Rosie,

I’m sorry you’re going through this, but glad to see you’re reaching out. This is a good place to do it. We’ve all been through at least something similar.

My husband cheated with men the first 15 1/2 years of our marriage, too. I had no idea, either. Unlike you, however, I had NO idea he was bisexual, so it was a BIG surprise when I found he was searching for dates online. It went from there (very LONNNG story short). He did  stop seeing men when I found out. Not because he wanted to, but after I found out, I set boundaries if we were to have a marriage, and the first was no more cheating. Also, unlike your husband, he didn’t want a relationship with the men, only oral sex. (After they were through, he always just left- they never even had lunch- he didn’t even know their last names). But, since your husband wants the whole relationship, I can sure see why it had to end so quickly.
Now, the lockdown and wanting to bring the boyfriend into the home...wow. I understand it’s two households, but if the two of you are still married, you have a say-so since your children are involved. How do you feel about having his boyfriend as a 2nd dad and you aren’t even divorced. Do what YOU want for the children in this case. He’s getting what HE wants in the rest of it.... just a suggestion. I didn’t mean to make it sound like an order. I don’t usually give advice, just share experience, strength & hope.
I hope you can find a solution you are comfortable with. I wouldn’t say yes to something I couldn’t live with myself. It’s totally up to you.
All the best to you
(((((HUGS)))))

Last edited by SusanneH (April 24, 2021 3:02 pm)

Hello Rosie,

Your ex needs to get his priorities clear. He and his bf of the moment can be themselves (and infect each other and other gay men) in their own household.

Keep your kids safe & healthy. No 24-hour party people allowed.

Thank you all for your replies and support. 

I wanted to share an update that we had a meeting with a mediator who was very helpful. I felt that she allowed me to voice my anxieties, not just over the potential exposure a new adult could bring, but also the anxieties I have felt since becoming a single parent not that long ago. This is all so new for me and going through it in a pandemic has really hindered, if not stagnated, my processing and healing.

He kept pushing for his bf to be added to the household (he would still live in his own house so we would ultimately be one household but under 3 roofs.) I was consistent and concise that I’m not comfortable with it and the bf is not an essential caregiver to the children so I don’t feel the benefit. 

The mediator said that as long as I’m not comfortable his plan cannot proceed and we have agreed that during lockdown the “household” will be just myself, him and our two kids. He is so upset with me. I receive the silent treatment everyday when he is here to take over with the kids so I can work. In mediation he stated that he believed that my reasoning has as much to do with not wanting him to have someone but it’s not true. If that were true I could have easily made the divorce so messy and painful for him but it has been peaceful and compassionate. Prior to lockdown, I was fine with the two of them seeing each other with precautions.  

Knowing that someone believes me to be petty and homophobic and treating me with coldness is worse than being lonely in all this isolation right now but I think I made the right choice for my family. 

Thanks for your support.

Hi Rosie,

I’m glad common sense prevailed.  You stood your ground. (Yay!)

You are following correct medical protocol to keep you and your kids safe. It’s too bad your ex is so self-centered. He’s not modeling mature behavior to your kids to say the least.

I know it hurts. It’s annoying. (My GIDXH used me call me conservative & not hip out of nowhere.I now understand why.) 

I would say enjoy the silence. What can you say to a child in an adult’s body anyway? Sending you and your kids good thoughts.  😊

Best,
Maria