Hi BRI - I am so, so sorry. First of all, you are not stupid, you were manipulated. I understand the feelings of shame but urge you to consider they are not yours to bear. His secret keeping is about his trauma, his insecurities, his context. It not a reflection on your worth (or, of course, your daughter's!); Nor his purported love for you or her. This is so hard to consider, but so vital. Holding up two paradigms here: one that acknowledges fundamental wrongdoing on his part towards you AND one that acknowledges the challenges our hetero-normative society puts forth that makes it so hard for honesty to prevail. Why? Possibly because he really hoped he could make it so... You have every right to feel angry, missing and used. I do as well.  And... I dig deep for compassionate understanding, which serves me, emotionally, to find.  I find great validation in the work of Dr. Omar Minwalla in discussing : compusive, abusive, sexual relational disorder (CASRD); particularly in noting the trauma experienced by the partners.  Again, I am so sorry. 

Br1,

It is a shock.  Many of us gave a lifetime and had kids with these partners..so there was no sign.

Read the first aid thread.  My advice is to not own the shame..we loved fiercely and loyally.  We were all in.
They were not. 

Hard to see now but this is God getting you away from further hurt.

I'm overwhelmed with the support I felt reading the responses. Honestly I was so embarrassed that I was making excuses for him like, "This isn't a site for me, he's not really gay"
Im happy I pushed myself to start my post because I already feel much better.  While reading I was accepting the hurt. I was coming to terms with my situation and I felt cared about and understood! felt like you guys have my back. Im going through so many emotions. Im trying to hate him, but I also feel bad for him. Im not a hateful person but I hate what he did to us and the lie that he was! I really do feel bad for him because he is not able to be who he really wants to be, he's ashamed and I know because from what I found and what he said to me, but in the same sentence he says he's NOT gay. 
I haven't spoken with him for a few weeks now, and its for the best. I found myself calling and crying to him but when I hung up I felt stupid. He still wanted to be friends and even still keep his relationship with my daughter. He was saying things that were concerning me like, " I guess you guys are going to hate me now". but honestly am I NOT supposed to ?? or "I'm in this situation bec I just had to go through his bank statements, that I was TRYING to find things" but I DID find things not even thinking I was bec it was a mistake that I even did!!!! He was trying to still keep us in his life by not leaving me "hanging" and helping me pay bills he was always taking care of before, but still having the control over me! So... I need to cut off all ties and figure out how I will move forward by myself!

I still feel like I'm shocked and its all too hard to believe this happened! He was SOOOO GOOD at what he did! SOSOSO good at it! He had everyone fooled! I would NEVER have dreamed he was cheating on me at all !!! On top of this all he knew all I had been through in my past, divorced an abusive husband.... got myself and my daughter free from him and it took a lot! He used my heart and kindness to his advantage! He went as far as always telling me how he isn't like him and he'd never hurt us in any way! I'm so deeply hurt by him. He hurt my daughter!

Just a few thoughts.... It's OK to hate someone's actions. It doesn't mean you have to hate the person. I never hated my ex, just some of the choices she made, and it's more of a sadness/disappointment than hate.

You may never get an admission from him about being gay. Best not to dwell on it and focus on what you need to be happy and healthy in a relationship. It also sounds like he either wants you to change your mind or make you feel guilty about it. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated.

Money - that can be a bit of a control factor. Suggest he just send X $ per month to your account if he's so concerned about you and your daughter. It's not a good idea to let him access your bills or have things like that in his name. Another thing you can ponder upon - in some jurisdictions, a common law relationship can result in an obligation to provide the same level of child support as a biological parent would have to. Keep in mind that might also opens the door to a certain amount of child visitation rights. It sounds like you might not want to go there but the more you know, the better choices you can make.

Don't tear yourself down for not detecting this in advance. Sometimes our spouses are like professional actors. Some have been carefully hiding for so long while presenting another person that it becomes normal for them. Some will protect that secret to the end.


 

Thank you so much everyone!