Worried wrote:

if he were gay he would probably know it by now.

Is that something that you would say if someone asked you if YOU were gay?  "No, I'm straight - if I were gay, I'd have known by now".  Why does anything after "NO" need to be said?  I know you aren't looking at it that way, but as someone who was subjected to so much BS from their own (previous) gay spouse, this double-talk is very telling.

I'd tell him that I'm not ready to back in bed with him.  But that if he's serious about wanting to stay with you and dd, that requires that he spend most of his free time with his family instead of pursuing solitary interests.  Give him something concrete - tell him that he's got two nights a week (out of 7) to spend on separate interests.  When he's home, he's actively involved with you and dd.  NOT in another room doing his own thing and watching his own shows.  See where that gets you.  I'll bet he won't be able to go one month this way.  Hell, I'll bet he can't go a week.  He's going to throw a fit about "having" to spend so much time with you, and how needy you are.  Just watch.

My husband and I LOVE to spend time together.  There is room for our own interests and friends, but for the most part, the thing we WANT more than anything else is time with each other.  That's how it's supposed to be with someone that you're in love with.  You are supposed to enjoy a break, but be eager to get back together.  In order for something to be a "break", it has to be a break from the normal.  Right not his normal is pursuing his own interests - you are now the break.  It needs to turn around.  I'd bet you're going to met with much arguing on this.

Lying next to each other in the dark doesn't count toward quality time.  As a matter of fact, the bed is a barometer for how the rest of your marriage is going.  it's not so easy as putting yourself back into the bed and thinking that everything is fine.  When everything is fine, the bed thing happens naturally.

Kel