I moved out of the house and into the chook shed at the bottom of the garden.  It was my own roof over my head and I liked it a lot (converted from chickens to my studio, and I moved my bed into it as well).  so there I am negotiating the separation via email and looking for a new place to live and whoomph, it happened, that magic moment that makes your whole life make sense.  I fell in love, the big one.  

someone I had known for a long time, and his wife has left him at the same time as I am getting divorced.  We never even kissed.  I was up a rainforest valley on the other side of the earth and he was sailing his boat across the ocean. Three weeks later she came back to him.  

I completed the separation, bought a house.  It is by the sea.  The first night I slept here I recognised that a level of stress I had been living with, not even really recognising it as such, instantly eased.  omg, I felt more peaceful, I felt more relaxed, I slept well.  I seriously appreciated being able to lie on the living room carpet and bawl my eyes out.  I had to face my fears of loneliness, loneliness hurts living alone is not the same and I met a nice neighbour who gave me tips on how to look after yourself, we have become friends,  I have settled in here.  I am in the final stages of completing a white clay sculpture of a mermaid - sort of sums me up.

Inside myself, I still feel connected to the man I fell in love with.  

Last edited by lily (April 14, 2021 7:15 pm)

Hi Jo,

I was wondering what the similarity was except I realised we are both in our 60's having dreamed of love only to find ourselves in abusive relationships and now on our own.

yes it hurts.  But no I do not have regrets for wanting to be loved rather than used.  

you have had several unsuccessful relationships, I have had one very long one and so I am under no illusion how bad it was getting and I am simply grateful to have got away from him.  He seemed like he was my best friend, I believed he was for ever so long but it was only a fantasy he peddled.

Victo wrote:

Trying to find a new normal has been hard. Especially in a pandemic.


Was she right? Is recovery truly impossible? Hmm...


Learning to actually communicate my needs, desires, and fears has been extremely tough - more difficult than finding sexual fulfillment. Learning to navigate the open communication aspect has been harder than I anticipated.

Things were going well with my new girlfriend. She encouraged me to live my truth and I was doing that. Then, I got vaccinated for covid w/o discussing it with my gf first. I snagged a last minute vaccination slot and got the shot. And then that night, I told my girlfriend what I had done. And she was furious and hurt and broke up with me.

From my POV, I was doing what I needed to do for my own health, wellness and survival. I knew she was dubious about vaccines, but I didn’t realize my gf was such a rabid anti-vaxxer. It was not enough that I could simply respect her choice and hope that she could respect mine. Now she refused to exchange any bodily fluids with me because I was now tainted somehow. Ugh.

Needless to say, this whole discovery/divorce/recovery process has been extremely difficult. I don’t feel much joy in life. At best, I am numb. At worst, I am depressed and lonely. Intellectually, I know that I am finally free and that there are lots of doors in front of me to open and walk through. However, I certainly feel overwhelmed by this freedom. I would like to find a new normal that nourishes and rewards me, but I still don’t know how this is going to happen.

I keep thinking about the attractive date who told me my recovery was impossible. I think she was wrong, and I’d still like to prove her wrong. But I do have my doubts. What if she was right?

I think you are forever changed as we are by all events in our lives.  I think you have proven that you have gained insight and be comfortable with changes in perspective - like realizing you don't have to go out of your way for LGBT acceptance - if the person is a good person great - LGBT or not.

Unfortunately, dating is a bitch.  You connected well on some level with the anti-vaxxer.  Be glad that she showed those true colors.  From my perspective, what you did was fine/sensible.  I know people have strong feelings both ways.  I'm just saying her going wild over that is not just about the vaccine - it's about, from my perspective, overreacting to a grown man making his own decisions.

You'll find someone at first it will be Ms. Right Now, but eventually it will be Ms. Right.

Thank you, Lily.

I think my primary issue with personal healing right now is that I really have no idea of the actual size and shape of the damage I have suffered.  My need for healing is like an iceberg.  There is a certain amount that is obvious and visible, but I really don’t know yet how deep and wide it is below the surface.

For example, I knew all along in my marriage that my sexual needs were not being met.  That much was obvious.  Still, I assumed for years that this was just a byproduct of being married.  Married couples often say they don’t have enough sex.  But then I read a statistic that had been based on a large survey sample size of married couples describing their sexual routines and I realized just how below-the-norm our sex life actually was. 8 times in 2 years while allegedly ‘attempting to get pregnant’ was statistically ludicrous. It easily met the definition of a ‘sexless marriage’.  (Before this, I had assumed that a marriage that featured occasional sex couldn’t be defined as ‘sexless’.  Alas.  Many marriages where both partners were dissatisfied with their sex lives were nevertheless clocking between 50-100 times a year!)

So the obvious solution for healing from this seemed to be to find someone else to have a lot of sex with.  Miraculously, I found someone like that and proceeded to attempt to heal.  And in the heat of passion, the carnal connection did seem to help reset some of the issues I was facing.  It melted off a bit of the iceberg visible above the water line.

But the damage from the emotional abuse of being with a LCCEANGIDX for almost two decades simply cannot be healed by some much needed hetero sex.  There was (and still is) a much larger iceberg of damage lurking below.

I find that I am still quite nervous about expressing my real feelings, needs, desires and fears.  I realize that while my LCCEANGIDX was actively lying to me for decades, I too was not being truly truthful.

When asked, say, ‘Does this outfit make me look fat?’, I would smile warmly and say ‘of course not’ and put my arms around her.  But deep down, I likely thought to myself ‘that poor outfit has nothing to do with it.’  (Perhaps, Lily, this doesn’t make me such a great guy after all).  I never ever wanted to be cruel to my partner so I always kept my mouth shut about what could be perceived as her faults.  My hope was that she would show similar restraint toward me but it never quite worked out that way.  Similarly, if I ever expressed aloud a personal desire or need, she would make a mental note of it and then use it against me when our cold war would flare up into hot conflict.  Nothing was sacred to her when it came to an opportunity to belittle me, and she seemed to love nothing more than to purposefully deny me something I had expressed a desire for, or mock me for a dream of mine I had not managed to make real.

Essentially, I learned to keep my mouth shut about everything, and in doing so, I surrendered my reality to my LCCEANGIDX’s closet.

So how does a person who has been a grey rock for decades learn to open up and become generous and vulnerable again?  How does an iceberg finally get fully melted?

Victo,

"..So how does a person who has been a grey rock for decades learn to open up and become generous and vulnerable again?  How does an iceberg finally get fully melted?..."

I also suffered and kept very silent in my marriage..only looking back now do I see how that was not normal and perhaps was my contribution to the marriage problem..but I would argue it was far easier than dealng with her anger.  The fear, obligation and guilt that I thought normal in a marriage or relationship  really was not.

Yes I see the narcissism now..anything you say or do will be banked and used against you at a later date. 

I think one learns to open up by simply stating your feelings more with a new partner..the person should be ok with that and what you've been through..and if they are not then they are just don't deserve..they are not the nice person we want them to be.