Which brings us to what others here have suggested in the past. A trauma counselor may be a better fit for some of us than a relationship/marriage counselor.

Thanks, Rob. I've felt so many triggers the last 5 or so years and I'd just like there to be space for the issue to be framed more humanly than based in legal status because I haven't yet found a site dedicated to those who weren't married. Part of my personal difficulty is that people can be dismissive of the situation for a straight person for multiple reasons-- one of which is having not been married. Clearly having been married raises other issues which I was fortunate not to deal with and which are in no way minor; the psychological/emotional impact isn't one of them.

Gloria, thanks for sharing. Interesting to think of the vast number of ways this deception can manifest and affect people. And AIDS being much more of an issue in the '80s. I wonder how many people experience long-term psychological disturbance because of having being deceived in this way for a period of their lives. And probably more importantly, what factors of the relationship or overlapping its time period that may have contributed to people having been able to really fully be whole again rather than experience that.

I agree a trauma counselor may be more applicable, especially post-relationship when one feels triggered by things external to the partner's immediate actions.

 

Treelovingvegan wrote:

I’m starting to have negative physiological reactions (nausea and pit in my stomach) to tv shows & movies with scenes that involve lovers in bed.............................. And reading that section gave me the same pit in my stomach feeling. Are these feelings normal? I’m so sick to my gut in my core. I’m disgusted by intimacy. I’m angered by happy couples on tv. I’m sick.

 

I see that as your intuition kicking in. I have had those feelings myself. But you have to..not embrace it...but look at it from not a straightspouses viewpoint but the viewpoint of the person you were before this Mindfuck happened, because you don't want this to destroy you, you want to be the person you were before so you have to seperate all the triggering bits of life (that aren't triggering for any non-straightspouse) and just work your way through it all.

I thought it would never end!! the sickening feeling when a love scene came on the tv and I'd think "this was me, now it's not...it's not fair" It was pretty conflicting....especially when my partner was sitting watching too. I started to feel guilty, like it was my fault this was happening, that our sex life was over. But hell no...it had nothing to do with me. And I just had to keep making decisions for me, about the way I wanted my life to be. The fact I haven't left my partner yet means I had to do a shitload of work on my self-esteem by reminding myself this is not me wanting to change our intimate r'ship, not me who lied, not me etc etc

The fact my partner and I manage to live with 'the elephant in the room' is testament to the longevity of our r'ship...
and the success of it pre-disastrous email in 2017.....which is in its 37th year

Hang in there Treelovin'..be stronger than those feelings you have

Elle

Tree, Soap,

I had quite the opposite reaction to shows and found straight romance shows such as Hallmark comforting..realizing that they are still just fake shows.
I still tend to avoid shows if TGT is the main focus of the show. 
The thing to keep in mind is the shows are all fake.   
I'm not anti gay..I actually watched "uncle frank" on Amazon and it was quite good..he had to hide the gay..but that was 60s and you have to wonder why someone would do that in 90s when I got married.

I think it's ok and normal if you find anything triggering..to recognize it and be kind to yourself..avoiding it or working to reframe it.  Give yourself time and know it does not have to be something you avoid forever.

Soaplife I agree this was all them and it's there shame to bear. We all bear it because that's the kind of people we are..empathetic, responsible.
but the truth is it is not ours. Years later I still remind myself this is something that happened to me..it is not me.

clintonia wrote:

Thanks, Rob. I've felt so many triggers the last 5 or so years and I'd just like there to be space for the issue to be framed more humanly than based in legal status because I haven't yet found a site dedicated to those who weren't married. Part of my personal difficulty is that people can be dismissive of the situation for a straight person for multiple reasons-- one of which is having not been married. Clearly having been married raises other issues which I was fortunate not to deal with and which are in no way minor; the psychological/emotional impact isn't one of them

 

There’s a group on Facebook called “Mixed Orientation Marriages and Other Relationships “. It’s not strictly for non married couples, but at least offers it, as compared to the group (which is also good- both are upbeat), “Mixed Orientation Marriages “. And, I recently also found just Mixed Orientation Relationships” (almost forgot 😉). 

Good luck. Maybe you can find something in one or more of those groups that will match what you’re looking for. I really like the people there, too.