I stopped trying to make sense of it long ago.  In the end, none of the answers mattered.  I was still left with what I was holding.

I was able to come up with some vague answers that helped me if I did start to turn the issue over in my mind, though:

Q:  When did he know he was gay?  A:  Could have been 20 years ago, could have  been last week.  Doesn't matter - he's gay now.

Q:  Did he know when he was marrying me that he was gay?  A:  Maybe, or maybe not.  Maybe he thought he loved you enough to try to make it work.  There just IS no "enough" to make it work.

Q:  Why did he even marry me?  A: Because he thought it would make him happy.  Same reason you married him.

Q:  Could he have married me because he wanted a beard?  A:  Maybe.  Or maybe he just couldn't admit to himself that he was gay.

Q:  Why didn't he tell me?  A:  Because he knew that would end things, and he didn't want things to end.

Q:  HOW did I not see this before?  A: You knew something was wrong, but he kept stringing you along, telling you that there was nothing wrong, and that he'd work to make you happy.  Maybe he even wanted that to be true.  It just wasn't."

Q:  Everyone must think I'm so stupid!  A: No, they don't.  They think you got taken advantage of.  You loved all the way - like you're supposed to when you're married.  You didn't do anything wrong - HE did.  You trusted and you loved and you believed.  Those are good qualities, and you've honed them.  They'll serve you well someday.

Q:  Why didn't he leave when he figured it out?  A: Maybe because he could never really figure it all out.  Or maybe because he couldn't see himself being parted from you and the kids - even if he didn't want you sexually.

It's worth noting that my ex - to my knowledge - didn't cheat on me.  That means that for those of us who experienced that, there would be more questions - questions like "How could he do this to me?", and "How could he hurt me so badly when all I ever did was love him?"  "How could he do this to our family?", etc.  I don't know the answers I would have told myself if I'd had those questions.  But I'd think answers like, "He was never who he portrayed himself to be" might work.  Or "Because he's a selfish jerk".

You will never, NEVER completely understand this. You need to make peace with that at some point.  The only way for you to get it is if you were a repressed gay person who went through it.  And your partner will never fully understand what they did to you.  Because they're not in your position.  The only way for you to get it is if you were self-centered and callous to the people you love.  And that's not what you are.  So you *can't* get it.  And that's a GOOD thing.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (October 10, 2016 4:10 pm)

Judy,

Clarity and thought organization becomes easier later - when you're further from the events.  It's like a book; you can't identify the main themes and plot twists until after you've read it all and digested it.  You can guess where it's going, but unless the book is extremely predictable, you'd be wrong in the end, anyway.  This is NOT an entire book, though - your life is the book.  This is but a chapter - or perhaps a few.  But it doesn't have to be the central theme of the book unless YOU view it that way.  Right now I view my book as "All the Crap I Had to go Through to Become Who I Am."  In 40 years, I may have an entirely different title.  And there are multiple titles, really - along with the aforementioned, I also feel like "My Training to Become a Light in the Darkness" would be apropos, as well as "My Indian Name is 'Gets Shit Done'".  Lol.  Just remember you are the author of the book, not just a reader or even an observer.  And sometimes you need to read the book over again from the beginning to grasp new truths since all you're currently remembering is the past few chapters.

You'll get there, Judy.  I promise.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (October 24, 2016 3:24 pm)

I thought that the end of that part of my life needed closure so once the divorce was final I baked a "divorce cake" and shared it with some of my friends. Packaged lemon cake mix and canned lemon frosting with the Stature of Liberty as the topper but it certainly tasted good.

As for remarriage, in the beginning I wanted that because marriage 'til death do us part is what I had wanted 30+ years ago. The more I thought about it however I felt less of a need to make a relationship official with a church or government. The vows and blessing of the rings, license, etc had not kept my marriage from going kaput because of my husband's concealed same-attraction and unless there are legal rights that I need I am willing give and accept my partner's love based on mutual honesty and trust.

I also have realized that a legal remarriage could hurt the financial security that I am trying to establish. That's something to take seriously if you are older and emerging from a long-term marriage.

JK - I had a similar experience as you. My boyfriend told me 4 years into our relationship that he is attracted to men, but nothing about being gay. Now 6 months ago he tells me he is bi, then mo the later says he isn't bi he is gay.

When he seems so unsure about who he really is, how can he be sure the relationship won't work?  Overall the 8 years of our relationship was good. The first 4 years were definitely stronger. But still overall we are happy.

Based off of that is it not worth trying? Can the sexual part of a relationship be fixed?

And if not, how do you end the relationship and move on? Especially when you still love the person? How do you go on trusting future relationship?

jkpeace wrote:

My husband told me he was gay.  Although the pain is as severe, I will not spend decades wondering.  I spent 10 months trying to figure out if our marriage could be saved.  For a variety of reasons, I know that we cannot.

I do believe that knowing, for sure, that my husband is gay has helped me to see more clearly.  I am thankful to him for that part of his honesty.

If I was still wondering whether or not he is gay, I do not believe I would be able to move forward, yet.

I must say that, when he first told me (10 months ago), he did Not say, "I am gay."  He said, "I have attractions to men."  Then, 4 months of:  "No.  I'm not gay.  I'm bi.  I told you, I am gay.  No, I am not.  Why can't you listen to me?  I'm gay!"

He did not want to be gay.  He still has a hard time using that word.

As so many have said, being gay is not the problem.  Being dishonest with one's self or with a spouse is the root of the problems.

I do believe he spent so many years denying his nature to himself that he really was confused.  He DID know something, before we married.  I wish he would have told me, at that time.  I knew nothing, until 10 months ago.

Yes, it's so crazy when you look backwards and see everything that you glossed over. I found condoms, I was told countless lies, there was mediocre sex, he never cared about my body or how I looked, he was always nice but never intimate, lots of grooming, dying and tanning, super fancy underwear and too much emphasis on clothes, to the gym constantly, lots of missing time, late etc. This was our marriage for 25 years and I passed off each bit of it as "that's just how he is." OMG? Where was my intuition? I overlooked everything because he was "nice" to me and because we didn't fight.

And then you look back and see it all. I forgive myself and I'm building a better life, but it's hard not to blame myself for being naive and blind. Now I'm free and I'm working on meeting MY needs. Building MY better life, one of integrity and peace.

Hardest and twistiest thing I've ever dealt with.

Last edited by Keepinghope (October 22, 2016 6:17 pm)