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June 11, 2021 12:06 am  #1


Fiancé Believes He’s Transgender

I am getting married to my fiancé in 4 months and while driving to our wedding cake tasting yesterday he told me he believes he’s transgender. I listened to him and took in what he said because I can only imagine how hard it was to have the courage to tell me but I was shocked and didn’t want to react so he could have his release (because it sounds like this has been something he’s been struggling to identify his whole life). However, as soon as we got in the car to go home I immediately fell apart and the flood of tears wouldn’t stop and still won’t. The fact that he just told me this news yet we were picking out our wedding cake was too much and I couldn’t keep my composure. I feel like I’m in a dream and this isn’t real and I don’t know what to do. I think women are beautiful and I love being one but I’ve never been sexually attracted to a woman even after a female friend made a move on me (which he knows).

I’m not doing well and feel selfish for saying that because I know he is in as much, if not more agony than me. I can’t talk to family or friends about this as I promised I wouldn’t and he said I can talk to him but what I’m going through is a different perspective than his. We love each other deeply and he says this doesn’t change him as a person (which it doesn’t) but it does physically change him into a woman which I’m not attracted to and not sure I can learn to be as I love the look and feel of being with a man. I’m scared of what is going to happen. Do we stay together and get married or do we end our relationship. Just the thought of  calling off our wedding, losing all the money we invested, and most importantly,  coming up with some story to tell our family and friends is unfathomable to me.

Even today when we were talking through it I learned more things I didn’t know about him. For instance he’s had sex with men before which I wasn’t aware of (before us) and has been buying and wearing female clothes and makeup. I’m so honored he could tell me this and thankful he told me before our wedding but now I’m struggling with what to do. If anyone has been in a similar situation I would love to know if you were able to make it work? I’m just lost on how to move forward right now and feel utterly alone.

Last edited by njsc1990 (June 11, 2021 12:08 am)

 

June 11, 2021 7:39 am  #2


Re: Fiancé Believes He’s Transgender

    I'm so sorry.  It's a huge shock. You're to be commended that even through the shock you are able to identify the key element here: you are not attracted to women.  
   I know that you are bonded with your boyfriend, and therefore naturally have empathy for him, but right now you have to focus on yourself.  You are not selfish.  In thinking of what you want from life, and from marriage, you are being responsible.  I would hazard a guess that marriage to a man who wants to be a woman, and may transition (in the process making irreversible changes in his body that affect his sexual function and ability to father children), and who has had, and may again wish to have, sex with other men, is not what you had in mind, nor was it what you thought you were getting when you became engaged to your boyfriend.  If you had known these things about your boyfriend when you were first dating, would you have ever agreed to continue seeing him or getting engaged to him?  
    You absolutely need to be able to speak to someone, and as you have agreed to keep your boyfriend's secret--and there is no reason for you to keep this secret and protect his closet--please seek out a counselor/therapist for yourself, and be careful to find a person who will validate your concerns, and who is committed to helping you sort out your feelings rather than pushing you to ignore your doubts and hesitation.  

  (Full disclosure: My now-ex revealed he was trans-identified after 32 years of marriage; I tried very hard to accommodate this new reality into my marriage for three years, but ultimately decided that I could not stay in the marriage.)
  
 

 

June 11, 2021 10:19 am  #3


Re: Fiancé Believes He’s Transgender

Hi njsc1990,

Am very sorry you find yourself here. It’s good your fiancé told you these things about him before the wedding.

I have another suggestion- postpone the wedding until you know what you want to do with your future, considering your fiancé may wish to become a trans woman. You want to be 100% on board with this decision if it occurs after the marriage.  Take your time doing this. It’s a big decision.

I have a large Catholic family with many cousins. We all go for large traditional wedding showers and catered weddings with dancing and a band. There have been cancelled weddings anywhere from a few months to a few days before the ceremony. Two of my cousins annulled their marriages after the wedding. You never hear why. These are private matters. I only hear think of all the money they lost, but it’s better they breakup now before they have kids a few years later.  It’s more expensive and painful to divorce later  rather than to lose money before or shortly after the ceremony.  It takes less time to get over a broken engagement than a long-term marriage. It’s also easier to find another partner when you’re younger than in your mid 40s and later.

Please post here if you need to vent, ask for suggestions, etc. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Best,
Maria


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

June 11, 2021 1:30 pm  #4


Re: Fiancé Believes He’s Transgender

So glad you posted nj.  Not only are you feeling the shock of his confession to you, but you're also feeling the awfulness of him asking you to keep his secret until he's ready to come out with it, and right when you're supposed to be experiencing one of the happiest times in your life. 

He has given you an out. Take it.  If you think he's someone you can be friends with, you can still do that, but marriage is a whole different ball game.  hugs

Last edited by Lynne (June 11, 2021 1:34 pm)

 

June 11, 2021 1:52 pm  #5


Re: Fiancé Believes He’s Transgender

The man you said you'd marry has been fucking men, desiring them and fantasizing about being a woman while you've been totally unaware. He knows you love him and thinks now is the best time to tell you because he doesn't really know you. My bisexual partner told me in an email that he'd been wearing my underwear and said " but I'm sure you knew that "
What the heck! I knew nothing! For months he'd been streets ahead in his 'desired sexual future' and came to the conclusion the time had come to let me in on it all.

