Hi Buffy, 
If it's your boyfriend who isn't convinced it can work then point him to some resources.  Having said that if you don't have kids but if you're long term plan is to have kids you should seriously think about what that would be like in an open relationship.  Some say the desire only gets stronger as they get older, which seems plausible to me but I'm not expert, and you don't want to be home with a handful of kids while he's out with his boyfriend.  Can I ask how old you are?  
I do think he's been open and honest with you so that is a great start to maintaining your relationship.
Vicky

Jkpeace,
I was married 46 years and explored just about every possible option within the almost five decades so I draw off of substantial experience compared to most here. Nothing worked or could have worked (according to therapists) in this scenario because I am not Gay. You can't negotiate away your sexual preference and needs to be close to and experience intimacy within a marriage. And then there is letting go of the committment to be monogamous when you married them. That's not a workable scenario. It is remarkably sad and uncomfortable ending with the same conclusion others come to in months or a year. I tried it and know this. I made significant errors in allowing this to go on and on for decades thinking it would work out. 

The "road map" you mention everybody has does have commonalities along the way but ends up at the same destination. Why delay the obvious? I am living proof as well as you and others here it cannot work. I did see you acknowledge this earlier. 

With regard to the dancing around, I don't think that serves anyone well. We've all had enough spin and false stories in life. Fluffing any of this up and putting a bow on it is just more of it. I think it's much better to share experiences and the failure or success of those for anyone wondering and then end it with a mention you respect whatever decision the subject person makes. 

If I could go back to the 24 year mark - where you were when you filed - I can tell you I would file for divorce. I went 22 more years! I led a very busy demanding life but all the evidence was there and I just kept on pressing ahead and calling myself married when clearly, I was not. I let a man I love completely dupe me and treat me terrible in the interest of staying married and keeping my committment to him. I should have been paying better attention to my quality of life which was cruel, profoundly sad and downright disgusting. I was alone in life and I don't think he would have noticed if I died. There was no sex - well, with me anyway. There wasn't anything more you could do to a spouse worse than all of what he did to me. He cheated on me with women all over the place, then later with men. He told me shortly after we got married he had sex with his sister, brother (3 way) and mother. He stole 125k from me, plotted against me with others and headlocked and choked me when he was forced to give answers to my pressing questions on his sexuality and lack of fidelity. I took care of him through a brain tumor, amputated thumb and cancer and then when I broke my leg in half and dislocated and broke my ankle, he left me for dead. I was completely bed ridden for months and at his mercy.  Some days I had my meds and some days food but never every day. My leg became infected and he didn't care! vFresh out of surgery he informed me that I wasn't being nice enough to him and he was going to divorce me after leaving to be with another man. I was on morphine,  very sick, and had to learn to walk all over again over a year. Still, I went six MORE years trying to hang on until he stuffed a long time male lover down my throat and they both treated me horrible working as a team together.  In the meantime he tried to get us into a pyramid scheme with another man and we almost lost our home. He's also been terminated from NINE jobs in his adult life. He took a liking to terminating his employees and smarting off to and picking fights with his boss at work. There is no point in anyone hanging on to this scenario. I've had multiple therapists tell me this. I am trying to figure out why a woman with an IQ of 148 and a full blown legal background who weighed evidence for a living, would do something so incredibly stupid. I don't miss him. He's the worst of humans. He is a chronic liar about everything. He had a cell I knew about and then pre-paid cells on the side. I just don't want him to hurt me anymore. I finally get it. I offered a committment to a man who was not worthy of it and me. Wow. I have been avoiding typing all this out lol. I guess I am better off than I thought I was abused for 50 years and covered for him. No more. - I am so much better off. He's living 60 miles from me and leaves me alone. Yes I am sad and feel like I have been run over and I can't stand anymore some days BUT clarity prevailed after 46 years and I threw him out for good. I fear I will never trust any man ever again. The thought of dating terrifies me. I don't know how I will ever be able to have a healthy relationship with a man. I think if he kept looking at his cell phone, I'd throw up on him and then run him over with my car. I can't take anymore lies or spin.

