Hi Anonymous, I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but you are in the right place. ((hugs))  Where to start with your heartfelt post ... I've addressed directly your various thoughts, my responses in red.  I hope it isn't too much or too heavy for you, but your story really got to me, and I want to support you honestly from my experience.  I know how hard it is to come to terms with these shocks that your husband has brought into your marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Hello everyone, 
I am just feeling really alone. We are here.  We know how it feels, believe me.  I would appreciate any advice without judgment. My husband came out as trans to me this April 1st. We've been together for 7yrs, we recently married this February.
So he had 7 years to tell you but he waited until not even TWO MONTHS after you are married to lob this bombshell at you and into your marriage.  That is hugely dishonest and manipulative in itself.  He has told you he has had these feelings since youth ... why tell you now instead of 7 years ago when you first started dating?

I have been trying to be super supportive with getting new clothes, shoes, makeup, tuck tape, and breast inserts, etc.
That is incredibly kind and brave of you.  And he is offering similar emotional and practical support to you at this time how ...?   

I'm happy that he/she is happier.
Is he ok that you are so very very unhappy?  or do you feel you have to conceal your unhappiness from him or he will be unhappy?  This is not how a good, honest, healthy relationship works.

My heart hurts that he/she was so scared to feel like this for so long.
My heart hurts for you, that he has deceived you so monumentally by only telling you now instead of 7 years ago. And he is manipulating you into feeling sorry for him!  You are kind.  I am not sure how kind he is.

The first few days after he/she told me I felt like he had died.
Your reaction is correct, that is exactly how it feels.  Because the man you thought you married is not only gone - he never existed.  The man he pretended to be has indeed been killed stone dead, but by his own hand, not anything you have done.

 I tired to really think of "okay this is my husband(or now wife?), the person I choose to be with.
Yes it is your choice.   Choose wisely, I beg you.  Because it will be a lot more painful leaving in 5 or 10 or 50 years than it is now, before there are children and huge financial commitments.  

what do i got to do to make this work?"
Only what you want to.  If you don't want to live in this half-life, you don't have to.

I was dizzy and felt like needing to throw up. I was so hungry but couldn't even bring myself to stuff an almond down my throat for some protein for like 2 days. So tired, could not sleep.
An absolutely normal reaction to this emotional storm your dishonest and manipulative husband has caused. I hope you have sought some help outside the marriage, eg: doctor, therapist, trusted family member or friend.  You need support for YOU.  

After a couple of days of the news and shopping - what a nightmare for you - she dressed up as him again(Sunday night before the workweek) I hugged him and it felt soo good. I missed it soo soo much. My stomach didn't hurt, my heart wasn't pounding out of my chest. Like WTF, what a roller coaster.
Hold that WTF thought - you are correct to be indignant.  He is keeping you off balance and confused as it weakens your ability to see clearly the abusiveness and manipulativeness here, and to choose what you want to do for you, rather than just do what he wants for fear of upsetting him.

I had to keep going to work like nothing happened and I felt like my spouse just died and feeling like how is this now my life. He/She went to work informing some of his trusted co-workers who were surprised and supportive.
Nice.  Not only is he oblivious (or uncaring about) your huge distress so bad that you couldn't eat or sleep for two days (surely he noticed), he has enlisted friendly coworkers to further pressure you to accept everything he wants, or you will somehow be the bad guy in all this.  Soooo manipulative and cold.
.
This is the kind of confusing part, he sometimes feels feminine and sometimes feels masculine. They come in waves apparently. When he is feeling masculine he is says he is still attracted to me. When she is feeling feminine she says she is still attracted to me.
Creepy. Further keeping you unbalanced so you don't even know who you are going to wake up with each day.  Very important questions for you - is this acceptable to you?  are you attracted to him as a woman and what does he expect of you sexually when he is acting as a woman?  This could very quickly turn more heavily abusive than it sounds already.

So she is gay and he is straight? He/She is very sure he/she is not attracted to males.
Oh my dear Anonymous, he has deceived you so mightily FOR SEVEN YEARS about something he knew in his childhood, that you can no longer believe one word he says.  

The gender spectrum is ever growing it seems but from the research I have been able to do, he/she is a two-spirit, walks both paths or something. 
Umm whatever he reckons.  More important, is this sort of stuff acceptable to you?

