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April 29, 2021 4:56 am  #11


Re: I don’t know what to think. Please help

Leslie77 & Ellexo_nz, thank you both for your advice. I wish there was an easy answer. I do have a question to the group... how did you ask your spouse about their sexual orientation/preference? I don’t know how to start the conversation. I asked him a few months ago and he just adamantly stated he wasn’t gay. And claimed since He never masterbated to gay porn, he wasn’t gay. I want to bring it up one more time and ask him if he’s ever watched gay porn and if so how much? But don’t know how to do it without being accusatory.

Thank you for any advice.

 

April 29, 2021 5:43 am  #12


Re: I don’t know what to think. Please help

Treelovingvegan wrote:

Leslie77 & Ellexo_nz, thank you both for your advice. I wish there was an easy answer. I do have a question to the group... how did you ask your spouse about their sexual orientation/preference? I don’t know how to start the conversation. I asked him a few months ago and he just adamantly stated he wasn’t gay. And claimed since He never masterbated to gay porn, he wasn’t gay. I want to bring it up one more time and ask him if he’s ever watched gay porn and if so how much? But don’t know how to do it without being accusatory.

Thank you for any advice.

Over 3-4 years of arguments, tears, denials from him, frustration for me... The answers stopped mattering. When I had no trust in what he said was true...I told myself "why ask questions at all" It's been difficult but since I don't get emotional anymore it's got easier not to ask. Questions only caused irritable anger. I'm not going back there ever. You may not have reached the point of not needing answers yet so pick times you know he'll be calm

Our lives will never be the same and our unemotional men have no inkling that it matters.

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

April 29, 2021 7:25 am  #13


Re: I don’t know what to think. Please help

"How did you ask your spouse about their sexual orientation/preference?" 

I brought it up many times in the three years that he was dressing like a woman and I was seeing the gay red flags.  Sometimes we discussed it when I was mad about something (the time I found a search for gay bars on his computer) and sometimes as a thoughtful conversation.  He always denied being gay.  Even when we went to the crackpot therapist, he would skirt the subject and then clam up.  We had two short sessions with the counselor alone, and I believe he told her his true feelings, but not me. 

I think (and this is only my opinion) that most men will automatically answer "No" if you ask them if they are gay or bisexual.  A better question would be "why" type questions.  Some men will never admit it.  

The best advice I ever got from this forum was from Outofhiscloset.  I was questioning what label to put to my husband (gay? bi? trans?) and she said what does it matter.  He's f***ed up.  Is that okay with you?

I hope you get the answers you are looking for, if there are any.  If there is something there, you have to be prepared for how you are going to cope with that knowledge.  Once the door is opened, you can't un-know.

 

April 29, 2021 12:41 pm  #14


Re: I don’t know what to think. Please help

Hi TreeLovingVegan:

It seems you need answers from your husband about his sexual orientation and whether his LGBT+ experimentation was just a phase.  However, the overwhelming evidence paints the picture that the man who sits before you is definitely "not straight" and decidedly LGBT+:

he's "curious" and kissed boys;
he sits to pee;
he's wearing your clothes;
he's best friends with a trans woman;
he likes TV shows with heavy gay content; and
he has a current appetite for gay porn.

Maybe I'm reading between the lines, but I think you thought that his experimentation along the LGBT+ spectrum was "in the past" or "just a phase" when you asked whether any of us straight guys ever experimented with other dudes.  I did not and never wanted that, and I suspect that's true for most straight guys.  Even if I'm wrong about that, it's clear that your husband's recent behaviors (see list above) show he remains in exploratory mode on the LGBT+ spectrum.

So is your LGBT+ husband, along with his actions, acceptable to you?  If not, remember you have the right to exit any relationship that crosses your boundaries or deviates from what you thought you signed up for.  Your decision should be based upon his actions rather than his words.  Actions don't lie.

Good luck.
 

 

April 30, 2021 7:59 am  #15


Re: I don’t know what to think. Please help

Yes, he's gay. In my opinion, a man who is attracted to men is gay. I do not think of it as being curious. My long term boyfriend won't admit it either but he is as gay as gay can be and I am waiting for him to fall. I don't know your situation so I am not going to tell you to divorce. In fact, it is not my place to give you advice at all. I hope that things get better for you soon.

