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April 13, 2021 2:47 pm  #1


Married to Transgender - Seeking Input from similar who stayed married

First, I want to say what a blessing it was to find this site. I'm new to this situation, and posted a couple of weeks ago for advice on support. It was very helpful, as is reading the stories and advice posted here.

A number of years ago, my wife of 31 years told me she was bisexual, having denied it for most of her life. She was not looking to act on it, but wanted me to know. Honestly, it really didn't bother me. If she wasn't looking for an outlet, it had no impact on my perception of her. Then, last year, she told me she identified as transgender and had been denying it for all these years out of fear I would hate her (at this point I will adjust my pronouns as my spouse prefers "they/them" and I'm trying to get used to it). This was at the start of COVID, so its not as if there wasn't enough other stress to focus on. But I've pretty much spent the last year in denial. Most of the time its as if it never came up. Other times its front and center, and I feel like I'm living with a stranger. I'm struggling to be supportive of their change in lifestyle while realizing that I'm just not comfortable or able to continue to pretend that nothing has changed, nor am I really comfortable being the spouse of someone who is transgender. That's my hang-up, but it is what it is. But I don't hate them or want nothing to do with them anymore. I've been with them for more than half my life. However, they decided to go forward with testosterone therapy last month, so its no longer something I can ignore. And the stress has been difficult.

I realize I will ultimately need to make a decision on whether to stay married or separate. They do not want to separate, but are completely understanding of the dilemma and turmoil I am in.

Due to unrelated factors, the relationship hasn't been intimate for many years. But neither of us has really had a big issue with that. However, the testosterone treatments have  jump-started their sex drive, but mine is completely squashed by the current situation. But again, that's not really the big issue here for us.

My biggest issue is that I am not comfortable presenting as a married couple to someone who is presenting as male. They are not considering any gender reassignment surgery (at least not currently), but would like to appear more masculine. 

All that said, I still enjoy their company. They are my best friend, and we've been through hell and back over 30-something years. But I am just too hung up on the social situation and my own level of discomfort as being perceived as in a same-sex marriage. This hasn't affected my emotional affection for them, but it has definitely affected my attraction and how I feel about them as a spouse. 

So... I'm curious to see if anyone has been in a similar situation (feeling as I do), yet decided to stay married. If so, I'd love to hear how it worked and what strategies you used.

Thanks for any input.

 

April 13, 2021 4:51 pm  #2


Re: Married to Transgender - Seeking Input from similar who stayed married

I've not been in this situation but I don't think you should consider your reaction to this situation as your hang up. You didn't know this going into the relationship and it's quite a different situation compared to something like a close friend deciding to transition. There should be no expectation that anyone could continue on as before in the face of such drastic changes. They are not just changing who they present as. To the casual observer, it also appears to change who you present as. Then there is the deeper considerations of the nature of desire and attraction. This can be deeply ingrained in us and not easily rationalized in a different direction. Hope someone has some experiences they can share with you. Peace.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

April 18, 2021 12:43 pm  #3


Re: Married to Transgender - Seeking Input from similar who stayed married

Thanks Daryl.

I'm not sure if the lack of response is due to there not being many people in this particular situation or that those who stayed together don't frequent this support site anymore. I suppose that's a possibility. Still feeling alone on a rock out in the ocean...

     Thread Starter
 

April 18, 2021 1:53 pm  #4


Re: Married to Transgender - Seeking Input from similar who stayed married

I don't think many of us who have been or are married to trans-identified people have commented because we have either left and divorced, or wish we could.  That in and of itself might tell you something.

 

April 18, 2021 2:49 pm  #5


Re: Married to Transgender - Seeking Input from similar who stayed married

I was thinking that was the case. Thanks for sharing that. I honestly assumed that would be the vast majority of the situation. My age and the number of years married are my struggling points. At 56, I'm uncertain whether I want to start again, and over 30 years of marriage is a tough thing to walk away from. But I have to consider that my spouse is no longer fully the person I married. It's like a constant whirlpool I'm on the edge of.

     Thread Starter
 

April 18, 2021 4:10 pm  #6


Re: Married to Transgender - Seeking Input from similar who stayed married

There's a lot to unpack in this kind of situation and I'll never understand somebody....1 person....asking me to call/refer to one person....as they

Do you want to be married to 2 people? because isn't that what it would be?

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

April 18, 2021 4:51 pm  #7


Re: Married to Transgender - Seeking Input from similar who stayed married

My spouse was 58 when he dropped his trans bomb, and I was 61, and we'd been married for 32 years, so I know what you mean about having to think hard about starting over.  I stayed for three years after he dropped it, for the first half of that three years hoping I could see my way to staying, and, for the second half, working myself up to getting out.  I had a financial situation that allowed me to make that decision, but I am still in the process of remaking my life.   I am now three years out from leaving, and happy I did.  I support what longwayhome says about most of us finding our way to the other side; the grief and upheaval I experienced, along with the challenges, have been more than compensated for by the peace I have now.   I wasn't able to appreciate how freeing it would be to get out of the crazy until I did; hell, I didn't appreciate how crazy it was until I left!

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 18, 2021 4:54 pm)

 

April 18, 2021 5:25 pm  #8


Re: Married to Transgender - Seeking Input from similar who stayed married

19 when we met, 57 when I found out he was gayindenial.  Bisexual was the term he used before going back in the closet and that's fine by me but I was in no doubt he found men attractive in a way he had never felt for me.

I was on a fairly rapid trajectory - it was a few months to knowing I needed a divorce and 18 months before leaving.  From the first night in my new home I felt better.

So the question that comes up for me is who do you think she is doing all this changing for?  I mean she doesn't think the masculinising is going to make her more attractive to you does she.  

where in all this makes it okay for her to put you in the back pocket?  

 

April 19, 2021 1:50 pm  #9


Re: Married to Transgender - Seeking Input from similar who stayed married

Anonymoose in my situation there have been so many other lies and behaviors that I cannot imagine staying long term. Beyond the costume and the hormones there have been so many lies that the person I initially met was a fabrication. That person I miss and that person I was close to. In my case this new (or rather what they feel is the real or original person) I could be friends with they are not someone I could have a close relationship with nor trust.

After the pandemic I do wonder about how it will be to be seen with them (they are not gone just yet). And as someone else mentioned in a response I think for me it really is more that they have chosen to change how people will see me without my permission. I participated in a relationship that was a lie without my knowledge it was a lie. Now until he leaves the house I will be seen as in a different type of relationship again without my permission. I am not against relationships that aren’t hetero but they are for people that don’t happen to be hetero. I happen to be hetero so what he has done is put me in a relationship that isn’t my truth without my consent. It’s not that I have a hang up, it’s that I was lied to and manipulated. Like he’s making me be a fake and co-opting an identity that is not mine which I find really rude to those who actually do have that identity.

You’ve been placed in a tough spot. It’s a lot to think about and work through. Allow yourself time and grace.

 

April 19, 2021 3:27 pm  #10


Re: Married to Transgender - Seeking Input from similar who stayed married

I'm pushing 50.  As soon as he disclosed his belief that he was transgender, I started making arrangements for him to move out. Why should I be forced to compromise my beliefs and identity after all of the deception he was responsible for?

 

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