I’m thankful for the support on the general sections of the board. If I only had seen sunshine and rainbows I would have felt as gaslighted as I’ve been by my ex that feeling any hurt over the manipulation and lies make me wrong and a bad person. Seeing the repeat of the painful behaviors and patterns helped me greatly to see I was not losing my mind. And to see that I have value as a human and my existence doesn’t have to shove to the side to allow a spouse to continue their abuse since it makes them feel good. To feel welcomed I didn’t need to be coddled and have what was going on minimized.

Am I here all the time? No. I also frequent forums more specific to TTT that I have to now navigate through and help a small child deal with losing but not losing a parent. I frequent forums more specific to the emotionally abusive behaviors. I frequent forums more specific to how my own behaviors have been codependent and likely contributed to finding myself in the current situation.

Have I always “liked” the hard truths told to me here? No but I appreciate them because they were things I needed to hear. If I all got when I landed here was “buck up and be happy it will be a-ok here’s some spicey tips” I’d have ran the other way.

I get it, some in the MOM section are happy with their arrangement. That doesn’t obligate anyone else to pretend hurt and pain and manipulation and lies and gaslighting and cheating and secrets and addictions and abuse does happen. Yeah that may be a downer but we didn’t exactly pick that as our reality. And pretending doesn’t make it go away.

Someone coming to SSN can see that there are a number of outcomes possible. Some of those outcomes are not easy and may involve that the relationship end. Sad, yes but to try and hide that from people to make them feel happy isn’t as kind as it sounds.

There is a lot of support here and effort to help those in the middle of this to see a light inside themselves and for themselves. To help straight spouses see they have value no matter if they are in a relationship or not. Outside of here and couple of other places I don’t feel support for the straight spouse. The feeling has been “shut up and be happy and don’t you dare say any of this was painful for you because that is mean” in my limited experience elsewhere. This has been an isolating experience.

Hearing from others that they went though/are going through is helpful. It is helpful to see patterns of behavior even if they aren’t happy sunny behaviors. There have been some things where on the outside I could see wow that behavior was really pretty terrible and not ok. Oh wait...something really close to that ex did as well and I just normalized it as my lot in life for how I get treated. I’m whole lot less likely to ignore red flags now. Some of that is due to those here not being afraid to describe possible outcomes for those red flags.

This has happened in another forum I am in. Posters will come in and give as they say “testimony” about how they had the same situation but they straightened up their own act and  got forgiveness for feeling upset and are now happy families. With the intention/suggestion that anyone upset by their situation (this specific forum is all people who are or were upset by the situation) are just negative.

Long ramble to say I’m grateful for the honesty and the candor here. It has helped greatly in the past year coming to terms with what has happened to my relationship and the support has been much needed and much appreciated.

I completely agree with you tangled. When I came here after having a history of a gay ex and I was worried about a new boyfriend people on this site (Lily being one of them) was quick to say I was with another gay man and to run for the hills. They didn’t even consider another alternative. I just think as a responsible adult on a support site you should be considerate to the fact that just because your situation was one way does not mean another’s is the same. I think what you are trying to say is people shouldn’t be so quick to assume they know your life and know your spouse from a few paragraphs

My therapist is very professional and I trust her more than I do anyone here. I am not sure that any of you have the PHD that she does. All my life, I have tried to be kind and be careful what to say to people. I live by the golden rule.
  Words hurt-I do not want to hurt anyone here. Reading the posts helps me but I am not ready and probably never will be to share my private story.
  Love one another as I have loved you said Jesus.  We never know what type of struggle someone is going through so always, always, be kind.

Hello StrugglingAt30,

I wanted to read this post you mentioned for my own clarity. I used the search function and it’s not there.

Perhaps you posted another another user name where this occurred?  Memory is not an absolute concept. It may have been a poster with a similar situation as you.

The late Japanese firm director Akira Kurosawa’s Rashomon points this out. He shows four witnesses of a crime describing it.  Each version is a completely different story.

Or maybe this is under another name you use to post. At the very least you can see I’m a fan of his movies. (They’re very good!)

Take care,
Maria

longwayhome, thank you for your response. I had some very hurtful things said to me more than once. That is why I do not put my personal story on here.
  I am in other internet groups and sometimes people join to cause problems. They are given three chances if they are unkind to another member and then they are removed from the group.
  You appear to be a decent person.