Yes, we have two daughters ages 45 and 43. Neither are in my current state or within 2k miles of me. The youngest has bought whatever story he told her. She has ditched me for good. I kept all of this from our children (another monumental error)  and I'm now faced with them being vulnerable to his lies about me. The oldest knows the truth but it's so ugly, she doesn't want to get involved. Don't wait to tell your grown children!  I am alone and that's fine. I will be okay.....I live an authentic life with nothing but the truth in it and I now control my future. I'm secure in every way that counts - I am just angry. And btw, the male who he's been hooking up to for the last 13 years can have him. Wish him the best of luck. He's going to need it.

jkpeace wrote:

Judy,

I understand what you say about people "dancing around the issue" here.  I must say that, for me, I HAD to consider every option.  Had I not considered every option, I would feel that I had not done my best in trying to save a marriage.

I may have had doubts.

Now, I have realized that I cannot stay married.  I was married 24 years.  Disclosure came 10 months ago. It took me 9 months of considering every option to come to my conclusion that we needed to divorce.

I see no harm in each of us telling our story, at whatever stage we are.  Considering every possible option never hurts.

Had someone told me to "run like my hair is on fire" 10 months ago or even 3 months ago...I just wasn't ready.    Now, that phrase suits me.

Your story has helped me.  Each person's story has helped me.  We all take this journey using a different map, traveling with unique individuals.  

I do like the advice of us each just continuing to tell our stories.  They have been a lifeline for me.

JK

P.S.
If your boyfriend is saying he is gay, I would thank him for being honest.  Please, try to find a good counselor.  He is telling you that he cannot stay with you.  My husband was not so clear.  His confusion made the decision more difficult for me.

Personally, I think it is extremely rare, if not impossible, for a straight spouse to be with a gay spouse & be truly at peace with one's soul.  In my case, I believe that neither my husband nor I would be truly happy.

Last edited by Judy (October 10, 2016 5:34 am)

Lost Dad,

You can't imagine how much your post meant to me. It's hard to look at all this that's happened to me and step back far enough to get perspective on any of it. Being 65 and going through this has made me feel there is no chance and not enough life left to ever recover from this pain and have the possibility of finding someone so that I don't die alone someday. I never planned on this in life. I want a male in my life I can trust and love. I'm still very shocked by all of it. I also have taken full responsibility for waiting far to long to end this. I feel like I've been dropped out of a tornado and I'm looking to see if I am still alive and have my arms and legs.

Thank you for the nice words. I hope you are right. 

Judy

lostdad wrote:

Judy.  You need to change your user name to Mother Theresa.  Better yet.. I'm going to start calling you Saint Judy. 

I'm not sure if you are a religious person or not, but in my book, you have earned more "treasures in heaven" than you can imagine.  Your devotion and patience and commitment is stunning and while you've been given pain here in this life you will have great reward in heaven. 

You may call yourself stupid for staying in that situation for so long, but you are a spectacular woman.  You took a vow and you kept that vow far beyond the call that any person should have to endure.  You were dealt a cruel hand, but you can now use that experience to find happiness and to help others deal with their own tragic situations. 

I've never met you, but I'm proud to know you.    

 

Judy wrote:

Lost Dad,

You can't imagine how much your post meant to me. It's hard to look at all this that's happened to me and step back far enough to get perspective on any of it. Being 65 and going through this has made me feel there is no chance and not enough life left to ever recover from this pain and have the possibility of finding someone so that I don't die alone someday. I never planned on this in life. I want a male in my life I can trust and love. I'm still very shocked by all of it. I also have taken full responsibility for waiting far to long to end this. I feel like I've been dropped out of a tornado and I'm looking to see if I am still alive and have my arms and legs.

Thank you for the nice words. I hope you are right. 

Judy
 

Saint Judy,  

You will find someone and you will have love in your life for many years.  Because you've known the misery of a bad relationship you will fully appreciate the joy of a good relationship.  What a lucky man it will be that finds you.  He will see the love of a real woman who has been refined in the fire and takes nothing for granted. 

I want the same for my life.  I can see it coming someday.    (well... except that i don't want a man to love.. )
 

Last edited by lostdad (October 14, 2016 7:55 am)