When posting I try to keep a few things in mind. The first thing comes from my time attending the local Straight's meet up group, which was run by one of the SSN triage people, who is also a professional counselor in this area. It was a very simple rule.

"We don't tell people what they should do."

I only saw that rule broken once, when a new person came to the meeting and their spouse was participating in very dangerous activities. Even then the advice was only to see a doctor and get tested for everything. (A health concern, still not advising on what to do.) (My personal opinion, I think 'see a doctor', 'talk to a counselor', 'talk to a lawyer' are all fair statements to make here. Always tailored to the situation described. Suggested links to applicable resources are also fair.)

That doesn't mean I won't contribute my own personal experiences and what others have reported in the past. I try to stay away from diagnosing people as gay or bi, etc. but I have no hesitation in pointing someone out as a cheater. (Sometimes the larger issue obscures that type of character flaw or we haven't yet come to the place in our heads where we realize our partner could do that to us.)

I also think it's important to treat first time posters with special care. Some are shell-shocked, maybe hoping we have a magic solution, desperately clinging to the familiar instead of this scary unknown future. When you are in that position, you don't need to be overloaded in advice that's intended for someone further down the road. Triage is about stabilizing the patient. It is true that we sometimes get a new member who is well down the road and asking deep questions, in which case it's fine to get just as deep with the responses. I think these are the exceptions. I think our first steps are acknowledging the poster and listening to them. Once we get a good sense of what they are facing, we can better tailor our responses.

My final personal rule about posting is to proof read before clicking Submit. Don't forget the old advice "Does it help? Does it hurt?" (albeit it can be a grey area at times.)

Peace.

(edited for typos - so much for proof-reading! )

Last edited by Daryl (May 20, 2021 10:04 am)

I don't think we should be publicly naming other posters or trying to define who belongs here. If you have a concern about someones' responses on this forum, I think it's better to ping the admins. (As always, my personal opinion.)

Cheers,

Daryl wrote:

I don't think we should be publicly naming other posters or trying to define who belongs here. If you have a concern about someones' responses on this forum, I think it's better to ping the admins. (As always, my personal opinion.)

Cheers,

good point, I’ll edit and message personally 

I am SO glad to see such positive suggestions made here. I, too, have been so disappointed in the negativity on this site. When I first found it; and, yes, it came up first on my search, I found the answers to posters’ questions very negative and not very hopeful for someone new looking for a way to save my marriage. 

I finally found the MOM section, and it was at least support, giving suggestions on HOW to make it work, if you indeed want it to. I do wish there was more there. I know there are more out there who are truly making their MOMs work. I've seen it on FB, discord & Reddit.

I found other forums/etc that were much more positive, with people on it that had very similar experiences. Instead of everyone giving suggestions to get a lawyer and divorce, most were helping each other navigate their new MOM situations. Some, of course, can’t be. When I was searching for some examples before I wrote this, I found many that really don’t look like they can be saved.

However, when a straight spouse comes here and pours out their heart, no matter the problem, and then asks:
”What can I do to save my marriage?”  Or “Can it work if he’s bi or gay” or anything that asks how can I make it work?........
we should be trying to help that person with that dilemma. Help them learn how to navigate their MOM. Unless it’s a dangerous situation, or similar, we shouldn’t be telling them: “get a lawyer & get a divorce” (I did run across one of those while searching, and the OP wanted help with her marriage). I see too much of that.

There is a group (maybe more than one) that has a rule: (not worded exact) - Never tell anyone to leave their marriage. It’s just not up to us....

In AA, they have a saying: We do not give advice. We share our experience, strength and hope.

I like that. and try to stick to it, even if not always successful.

All the best to everyone.

Last edited by SusanneH (May 20, 2021 4:39 pm)

Yes, this is the first place people come across when they discover or (or strongly suspect, in some cases) they’re a straight spouse. There’s no playbook for this. Most of us arrive here as completely shocked (sometimes traumatized) shells of ourselves. I really appreciate that this is a place where I can be completely vulnerable and know that others (who have also unexpectedly found themselves here) understand exactly what I’m feeling—and caution me on things to look out for…and are looking out for me. While there are many differences in our stories—there are lots of similarities, too…and understanding patterns is incredibly important. 

While I’m in a MOM, I don’t feel comfortable encouraging others to make a MOM work…As someone here once wisely pointed out, we don’t know the levels of abuse/ trauma / gaslighting people are enduring.

I’m rambling now…and have completely forgotten the point I was trying to make (typical!)…But, I just want to say thank you to everyone here who shares their stories (which I know isn’t easy!), validates others’ feelings, and makes us all feel less alone.

Last edited by Julian_Stone (May 20, 2021 8:57 pm)