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April 28, 2021 9:23 pm  #1


Just checking in

Hey everyone-
Me again. It’s been a few months, and not much has changed.
Just grinding away, keeping kids and keeping house.

GIDH says he misses me, wants to BE with me...
and I just feel so broken. I have NO desire. At all. I don’t even want to hold his hand... and it makes me sad. Because I enjoy physical touch. I enjoy hugging and cuddling and whatnot... but I can’t seem to want to do anything with him anymore.

I know it hurts him. And I know it makes him sad.

But I don’t know how to change my very core, which is what feels so shattered.

Also- thoughts that haunt me while I lie awake at 3 am and can’t get back to sleep:
-Why didn’t ANYONE (him, friends who may have suspected/known, etc) think I was worth warning/telling about this? Was I so unlovable and so untrustworthy? Did no one know, or did no one care?
- why did I have to find out? Just so I could be tortured?
-Why does he get to be sad, but I have to somehow pick up the pieces and try to pretend like it’s all going to go back to where it was? I DIDNT BRING THIS TO OUR MARRIAGE!
- I cheated on him- early in our marriage. And he brings it up- but my counselor told me... and I think she’s right-
I think from our very wedding night I knew something was wrong. The PASSION wasn’t there. The desire wasn’t there. And I went looking for that. It’s doesn’t excuse anything, but it does provide a little bit of explanation. My gut, my soul knew something was wrong.
I wish I had listened to it.... I want to die... but I don’t, because I want to experience love, and I want to watch my kids grow up.

 

April 29, 2021 3:49 am  #2


Re: Just checking in

Deceivedandsad wrote:

..... .

You poor thing. I've been through the stage you're going through and man it sucks. Waking at 4 am every morning... For 1 year when we lived in Australia and then for another 2 when we came back to NZ until I shook myself out of it.
Basically I just couldn't do the crying anymore, it was killing me.
You can't keep doing the shoulda coulda woulda either. It's done. In the past

You will have a future. But you have to get through today to forget the past. It may take another year or two. Sorry 😐
I drove up a hill many times looking down to the sea below. It would've been so easy just to drive off, but I would've missed so much if I hadn't been there for my own suicidal son.

As for having no desire.. You're going to have to see your own worth and to love yourself and your life first. It's a journey... But not if you can't look back and appreciate what you've gained

Elle

 


KIA KAHA                       
 

April 30, 2021 5:12 pm  #3


Re: Just checking in

I left my ex after being with him for a few years, same thing as you - I ended up at my brother's place and my ex would come over and say how much he missed me and how much he loved me and wanted me back.  oh boy I wish I hadn't listened to him and gone back to him.  and I remember when I did go back and how deflating it was and I wish I'd just turned on my heel and walked right back out.

goodness, I'm with you - how dare he do the I'm so sad thing, he might be missing his old life but is he missing you? - I call bs on that.  

 

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