MyExodus,

   I'm so sorry you have to go through this additional pain, and at a time when you have lost your family. That you are still standing is testament to your strength. I wish I could give you a real hug, but please know that I can feel your pain and am responding here with a virtual one.  

 

I've also been a loner and an independent person.  For a dozen years drove across country to live by myself for weeks at a time, for many of those off the grid, and the only person on a hundred acres.  I craved solitude.

But this last year, alone in my apartment (I moved out of the house and sold my half to my ex), it hasn't felt like solitude so much as, too often, loneliness. 

 It's a challenge, this remaking of the self after marriage and the shock we've experienced, and I haven't got through it yet myself, even after a little more than three years after leaving.   

  We do what we have to do, but that doesn't make it easy, especially when children are involved.  

MJM017 said,

"I feel lonely and tired. COVID lockdown flattened out my TGT/divorce healing curve. It’s exhausting to work so hard to keep myself positive about the future.  I’m burned out.  And…now it’s time to start over.  Am fully vaccinated and my area is lifting mandatory mask restrictions in mid- June.

Only more hard work ahead to heal. Shouldn’t the red carpet be rolled out for a fabulous life after enduring this lousy marriage?

It’s a long weekend in the US. Have nowhere to go and no one to be with.

I don’t mean to vent.  I have to let it out of my system. Thanks for reading."

That's why this forum is here...to vent. I would be in a similiar frame of mind if my kiddos were not with me this weekend. My gosh, I love them. Droppimg them off this weekend was horrible; but I found going for walks in the park (being around people) and exercising helped a bit. I feel like the stronger I get physically, the stronger my mind gets and the better I'm able to face the physical challenges. All of that helps; but at the end of the day, this is just an uphill battle.

I do not mean to minimize the Pandemic, COVID, lockdown or anyone else's challenges. I feel for everyone affected by COVID (7 billion people) But the challenges outside the four walls of my marital home and now, new home, have been a mere distraction from what was going on inside my four walls. When I have been ready to climb the walls over TGT; I would turn on the news and watch Dr. Fauci and all the chaos that has been going on in America this past year or so and it took my mind off of TGT, the gaslighting, the lies and the rejection. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I am going to be really strong some day. Correction, I have been reminded in this thread that I am really strong. Hang tight, MJM! Vent away!

I can move on from everything my ex-wife did to me:
the lies;
the gaslighting;
utterly using me as the most important prop in her fake life;
throwing me away;
raising fake charges of physical abuse;
making me feel worthless;
making me never feel good enough;
making me move several times for her career;
being so nasty that I've spent over $50K in attorney fees to defend myself and the kids; and
spreading garbage about me through the neighborhood and with friends.

But taking away 50% of my time with my children?  I never signed up for that.  She will never be forgiven for that.  Never.

I wish I had better advice for you, but what you are feeling is normal and reflective of your character as a great person.  I'm sorry.