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June 5, 2021 1:45 am  #1

The Tears Have Finally Stopped

Hey Y'all!
I met my husband in 2002 when we were juniors in high school.  We were friends for a couple of years, started dating after high school graduation in 2004, got engaged in 2007, and then got married a couple of months before college graduation in 2009.  Between then and now, we have been through so much.  We've lost many family members close to us, but we stood by one another and made it through. 

I struggle with infertility due to PCOS, so the three times I conceived (we miscarried the first time), I had to have a little help in the form of a pill.  This last pregnancy in 2019 was a bit rough, because I was very unhappy at my job, plus I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, and had to go to the doctor weekly, with one visit landing me in the hospital.  He was by my side all the way through all the pregnancies.  

Over the years we've had our ups and downs.  There have been a couple of times when I've thrown out the "divorce" word, but he's always said that we are stuck together, no matter how hard it gets.  About a few years ago, I remember feeling so distant in our marriage.  He was in graduate school, so I was taking care of our child as well as being the breadwinner.  No problem there, but the way I was treated during that time, took me to a really dark place.  He has never been physically or emotionally abusive; but there have been times where I have felt emotionally and physically neglected.  I felt as though I was living with a roommate, because he spent so much time paying attention to his phone or the TV rather than me.  After we talked about it, it got somewhat better, but it still wasn't how it was before.  Plus he started smoking weed and drinking more often, and would go out to who knows where for his connect.  He also started cursing, and being real short when talking to me and our son. 

By the time I went back to work in 2020, the world just started shutting down, so I went from being home all day during maternity leave; to being at home because of COVID restrictions.  We decided that we didn't want our child to go to daycare, so he stayed at home and worked there; while I went to work on night shift.  It was difficult at times, because he was with the kids all day, while I worked at night.  To destress, we decided to have him go on mini vacations, where he would rent an Air B&B and stay the weekend by himself somewhere.  He would always tell me that I should do the same, but I always felt Mom guilt.

We were tired of the area we were living in, so after living in one state for over a decade, we decided to move to Georgia in May 2021.  I consider myself a Christian, but I also believe in dreams and signs and stuff.  Ever since we decided to move to GA, I kept on seeing repeating numbers everywhere.  Like 1:11, or 12:12 almost every time I would look at a clock.  I saw it as a sign that we were on the right path with this move, but I think it was some type of spirit telling me to pay attention.  

In March, the sequences of numbers were getting stronger by the day.  It was happening so much, it was freaking me out.  We were also having trouble finding a home in Georgia, but I did have a job lined up, and our house was sold the first weekend we put it on the market.  About a week after we came back from a trip to look at houses in Georgia, I decided to look through his phone.  I NEVER look through his phone.  The only reason why I decided to that night, was because I had his phone and noticed a notification from Bumble.  While he was in the shower, I opened the app and looked through it.  Everything seemed innocent at first, and it was just him trying to make friends.  I also noticed that all of them were dudes, and as I scrolled further down, I read exchanges between my husband and other guys that were sexual.  He got out of the shower and I confronted him.  He denied it and said I was making it up, and then I confronted him again.  He then confessed to talking to guys through this app for the last 2-3 years.  

He said that he never physically met and cheated with any of these men, but they would video chat and masturbate together.  All of this happened at night, while I was working at the job that made great money and supported us, but I hated.  He also confessed to me that he was sexually abused by both men and women when he was a child, and he had sex with 4 or 5 guys both before and a year after we started dating.

The end of March was rough.  Had a job lined up that I had to call and cancel.  Our home was going to be sold in a month.  I had to find a place to work and live to support me and our two kids.  And I just found out that our whole marriage was a lie, and that he withheld his sexuality this entire time.  We decided to separate and go back to our home state.  He did tell his Dad, my Mom, and my grandma about him cheating and being bi.  We stayed in separate beds the entire month of April until our house sold.  We then moved back home.  Me and our two kids moved in with my Mom, Stepdad, and brother.  He moved in with his Dad and our two dogs.  Since I work first shift, he picks the kids up in the morning, and I pick them up after work.  I did find a job and a house before we moved back home, but the house won't be ready for a few weeks. 

In April, I could barely form a sentence without crying.  I was so full of anger, confusion, embarrassment, stress, you name it.  I was crying to and from work everyday, and I could barely eat for weeks.  We did decide to go to both individual and couples counseling once my benefits kicked in in June.  Now we are at a weird place.  After all the yelling and sadness, I decided that I think I want to try this marriage thing again.  I did open up a separate bank account, and I just decided a couple of weeks ago, he can move into my new home.  We talk and video chat like things haven't changed.  He still says that he loves me, and that he will never cheat again.  Y'all, I'm just numb.  I'm hoping and praying that I can start counseling soon, because I miss feeling.  I have turned off all of my feelings towards him.  I care for him, but I honestly can't say I Love You, like he tells me every day.  I'm worried that I want to try it out, just out of ease.  I miss having a partner, and someone to help, not just with house stuff, but with the kids and dogs as well.  We have also started using the Lasting app, which has helped out a bit with sorting our feelings out.  I worry that I want to to make it work for the wrong reasons, and not because of love.  I'm definitely looking forward to counseling, to try to sort this mess out, because I am so over it!

I'm hoping for the best, but always expecting the worst.  My trust and my heart has been broken, and I don't know if either one of them can be repaired ever again.  



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