There's a reason men don't tell us what they're thinking, and it has nothing to do with us.
It will take a monumental decision by you to put a hold on your wedding to this man who wants to be a woman. I would encourage you to speak to your family. The people who have known you the longest are the people you need as support

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

June 12, 2021 12:13 am  #6


Re: Fiancé Believes He’s Transgender

Please please end it now. You want to marry a man - he wants to be a woman.  You must see there is no happy ending there. He IS NOT the man you thought you were engaged to.

At the very least he needs to work out who he is before entering into the serious permanent commitment of marriage. The $$ you lose and the temporary public awkwardness of breaking it off are nothing compared to what you will suffer if you go ahead and marry.

I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. But please take the opportunity he has given you and back out now.

 

June 14, 2021 10:10 pm  #7


Re: Fiancé Believes He’s Transgender

Oh man Elle I can't believe he thought that! What the heck is right!
With the trans thing (and even just cross dressers) they fantasize about things we can't comprehend completely (and probably wouldn't want to anyway). Their reality is bent (like they bent ours) and when they say things like that I flinch. That is the crazy coming through the cracked mask. I noticed this in my trials with a cross dressing gay man. I also noticed an impending resentment for being biological woman. So many pot holes you need to avoid and I think we all just want to scream "it's not worth it!". or just RUN
 

 

June 15, 2021 9:34 pm  #8


Re: Fiancé Believes He’s Transgender

I don't want to be preachy, but strongly reconsider marriage. If not, you'll end up married several years, possibly with kids, and completely miserable when he chooses being trans over you and your family. Like me :/

 

June 16, 2021 3:01 am  #9


Re: Fiancé Believes He’s Transgender

Yes, take his words seriously…he will leave you to be a woman no matter how much he says he still loves you.  Once the idea is in their head, they are compelled to act on it no matter how they try to distract themselves  which I feel my husband used me to hide/cope with the feelings. My husband of 16 years came out to me 5 years ago and we have been trying to make our marriage work these last few years, but I’m so miserable. I never wanted this nor signed up for this life. And we have 3 young kids, I still am in love with him, which makes this so painful I can hardly stand it. We are in the process of divorce now and I’m devastated my kids have to lose their Dad and the family they know.

 

June 16, 2021 11:18 am  #10


Re: Fiancé Believes He’s Transgender

Welcome and sorry you are going through this. I TOTALLY understand your hurt, pain, confusion, etc.

I myself have been married for 11 years (together for 16) and my STBXH dropped a transbomb phone call to me. I had NO IDEA any of this and it hit me like a train wreck.  

It started with I've been secretly cross dressing off and on since 10, then I want to cross dress in publicly, then I think I'm trans, then I think I'm a bi-trans.  All of this within a matter of a few days. He was not forthcoming with his disclosure and I pieced it all together.  He literally walked out the door, called me with this transbomb and never came back to whom I knew him to be.  After much reflection, I realized his phone call was not to tell me his secret, but it was to tell me his decision. His decision to leave, to abandon me, to no longer want to be my husband and to no longer want to be a man.  Even though he said he wouldn't transition for "awhile" or "come out" till end of the year.  Within 2 months of the phone call--he has a new name, a new email address, on fermal hormones and electrolysis, etc. The whole thing is like a run away train and he can't wait to transition fast enough to start a new life. 

Even after all the chaos and I found secret accounts, sexting men nude pics and being on porn sites, I foolishly thought I would give it a chance to accept him as a woman and "try" to hold onto to my marriage. He was my best friend and my person in this world, so I bought clothes, makeup and wig for him.  We were open and honest of a new "relationship" and his new "desires" to be feminine BUT then another bomb drops.  Not only does he desires to change his gender to be a transwoman, but also his sexuality has changed. Now has feelings to be fullfilled by a man in "every sense" and would not be with a woman. He was only going to "try" with me b/c that's all he has known, but he doesn't "desire" me. And on top of that, if we remain together and a man hits on him, he is saying he will be tempted to cheat b/c he has never been a "woman" before and having a man desire him would be the ultimate trans affirmation. Basically saying I'm going to cheat the first chance I get which is astonishing. I never knew "him" to be this way, but apparently "she" is.

He has given you an opportunity to weigh your options and disclosed this news before marriage. Losing the deposits, etc is better than being with someone who does not match your fundamentals for a marriage and what you desire.  Take the time to reflect on what you want and can accept. Postpone the wedding and don't worry about what everyone needs to know. You control the narrative on why it is postpone and owe no one an answer. 

If he is already cross dressing and been with men, in my opinion this desire never dies. It only grows and grows and when it has been suppressed for so long.....it thens to explodes, as in my case. Please have an honest conversation with him about his desires and other "secrets". I would caution that the "trans" desires and minds are confusing and changes all the time! 

It's been 6 months of trauma and betrayal and deceit for me. Went through a difficult divorce battle and almost to the finish line. Had I known, I would not have married him no matter how compatible or "best friend" or "husband" material he was to me. Now I have to divide my assets i worked some hard for and start my life over. It's been painful, but this forum and these individuals here understand and are so helpful when you feel like you have no one to talk to.

Wishing you well on your reflection and journey!

 

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