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April 18, 2021 12:17 am  #1

I don’t know what to think. Please help

My husband is a loving & kind man. We have unbelievable sex.  However I’m not sure if he’s bisexual. In highscool he said he was curious and made out with boys though still dated & had sex with  a lot girls. He said he only kissed guys. He had one bad experience where an older man took advantage of him and from then on he never made out with a boy.. Recently he started sitting to pee. He said it’s cleaner. He wore my tiny short shorts to work cuz he said laundry wasn’t done. His best friend is a transvestite. The thing that got me concerned was we were watching Netflix show Hollywood with a lot of gay/homo-erotic scenes. I was uncomfortable so stoped watching the show but he watched the entire season alone late at night. In his defense he watches a lot of tv (of all kind) late at night. I asked him about his past experiences in highschool because he was never comfortable talking about it when we dated. But I felt compelled to ask after he watched entire season of Hollywood. He said he’s not gay because he’s “never masterbated to gay porn and [he’s] watched a lot of porn” is it weird he said I’ve never masterbated to gay porn vs never watched it? Please help! Does my husband sound bisexual?


April 18, 2021 9:45 am  #2

Re: I don’t know what to think. Please help

I'm not sure there's enough information to work with here. I would have guessed it might be more of a cross-dressing or trans thing but that could be way off. One thing I think might be a red flag is your statement that he's watched a lot of porn. I have nothing against that but it can be detrimental to a relationship if one party consumes it heavily without the other parties participation. Modern drama, especially non-network programming, is becoming a lot more open to including LBGTQ elements. Some people might want to switch off at that point, some people don't care and can keep watching because it's part of the story. What you might want to keep an eye open for is a viewing trend towards anything with those elements. Assuming you are sharing the same netflix profile, it will tailor based on previous viewing habits and thumb's up/down markers you set.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

April 18, 2021 10:55 am  #3

Re: I don’t know what to think. Please help

The porn use and his friendship with a transvestite to me is a chicken-egg situation.  Does he watch a lot of gay/transvestite porn and have a transvestite best fried because he is suppressing these elements in himself (that is, has he been in denial and is now coming out?) or is he doing the things he's doing (sitting down to pee, wearing your clothes, taking up with a transvestite best friend) because he's watching all this porn.

The question for me is not "What is he?" but "Is this acceptable to me?"  How do YOU feel about your situation?  Do you feel comfortable with his actions and words?  Are you satisfied with his explaining himself to himself (and to you) by his reactions to porn?  Porn as a means to measure anything, or model oneself after, and that includes sex, is not a useful measure for much in life.  

  In addition to your feelings about what he's doing, his reaction to you and your feelings is also important here.  Is he minimizing?  Deflecting?  Engaging in any other behaviors that indicate he is unresponsive to your feelings?  

 He's clearly experimenting, to what end you can't know.  All you can know is whether this experimentation and the places it's taking him (and where it might take him) is a deal-breaker for you.   


April 18, 2021 12:04 pm  #4

Re: I don’t know what to think. Please help

Thank you both for your thoughtful & kind responses. I’m constantly worried I’ll be mistaken for homophobic. I truly feel love is love. Gay/straight/bi/transgender/cisgender.. whatever. I  just seek transparency in my relationship.this forum helps me feel safe and not judged to post my worries. Thank you. 

Daryl, your right during the first year of our marriage we battled with his porn addiction. He was on porn chat rooms with women called myfreecams. The only reason I found out was because he had screen shot a pic of one of the girls and left it open on the computer screen. I found it the next morning. That led me to snoop but didn’t find anything else. When I confronted him he said he never chatted with these women. He just would go to the chat rooms and watch the women. And since he didn’t chat with them it was no different than regular porn. He said reason I didn’t find anything in his browser history is because he uses the “incognito” feature. The big problem I had was we weren’t having sex at that time. He said he was too stressed with work at that time. But clearly he was not too stressed to masterbated to porn. That was 3 years ago. But we went to counseling and porn hasn’t been an issue in our relationship since. And we now have a fairly active sex life.

Thank you, outofhiscloset for your thoughts. I didn’t want to admit that he’s experimenting. But I think you may be right. His response when I asked  to understand his past bisexual period a bit more, he was slightly defensive & uncomfortable but  I know he was trying to be as open as he could be. He answered every question I asked him and said he understood why I had questions. He didn’t make me feel crazy. So that is a good sign. But I think your right, at the end of the day I need to decide if I am comfortable with his experimentation and where it may lead.

