Zenobia you sure are on a rinse and repeat cycle, except it isn't a repeat,  it's more like a limbo dance - the bar keeps getting lower.

It's just going to keep getting worse, he has happily skipped past the danger zone and is now busy gaslighting as firmly as ever.  That is going to happen whatever you do, how soon or how late you act he is still going to be managing appearances for the both of you,  this is text book, of course we have been through it - all you can do is identify the people who will support you despite him and remember, at your weakest is when you have to be at your strongest - you have to lead the charge.  

I was very lucky in my lawyer, and when the times came and I was just stymied sitting there with a foggy head and barely able to think let alone act she would call me up like she had an instinct for it and she would tell me what the next step was and that I needed to move - and then I could get on with it.

 

On the financial front I’m fortunate that it is all in my control. I strictly budget and have a “spending” allotment for each. Before all of this I kept shrinking mine more and more and increasing his (probably thinking I could stop the escalation by appeasing him?). Anyway... I stopped that a long while back! I took a look at what help I get with kid and house etc and looked at how many hours of work it would be paying someone (accounting for room and board and insurance and all that) like an employee. That helped set my expectations and give him a clear boundary. He’s been sent some extra things by friends

The items he’s left out *i* know what they are but are not realistic looking so hoping if child has noticed (child doesn’t use that bathroom often) they didn’t know what it was. He seems to notice and out things away by the time I am annoyed enough to say something.

I still feel really annoyed but reflecting more it doesn’t really matter if those “friends” see through his act or not. It is not up to them or what they think. My child and I are what matters in this and other can manage their friendships as they see fit. I will say though that this has changed how much I trust people. One long time friend that was my friend basically asked if I was going to try and force them to not associate with spouse on FB anymore. I said I was not going to dictate to anyone who to speak to. This friend seems more interested in “woke points” and not someone I talk to about things any longer.

Zenobia, it sounds like you have your plans firmly in place. The friends piece will fall into place, too.  The people who truly understand will stay with you.

Am hoping your spouse will wake up to their responsibilities.  If not, at least hoping they’ll be a competent parent.

My late GIDXH had a personality disorder. I believe he was a psychopath based on this test by David Hare, PhD - http://www.minddisorders.com/Flu-Inv/Hare-Psychopathy-Checklist.html   I scored him at over 30.

He would have had this if he was straight or gay and to the same degree. The gay had nothing to do with it.  He was a frightening guy to me but a beloved “angel” to everyone else.  (Like he was to me until a year after our wedding.) He was on the extreme end of the personality disorder spectrum.  He would pick physical fights with strangers,  give the finger to the hidden camera at an ATM, hit the side of a city bus that he had just gotten off of, lied about having early onset dementia when I wanted a divorce a year before I really filed. He destroyed things around the house like a cabinet, gashed our hardwood floor, broke our entrance light, etc. I discovered after his death that he had conduct disorder in 4th grade of public school. He disrupted class and threatened his teacher. He attended a fancy reform school from grades 4-8.

Many straight ex and current partners who post here have to endure narcissistic and abusive behavior from non-straight partners long after the closet door is wide open. Very sorry, Rob, and others.


Take care,
Maria

Last edited by MJM017 (May 12, 2021 9:53 pm)

Yes I do think he is somewhere on the range of a covert narcissism disorder. The words and the behavior doesn’t match up and now my eyes are open to that.

I have heard him tell one of these new friends (another older man) to basically just ‘get more money from their father’ to support them (the friend wants to continue not working and living in tourist spots around Europe). He tends to see his own parents in a similar light which was not at all apparent in the beginning. These are able bodied people well into the 40’s with no problem with having a parent (who is probably at an age to be on a fixed income) just pay for their life. Even without TTT this is not a person I would select to be in a relationship had I been given the chance to decide based on the real person. It goes beyond the trivial ways we present our best selves when first meeting people.

Zenobia wrote:

Had I known about TTT from the start I would have declined a relationship as it just doesn’t work with my sexuality as straight. But I never got that choice.

But guess what?  You have a choice now.  If you don't want to be in a relationship with a trans-woman, you don't have to be.  As to the consequences if you leave?  Those are his fault.  You don't have to live the rest of your life in a state of being hoodwinked.