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October 11, 2016 12:30 pm  #1

I always knew this day would come...

I found this site... You guessed it, googling "Is my husband gay?"  All of the posts have been helpful and now I am courageously requesting some experienced feedback.  Let's see... High school sweethearts, he was the good-looking charming one!  We hit it off, date for 2 years before being engaged.  Very young...the summer after I graduated from highschool.  We were married 3 years later after we completed our college education.  This year marks our 16th wedding anniversary. We have 2 daughters, ages 11 and 13. On the outside - the perfect little family. 

Our marriage has been struggling for the last few years for reasons I can't really put my finger on. He has always been a heavy drinker - liquor.  No problem drinking 1/2 gallon over the weekend while hanging out at home.  A daily drinker until I would intervene and then it would scale back for a period of time.  I never understood this.  Seems he is running or hiding from something.  He would always deny those feelings and just say he enjoys the relaxation... After a hard day at work or whatever.  Caused a lot of issues in our marriage.  He often isolates himself from myself and our daughters.  Even when not drinking - he kinda goes into his own world, doesn't engage a ton, not super motivated and no initiation for family type stuff.  I've talked to him about depression and if he needed help, etc to no prevail.  To the outside world he is the nicest guy, outgoing, charming, amazing...  We've been in counseling trying to figure this out.  I've pointed my finger in his direction asking for more involvement in our family, strop drinking, be more helpful, you get the idea.  He has tried and some of it has been good.  But there is still this feeling, a disconnect that I just could not explain until I started to be honest with myself.  I have been harboring ,for 20 years, feelings that he is gay.  The feelings are based on actions - I will list them:  before we were married he actually said that sometimes he thinks he is gay...and then he took it right back.  He told me another time that his mom asked him when he was younger if he was gay, gay men have told me he is gay, straight men have no problem telling me that they think he is gay, gay men have pursued him, in my opinion he flirts with gay men and other men who may or may not be gay, he is the first to point out a gay man and his appearance, whether good or bad, he will ask a man if he suspects he is gay,if he is gay, he was terminated from a job because he told others that we were swingers... And that he bleached his uhhummm... He can be very sexually explicit, often refers back to sex in adult settings and conversations.  Very uncomfortable for me. I have told him this countless times.  Oh, and we are not swingers!  He records soft core porn -until I demanded he stop because our girls could see the recording listing. I didn't want the porn with him... Not sure what he used it for.  A couple of years ago in the middle of a summer party,he left to go to our house with a guy -for no reason.  They were gone for like 2 hours and came back totally trashed - the other guys wife had to take him home immediately.  And just a year later, that other guy came out of the closet.  He has pulled this disappearing act a couple other times with other (straight) men but doesn't tell me.  He was seeing a gay massage / alternative medicine doctor after being fired to help with some depression.  I have no issue that the person was gay but huge red flag that the guy charged my husband only $35.00 and my husband would routinely spend 3-4 hours per appointment.  Until I said something... Then all ties cut. The guy is still in business and I have friends who also go to him... But do not spend that amount of time there!  I have asked my husband a couple more times over the years if he was gay - his response is that he can't stand the though of gay sexual encounters or being close to a man in that way. 

So the puzzling part for me... He denies it, he has a huge appetite for sex (with me) but it rarely happens because I feel so disconnected and am definitely not feeling it.  I found some texts a couple of years ago where he was asking a cute girl for sex... In everyway imaginable.  He denies anything ever happened And cut ties with her.  I asked for a divorce earlier this year and he was devastated - proclaimed his love for me, etc.  that's when I agreed to counseling. 

Last night I told him all of this- everything you just read.  He denied being gay - said zero percent chance he is gay, and has never touched a penis or had his touched by a man. Says he has been 100% faithful.  He again proclaimed his love for me and on and on.  He said he completely understands where I am coming from and will be more aware and tone down the things he says and does. And today he is asking me to join him at a local hotel for the night to have a weeknight rendezvous...what?!  Does he not get it?  And this is all weird... Right?!

I would appreciate your insight -I'm not crazy right?  Trust my intuition?


October 11, 2016 1:08 pm  #2

Re: I always knew this day would come...

Welcome, 1love.  I'm sorry you need to be here, but you're in the right place.