 

May 4, 2021 7:30 am  #16


Re: I don’t know what to think. Please help

Hi blue bear! Thank you for the thoughts/advice. Now, this may be coming from a place of denial but would the following comments to your list  impact how you feel about my husband? I’ve copied your list below and added comments

he's "curious" and kissed boys: this was just in highschool
He sits to pee: no comment here
he's wearing your clothes; this was only once when we had no clean laundry
he's best friends with a trans woman: they’ve been friends since middle school & friend just came out as transvestite a few years ago
he likes TV shows with heavy gay content; he likes shows with heavy sexual context, gay & straight
he has a current appetite for gay porn: I need to confirm with him how current this appetite is. When  the last time he saw gay porn was. Was it just in highschool? If so, does that make it less likely he is exploring? We are in our 30s

As you can tell I am trying to still just digest all this  information & analyze it. But I don’t want to over analyze, hence would love your follow up thoughts.

     Thread Starter
 

May 4, 2021 11:20 am  #17


Re: I don’t know what to think. Please help

Hi TLV:

I can tell you this much.  As a vague sweeping generalization, straight guys don't kiss other guys, wear their wives' clothes (ever), enjoy gay porn, or enjoy entertainment with heavy gay content.  There isn't even a desire for exploration of this stuff in a straight guy's mind.  Your husband is definitely somewhere within the LGBTQIA alphabet soup.  His history and current activities prove that.

Which gets back to another common straight spouse theme:  trust actions, not words.  So many of us are confused because we are trying to resolve the confusion between the person we thought we married, the person who our spouse says that they are, and current actions that often conflict with all of that.  It's not easy, so be patient with yourself.  Often, our spouse's words are designed to perpetuate the deception that they are straight.  My ex-wife (also from a hyper conservative religious background), who just took our kids, her girlfriend, and her girlfriend's kids to Mexico for Spring break, continues to deny that she's anything but straight.  Trust actions, not words.

My girlfriend (straight spouse also) and I often analogize this to the TV show "My 600 Pound Life".  The doctor on that show tells the "star" of each episode they need to lose weight, and the star says they will eat better or eat less.  In the follow up medical appointment, the star says that they did eat better and did eat less, but the scale shows the same 600+ pound weight.  Do you believe the scale or the star, who is protesting that they have made changes despite the reading on the scale?  Trust actions, not words.

Good luck.  Keep writing.  The only direct advice I will give you is this.  Your situation is understandably driving you crazy, and crazy is rarely fixable.  You're young and have a lot of life to live.  Ask whether you want to live that life with someone who is sexually compatible with you, who you trust with everything you have, and is willing to be honest with you about everything.  You get to make a decision.  Look out for you.

 

May 4, 2021 3:56 pm  #18


Re: I don’t know what to think. Please help

Blue Bear wrote:

Hi TLV:


Good luck.  Keep writing.  The only direct advice I will give you is this.  Your situation is understandably driving you crazy, and crazy is rarely fixable.  You're young and have a lot of life to live.  Ask whether you want to live that life with someone who is sexually compatible with you, who you trust with everything you have, and is willing to be honest with you about everything.  You get to make a decision.  Look out for you.

You’re words are spot on again. It’s just so hard. Outside of this HUGE issue we have an incredible marriage. He’s kind and loving. I think he is just fighting his curiosity- as I suspect- he feels fighting it is godly. I think I just need to have an honest convo with him. But as Lily77 mentioned... you can never “un-know” ... and that is what I’m scared of. I just don’t want to disrupt our lives. But it’s better to leave before we have children, if that’s the route I am to take.

I just hate this inner war that is going in my head & soul. I go back and forth. What do I do?! What should I do?!
I think a long conversation with my husband is needed.

Thank you for the support!

     Thread Starter
 

May 4, 2021 5:18 pm  #19


Re: I don’t know what to think. Please help

Be suspicious of everything he says during that long conversation.  I had conversations like this with my ex-wife, and they were frustrating expeditions to nowhere littered with her pretzel logic and outright lies.  Expect the same, and ask yourself what you want to get out of the conversation before you have it. 

When you say you "don't want to disrupt our lives", keep in mind that it's not you who would be causing the disruption.  Staying with your husband will involve forcing yourself to accept things that are deal killers or cross your boundaries -- that's the exact reason why you are experiencing this inner war.

Good luck, keep writing.  Let us know how it goes.

 

May 4, 2021 6:20 pm  #20


Re: I don’t know what to think. Please help

Any advice on how to start the convo? Any tips?

     Thread Starter
 

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