He/She is still new at this and still figuring it out but thinks "they/them" is stupid and if he is masculine call him he and vice versa.
So even further keeping you confused and unsure of who you are with at any given moment.  You are totally subject to his whim, totally in his control.  And he can blame you when you get it 'wrong'.  This does not sound safe or fair.

Whenever I talk about not signing up for this in a relationship or talking about the possibility of us divorcing he says he will give this all up to stay with me.
Well, you actually didn't sign up for this relationship.  That's a fact.  Which he doesn't seem to think is a valid point. Again, making you the bad guy if you expect your marriage to the one you signed up for with a heterosexual male.   Do you want to have that hanging over your head for ever?  That he gave up his 'real self' for your marriage?  That's a lifetime of blameshifting abusive leverage for him right there.  And Further pressure on you, making you the bad guy whether you stay or leave.  Again that is not how healthy honest relationships work.

But like the cat is out of the bag. He said he had these feelings and thoughts since he was a child and throughout the years he thought of suicide and tried to keep the feminine feelings away.
But he never told you until you were hitched and now he thinks he can go for it and you'll just cave and go along because marriage.  Yet ... you are supposed to feel sorry for HIM?  Is this acceptable to you?

How could I force him to go back to that?
You are not forcing anything on him.  He is forcing something rather major on YOU.  See - you'll be the bad guy whatever you do.  Get used to it if you stay.  Classic abuser tactic in all abusers, straight, gay, trans.  Its a character problem, not a sexuality problem.

I know I love him - Which him do you love, there are so many versions he seems to be working on; please don't say its the one you married because sadly he wasnt real - but I don't know how far this new gal will step on my life. He/she will step all over you as long as you ,let him/her. She wants affection from me as her but I just can not not think of it as a girls night sleepover. Because it isn't.  Its your marriage, he is your husband not your girlfriend, its a huge deception, its abusive, and you need to look after yourself and your future happiness. He doesn't want affection, he wants compliance and cover for his behaviour.  Is this acceptable to you?

I am too embarrassed to talk to my family or co-workers and I do not have much close friends.
Please find a doctor, a therapist, a trusted family member, or a friend.  If you can't do that, keep posting here. But you don't have to be his secret keeper.  Secrets are the abuser's best friend.

I fully support the LGBTQ community - we all do.  people like your husband are basically lying, selfish and abusive - its not their sexuality, its their character that is causing the problem in your marriage.  and have talked with one of my past co-workers who happens to be trans female for support/advice about my situation and she has helped out a lot figure out what trans meant to my spouse and myself and supports me and has also given tips/advice to my spouse. She also strongly suggest I seek more support. She is right, you need support.  I don't know where you live, but I am sure there are people on this board who can offer practical suggestions as to where you can find help. A doctor or domestic abuse hotline might be able to direct you to appropriate help/counselling/therapy. I still feel like I need some advice from someone who has gone through something like this.

Sorry for the long read and thank you to any advice. 

I truly wish you all the best in the difficult journey ahead. My husband was not trans, but a closet gay who only came out after our divorce.  I divorced him after 25 year of marriage because of escalating abuse, emotional, psychological, sexual.  Much of what you say your husband is doing is the same manipulative blameshifting way my husband used to treat me, and it is hard to accept that someone you have given your honest love to is willing to treat you so badly and use you for his own purposes (ie: doesn't love you back).  Past behaviour is predictive of future behaviour.  Abuse doesn't usually get better.  If you can clear you head, and observe how he treats you  ... it will be very helpful for you going forward.  Accepting the truth of who he is and what is acceptable to you is really hard, but essential.

Last edited by Soaplife (May 5, 2021 4:26 am)

Anon,

While I have no experience with trans.. when I discovered my GX gay cheating, I can identify with the "I had to keep going to work like nothing happened" statement.   

I was white as a ghost in utter shock at work and people asked me what was wrong. How do you tell people the spouse you knew, thought you knew, had died..well no not died but was no more.

I have no answers on the gay, trans etc but the I think in our shock, posting here, etc what we are feeling is the wrongness and immorality of it all.  That and the loss.. Like our spouses has passed away but they havent..they are still walking and breathing.  But there is no funeral and it is a death for us mixed with a malevolent, sick joke..i.e. I have not died..im still here to everyone else so your grief, anger, loss at the gayness/trans etc is not real or true..

I think that is what we need..to mourn and process our grief.  Help from friends, family, doctors, therapis, priest..   an army of support to help us.    Because who is helping you/us... not our spouses.

A warm sincere ehug.