Your husband's confusion sounds very familiar to many other stories here.  1) There is this vague, nagging feeling that something is wrong.  2) You can even see that something is wrong (like with the drinking and disconnectedness), and yet there's no good explanation for it.  And 3) there's all these little weird gay-like things.  Eventually, all the dots start to connect to make one big picture.

I'm sorry, but no straight man flirts with other men - gay or straight. Even if they have no problem with other gay individuals, they still would never be asking others if they think he's gay.  Even his language of "I'm zero percent gay" is odd - that's not how straight men would say it.  They'd say "No, I'm not gay."  And telling people about sex and making up that you're swingers to me means that he's hoping that it'll open a conversation where someone will approach him about his sex life, and they can discuss swinging - where he can either see another man in action, or participate in more of a group sex type of thing.  His language overall tells me that he's open and actively searching for sex outside the relationship, and non-traditional sex, at that.

Then there's the odd things he's doing.  What would be the point of bleaching one's anus if no one was going near it?  That alone would make me think he's having sex outside the marriage.  But the disappearing act would clinch it for me.  Disappearing for two hours with a man who shortly thereafter comes out as gay is certainly very suspect.  Especially to come back that drunk - it tells me that inhibitions were lowered to the point where something might easily have happened.  And the gay massage/doctor, with 3-4 hour long sessions?  I don't care if he was charged $35 or not - he's either spending waaaaay too much time with this person for it to be completely professional, or he's lying and spending an hour there (for the $35) and then spending a few more hours with someone else.  Whatever was going on there wasn't good.

"Toning down" what he says and does is not the real issue here.  The reason why he's doing those things is really the issue.  If the underlying problem is that he's gay, it will be a constant battle against that problem.  What you're seeing are symptoms of what the real issue is.  The reason he keeps cutting ties with anything you mention as a problem is because he is trying to get rid of any evidence that there's actually a problem.  In reality, what he's likely doing is just replacing one thing with another - in the hopes that he can get away with the new thing without you finding out - at least for a while.

No married man - straight or gay - should be running off with others for unexplained hours, or texting sexually with anyone else outside the marriage.  What he should be spending his time on is being connected with his family - interacting with them, participating with family involvement, and with being one of the two heads of the household.  He's trying to escape from that, and run to other things.  There is definitely a problem here, even if he's not gay.  But to me, it does sound likely that being gay is the base issue here.

I know that in my own marriage, the only time I got big acts of change (like the suggested weekend rendezvous) is when he got scared for what HE might lose.  My ex didn't care if I wasn't happy - he could be happy despite that.  The only time I saw change was when I was threatening to end the marriage - which would apparently make HIM unhappy.  That told me that he was only willing to do the work when he thought HE would be made unhappy as a result of not doing it.  Which meant it was all about him.  And I resented that greatly.

I wish you the best -


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

October 11, 2016 1:09 pm  #3

Re: I always knew this day would come...

Sorry you find yourself here 1Love.  None of us want to be in this situation in life.  But now that we find ourselves here we can help each other understanding things and deal with our situations. 

Most of your list of clues to your husband being gay do sound very legitimate to me.  Understand that homosexuality is the deepest and most closely held secret any closeted homosexual can have.  They will have spent thousands of hours coming up with excuses and explanations to keep their secret.  it's very hard to get an admission until they are ready to come out of the closet.  That can happen because they finally meet "Mr. Right" or because they just can't live with their secret anymore. .

The part that doesn't align with all of the stories that I've heard from other members is that you say he has a huge appetite for sex with you.  That isn't normally the case.  Typically the "in the closet" homosexual will have little to no sexual appetite for their opposite sex spouse.  In my own case this was true, though the exception was in the last 6 months of our relationship when she was falling in love with another woman.. she went out of her way to be more active with me.  I believe she was "tricking" me..  make me think there is an increase in love and passion between us, when in reality she was already giving her love to another person.  

Anyway.. If the increase in sexual appetite is a recent thing, I would guess he is trying artificially to keep you.  If he has always had this level of sexual appetite toward you, then I would suggest that he is bi-sexual.  

Oh how I wish my wife was bi..  We could remain married and stay best friends and keep stability for our kids..  