Another wrinkle in the story... In his religion (not Christianity), homosexuality is considered a sin and a test you must overcome. It’s looked as a form of selfishness and test. So I don’t know how much that plays a role Into things too. I wonder if his religion was more accepting would we be in a different situation where he would be comfortable in being bisexual.

Either way I don’t know how to navigate next. I’ll keep an eye out on his movie selections. And try to focus on what is acceptable to me. Do you have any other advice? I think about this day & night. I can’t keep living like this.

Last edited by Treelovingvegan (April 18, 2021 12:27 pm)

     Thread Starter

April 18, 2021 1:24 pm  #5

Re: I don’t know what to think. Please help


It could be anything.  It’s smart of you to be aware and seek honesty. It’s always ok to ask & question if the answer seems off. 

I can tell you a few things about my GIDXH which echo some of your partner’s actions. Please keep in mind it could be coincidence. He would urinate sitting down a year after marriage- around the time he stopped having sex with me. He said he was ashamed of his size. I was surprised because it wasn’t an issue to me. We lived together a few years before marriage. He always stood up. We went to a big concert. After it, we went to restroom. The women’s line was too long & none at the men’s. I went into the men’s to run into a stall. My x-h was using the urinal in the open. The stalls were almost empty. I asked him why he was standing. The stalls were full when he walked in. I think he was lying. I had stood in the women’s line for a few minutes only.

He stared & chatted with attractive young women when we shopped.  He stopped wanting sex with me when I was 30. Believe he did this to erode my self-esteem and cover up his gay orientation.

He insisted on going with me to LA for work. He’d go to Hollywood on his own while I was working - Hollywood Blvd. It didn’t register with me at the time about why he might be going there. We lived in a liberal, gay-friendly city.

I feared being fired for bringing him along after a few trips. Someone had been fired for skipping business conferences while traveling. I valued my career. He wasn’t working, so we needed my salary. We had a heated argument when I told him he couldn’t go with me.   

Do one or both of his parents (or a valued family member or friend) practice the same religion? He may be afraid of losing their love/approval or inheritance?  My ex-h feared losing approval from his conservative mom.

Take care & hope all goes well for you.

Last edited by MJM017 (April 18, 2021 1:25 pm)

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

April 19, 2021 5:10 pm  #6

Re: I don’t know what to think. Please help

I’ve seen some very good advice posted here already. If I were to talk to myself of 10 years ago this is what I’d say “Do not discount your instincts. Do not discount your own needs and wants. You have zero need to shrink yourself for someone else because of fear of not being ‘nice’ enough. Your feelings matter and if something is happening that you are not into you really do have the right to say no. It does not make you a bad person or an intolerant person to say no thank you to things you don’t want personally in a relationship. Ending a relationship that isn’t working is ok. It doesn’t really matter what it ‘looks like’ to other people, people aren’t spending that much time caring if you stay in your relationship. You do not have to stay in uncomfortable situations just to save face. A situation does not have to meet some high level to earn getting to leave it. ‘It’s not *that* bad’ can escalate quickly, listen to yourself and trust in yourself. You matter and you will matter to someone that really does care about you. Yes carefully think about things but don’t just talk yourself out of your gut feeling because you are scared someone will be upset to not get what they want.”


April 19, 2021 7:27 pm  #7

Re: I don’t know what to think. Please help

Zenobia wrote:

. Do not discount your own needs and wants. You have zero need to shrink yourself for someone else because of fear of not being ‘nice’ enough. ...  Ending a relationship that isn’t working is ok. It doesn’t really matter what it ‘looks like’ to other people, people aren’t spending that much time caring if you stay in your relationship. You do not have to stay in uncomfortable situations just to save face. A situation does not have to meet some high level to earn getting to leave it.

Well put, Zenobia.  I wish someone had given ME this advice ten years ago.


April 28, 2021 7:33 am  #8

Re: I don’t know what to think. Please help

Thank you, MJM017, long away home, Zenobia & Victo.
It’s taken me a some time to respond because I can’t believe I’m in this situation & having a difficult time processing. I blame myself for not listening to my gut more when we were dating. He’s a really good person. So I’m fortunate to be where I am; the situation could be much worse. But still, I’m in turmoil over this major issue. I don’t know if he’s suppressing a part of him or his desires that will eventually rear it’s head. We are in our 30s. And how long can he suppress things?