I think you should explore whether or not he is BI.  If this is the case and he still loves you and can avoid cheating on you, then perhaps you could work out together.    Unfortunately, based on your story, it sounds like you already suspect he has been unfaithful. 

Overall.. I suspect your insight is correct.  He is probably bi to gay and most likely already experimenting.  But he is very protective of this secret and will not admit this to you no matter how hard you try.  

Oh.. and as a fully heterosexual man, I can tell you that Kel is exactly right about the language he uses not being normal for a non-gay male.  I have never once in my life asked anyone if they think I'm gay.  There is absolutely zero reason for bleaching..  ahem..  Also, not only would I never flirt with another man, (gay or straight), I go way out of my way to avoid the appearance that I might be flirting.  The only time straight men would "flirt" is among only close male friends where it's clearly a joke, and to be honest a bit of "gay-bashing"..  This would be typical immature male locker room talk.  

Last edited by lostdad (October 11, 2016 1:14 pm)

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


October 11, 2016 2:54 pm  #4

Re: I always knew this day would come...

Actually, there is now evidence that hormones change during different phases of a relationship.  First there is the lust phase.  During this phase, men and women both release healthy amounts of testosterone and estrogen.  Regardless of gender, when these hormones are present at healthy levels, the reproductive system is regulated, energy levels increase, and sex drive is heightened.  This is the sex phase - when you can't keep your hands off each other whenever you see them.  Your system is driving you to produce, hence the constant sex.

Next is the Attraction phase.  Adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin spike, enhancing attraction and arousal.  Dopamine causes the heart to beat faster and stronger, results in a surge of energy and focuses attention solely onto your potential mate.  Dopamine produces a feeling of happiness and bliss.  Serotonin acts as a neurotransmitter and plays a role in maintaining mood balance, appetite, sleep, memory, sexual desire and sexual function. Serotonin changes can cause sleeplessness, increased energy, loss of appetite, rapid heart rate and accelerated breathing.   Often considered the “honeymoon phase” between two partners, this phase usually only lasts a few months or less before the attraction fades or the attachment phase takes over.

Finally, the Attraction phase is ushered in.  Adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin return to normal as oxytocin and vasopressin surge.  These hormones both play a role in social and reproductive behaviors in humans.  They bring feelings of calmness, security, a desire to protect one another, emotional union and comfort.  Oxytocin is the hormone released when mothers nurse their babies, and results in intense bonding.  This is what it brings to the couple experiencing them, as well.

I think that when a partner is cheating and starts to experience the first stage of lust, the faithful partner is also often the recipient of those increased hormones, too.  Then later, when the Attraction and Attachment phases take over, the faithful partner sees their partner pull away - or leave.  In the simplest terms, when a partner starts cheating, they get friskier overall.  I feel that during this phase, the cheater may often think "This is great - I can have tons of sex with them both - this is working! I don't need to change a thing!".  Then later, when the attraction and then the attachment phases take over, the cheater finds is impossible to focus any of themselves on the old partner, and pulls away.  They will be annoyed with their spouse at this time - everything they do will be annoying and frustrating as they are now the reason that the cheater cannot be with their intended.

lostdad, your ex may or may not have been trying to trick you with more sexual interest with you, but it's also just as likely that she was simply friskier due to hormones being produced as a result of starting another romance.


Last edited by Kel (October 11, 2016 2:56 pm)

You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

October 11, 2016 4:48 pm  #5

Re: I always knew this day would come...


Sorry your here..   I have zero experience with a remorseful spouse so can only offer sympathy..   My
now ex-wife  when I confronted her (after find horrible absolute evidence) vehemently denied being gay
or having an affair.  Lied to my face.  But, she didn't stop...pursued her affair with reckless abandon ..
Hid it so badly..  and she stopped coming near me...suddenly she did not liked to be touched.   She was
basically discarding me.   So my marriage was doomed..knowing my ex once she decided she hated you thats it  ..you were written off forever...FOREVER.    I've seen her do that to countless friends and now it was my turn.  
That your husband is remorseful is good.  Try the counseling.   Ask him.. would he die for you?   But actions speak louder than words and the gay thing (TGT) makes take backs and trust really difficult..ie..
if he goes out with a friend for beer is it 2 guys having a beer or a date?    And why should we have to wonder what our spouse is doing?..    He has to do more than schedule a hotel rendevous with you.   Trust is gone now and I have no idea how to get it back.     I was totally betrayed  and when I looked for humanity in my spouse found none...only hurt.   It confounds me to this day. 

Hugs and strength on your journey.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

October 12, 2016 9:50 am  #6

Re: I always knew this day would come...

I'd just like to agree with Billie, it's not as common but I too had the most loving, crazy, intimate sex of my life with my Bi cheating husband. Never had I felt so loved, he always wanted me, for the first three years anyway, then I noticed  few times where I felt I wanted him more than he wanted me, I remember him saying to me once, well you have to work in the morning so I thought I'd leave you alone last night. I remember thinking that was weird. But the first few years it was constant. I was so hooked on him sexually, I see it now for what it was, a very cruel, premeditated ploy to get me to love and need him . I think he's gay, because it was all men he was cheating with, I was the only woman. Although I'm not sure of course because he lies. But so pathological to use my body bonding to him to secure his life with me. I was addicted to him. This hurts me more than anything sometimes. I felt he raped my most intimate trust.


October 12, 2016 5:24 pm  #7

Re: I always knew this day would come...

I used to think my ex-husband couldn't be gay because he seemed to always want to have sex and the sex we had was good.  I was the one who never wanted to because I, too, felt so "disconnected" from him.  I thought it must be me... that maybe I felt so unattractive to him because of my own insecurity.  I was worried that I was one of those people who only liked new exciting sex or that maybe I was frigid.  I wondered if I was damaged because I had felt so much rejection during our dating phase where he had told me that he was "saving himself" for marriage the day AFTER we had sex for the first time.  Shortly after we were married we discussed what our sexual spirit animals were and he said he thought mine was a sloth.  We didn't have sex for 2 months after because I felt so unattractive and uncomfortable.  He was also just a shitty husband which made me feel unloved.  I begged him to try to be a more attentive and responsible husband so that I would feel more loved and feel like having sex with him.  I remember even saying "if you'll just take out the trash, I'll have sex with you," and being confused why he still wouldn't take out the trash despite asking for sex.  He acted like he was always ready and willing but seemed to hit on me when I wasn't in the mood.  The point is, I thought I was the limiting factor in our sex lives and apologized to him about it often.  He would later use that against me when I referenced our sexless marriage.  
I can see now that I didn't feel attractive to him because he wasn't attracted to me.  We didn't have sex for 6 months at a time and he manipulated me into thinking I was the one avoiding it.  I was finding gay porn on a pretty regular bases, but I still thought I must be the problem because he NEVER turned me down for sex.  Even after it was confirmed that he was attracted to men, I had a hard time believing that he was even smart enough to be so calculating.  Most honest people have a hard time believing that others can be capable of such things.  When I divorced him, he told people (his family, my family, our friends) that I never wanted to have sex.  His Mother even told me that it "just wasn't right" that I only had sex with him once a week when we were newlyweds.  It became more obvious that he had sex with me to keep me from thinking he could be gay.  
To get more specific about the sex... it always felt like a lot of work.  He wanted more foreplay than I did and like things like 69ing and butt play that I just wasn't into.  I just wanted some passionate love-making but always felt like that was disappointing to him.  He also really like hand-jobs and mutual-masturbation, which always struck me as strange.
I know that was a long-winded way of saying my gay husband liked sex with me too!  I just wanted to join in the chorus saying that good sex doesn't necessarily equal not gay.


October 13, 2016 2:01 pm  #8

Re: I always knew this day would come...

1love - my GID ex also had a huge appetite for sex with me.  I was the one who pushed him away, especially after confirming all the gay porn.  At the beginning of the relationship it was fine.  But as time went on there was little kissing, not much passion.  At the end of our relationship, as my investigation of him went further into old computers and such, I found emails to old "friends".  Women.  Dating back from the time we were engaged all the way though several years of our marriage.  Discussing how much he liked fooling around w/them when they were dating and also trying to hook up w/them when he was in their city (he was a pilot - how convenient).  However, all the jerking off was to constant man on man porn.  Once the dildos started arriving I began to care less and less about what he identified as and began to wonder more and more if he would just use any hole available, woman, man, tree, ground, whatever.  But ultimately, I believe he is gay.   


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