Then there’s a part of me that says, maybe it’s all in my head or I’m blowing this out of proportion.  Maybe it’s not that big of a deal.. Then I go back to ...maybe it is big. To what extent he’s suppressing things?  Maybe it’s a mere curiosity- maybe it’s more.  It’s this constant back and forth

The things I’m seeing him do now wouldn’t raise as strong of a red flag if he weren’t bisexual in highschool. Do you think his past exploration means anything? Do you think his past experiences impact the current situation at all? He’s never termed himself bisexual. Even in highschool when he would kiss boys, he said it was a phase he was curious about but that’s it. To the straight husbands on this site, were you ever curious about boys in highschool? Is that typical for straight men?

Over and over again in these posts, I see the advice of trust your gut. My gut says if he watched gay porn (whether or not he masterbated to it) if he watched it after high school, then I believe he is still curious about men. Is that a fair assumption?

I don’t know what I’d do without this forum. I am so thankful God has led me here. MJM017, you asked if his parents were religious. Yes, they are. Very! But I don’t think they would be angry if he were gay/bisexual. I think they would be accepting. His uncle is gay and married to a  man. Both his parents are extremely accepting of his uncle. So while they are religious and feel homosexuality is a test of selfishness, I think they would be accepting. But can’t say for sure. Maybe they would think differently if it were their son?

Last edited by Treelovingvegan (April 28, 2021 8:58 am)

     Thread Starter

April 28, 2021 10:57 am  #9

Re: I don’t know what to think. Please help

Hi Treelovingvegan, 
Umm, I'm not sure if my experiences have any co-relation to yours, but here goes: 

My husband casually told me, a year before we got married, that he had sex with a man "a couple of times" when he was in his 20s.  He said he was lonely and curious but it wasn't for him.  I was so upset.  I couldn't get over it and I broke up with him.  He insisted it was a one-time thing, he was not gay, he was not bi-sexual, he had no feelings for men.  We eventually got back together (he would not leave me alone) and we ended up getting married.  

Fast forward 10 years, and all of sudden he started wearing women's clothing, frequenting drag queen shows, hanging around with a new group of self-described queer friends, and going to gay vacation destinations (alone).  We went to counseling; the therapist was a kook who said all of this was normal as long as I was okay with it.  We ended up splitting up.  Right before he moved out, he confessed that he had sexual experiences with men in his 20s and his 30s, and that he was sexually attracted to "some men".  Note, we are both in our 60s. 

I wish I had listened to my gut when I broke up with him before our marriage.  It would have saved a lot of heartache.  

Someone gave me excellent advice at the beginning of all this awfulness.  Be wary, watch what he does, write things down.  

By the way, for what it's worth, my ex-husband sat down to urinate also.  The whole time we were together.  I don't know if that's a gay thing but I thought it was strange.   Another red flag that others in this situation have pointed out to me - how does he kiss you?  My ex kissed like he was kissing his sister.  No passion at all.  He was the worst kisser ever.  

Your husband may be as straight as an arrow.  Or maybe not.  Trust your feelings and stay aware.  Good luck.  I hope everything works out for you.  


April 28, 2021 6:03 pm  #10

Re: I don’t know what to think. Please help

Treelovingvegan wrote:

...................We are in our 30s. And how long can he suppress things?..............


My partner was 19 when I met him. We're in our 37th year together. He admitted to bisexuality (I made it way too easy because I was in love (blah)...) and when our last child had left home he ramped it up, gaslighting me badly....finally putting it all out on the table 4 years ago. We're still together because I prefer the easy sexless (at my insistence) life we live rather than move too quickly and regret not doing it differently. 

Your husband will suppress it until he can suppress it no longer. If he's a good man he'll let in bubble away til your last child has left home, but you may, like me, then be trapped between the safety of the love you have for him and find it harder to detach. 

If you have no children.....don't have any until you sort out whether you can one day tell your child their father is not the man the child thinks he is. That he did in fact misrepresent himself because of a fucked up world


Apologies if I came across too harshly

KIA KAHA                       

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