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October 12, 2016 8:31 am  #1


I NEED MAJOR HELP

Hello - I will try to be brief....I work for my parents in a small family business, my mom and dad have been married for 35 years.  Yesterday, my mom requested that I print some things off of my dad's computer.   While printing, i toggled the screen to get back to an original screen.  The internet browser that was not closed from before popped up, with the most hardcore guy on guy porn.  Initially I freaked out, when i went to the internet drop down, there were several sites, all with men only.  He had worked late the night before and was the only one at the office when i left.  
Yesterday, when I went to see if this stuff was still there, he had deleted the individual sites, and left all others. 

I was NEVER snooping, I was only trying to print stuff for my mom.  HE left the browser open from the night before.  I guess I am seeking advice on what to do.  Should I tell my brother? Should I forget about it?  I am just trying to work myself through this I guess.

 

October 12, 2016 9:28 am  #2


Re: I NEED MAJOR HELP

Hi Bridgette,

That must have been really difficult to see.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I'm sure you're feeling very torn about potentially dropping the bomb that could metaphorically explode your family - especially when that family has to work together every day in business.

I don't have any practical advice for you, because I've got no experience in that realm.  I am the ex wife of a formerly in-denial gay man.  I've seen a few people here over time in your shoes, but not very often, and not in a while.  That being said, you're more than welcome here.  You will find support and compassion.

I guess I'd start out by trying to examine if you feel you could even possibly NOT tell your mother and brother.  Do you think you're even capable of that?  If not, then take that off the table altogether.  Then examine who you'd feel comfortable telling next.  You could inform your mom of what you found, but then your brother would likely immediately find out, and it could be chaos. If you told your brother first, the two of you could digest that and comfort each other until you figure out how to proceed.  The issue with this route is that the two of you may come to two different decisions on how you'd like to handle the situation, and that would be very stressful.  I don't think confronting your father first is the best route, simply because he WILL make excuses for how the porn wasn't his (eg.: "A coworker was looking at my computer last night"), or he'll at the very most act sheepish and say that it doesn't mean anything, and then just hide it better.  It'd still leave you with the truth that something's wrong, but now with no practical way to gauge any future behavior.  Telling your mother - whether you tell your brother first or not - will likely produce a strong response one way or the other from her.  She may just deny what you've seen (maybe because she already knows, or maybe because she believes that he'd never do such a thing), which will make you feel like she doesn't believe you.  Or she might confront him, in which case he'll just tell her the same things I mentioned before - lies about how the porn got there, and then go into lock-down mode.  Your father isn't likely to be easily caught as clearly he IS clearing his browser history of any evidence.  Now, MAYBE you/your mom could install software on the computer to track what your dad is doing.  I'm not sure if that's possible in your scenario or not.  I might suggest hiring a private detective to see what else he's up to.  You could either do that before you go to your mom, or after - with her.

There are a lot of choices here, and a lot of potential outcomes.  Your mom does deserve to know if her husband is cheating on her, though.  It's her right to know that - especially if they still have marital relations - in which case her physical being is in danger of disease.  I don't envy you your position.  I'm sorry you're going through this.

Kel
 


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

October 12, 2016 9:51 am  #3


Re: I NEED MAJOR HELP

Kel, 

Thank you for your advice.  I don't know if I am extremely saddened, mad, or somewhere in between.  Everything you said about approaching my dad, you are dead on about how his response would be.  He would come back with it being my fault I feel sure.  I do feel like if I called my brother and told him, he would immediately call my mom, because they are super close. I feel like a private investigator may very well be the only way, but in turn I feel so horrible even thinking about doing something like that to my dad.  At the same time, I feel like my mom deserves to know if in fact he is actually acting on this and he deserves to be happy as well.  I called my husband when i saw all of this, and my husband told me to call my brother immediately, however my husband is kind of a knee-jerk reactor.  According to the shortcuts on my dad's computer, he has been doing this for over 2 years now.  I am just so unbelievably speechless, but you have made me at least feel better about the predicament, and not a bad person for questioning all of this.

     Thread Starter
 

October 12, 2016 10:03 am  #4


Re: I NEED MAJOR HELP

Bridgette, 

You are definitely not at fault.  Do not feel guilty.  

Do think carefully and take your time before you make a decision as the way you approach this could have long lasting consequences or benefits. 

Keep in mind that it's possible your mother already knows that your father is gay or bi.  You'd be surprised what a parent can keep secret to protect her or his family.  

Just because he looks at gay porn doesn't necessarily mean that he is cheating.  This is of course very possible and some would say likely.. but it's not always the case.  This may be the way he choses to deal with his secret and perhaps it prevents him from acting on the urges with other people. 

I don't know how I would deal with this because I don't know your parents or what kind of relationship you have with each of them or how they are together.   So I'm sorry that I can't really give you advice.  I would just say that Kel is usually spot on with her guesses on behavior, and I would caution you to take your time in deciding how to proceed or not proceed with your investigation.  

Good luck to you.  Keep asking questions here..  lots of people with very good insight from very tragic personal experiences that can offer you help and advice. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

October 12, 2016 10:29 am  #5


Re: I NEED MAJOR HELP

Bridgette,

You are DEFINITELY not a bad person for questioning all of this.  First off, I think it's entirely reasonable for a child (even if an adult) to feel like their mother was somewhat betrayed a bit even if they found straight porn.  I know that I viewed my dad as looking at women walking down the street as being disrespectful to my mom - especially in front of us kids.  But looking at porn could be seen as normal in today's world; something that might not be hurting their relationship in any way if they enjoy a totally healthy marriage in every other way.  Heck, it's possible that she may even know about it and be fine with it (doubtful, but there's that possibility).  But gay porn is an entirely different matter, in my opinion.  It means that your father has same-sex attraction.  Now, to play devil's advocate, maybe your father is bi.  Maybe he is enticed by both the male and female bodies.  And it's possible that he's faithful to your mother and that he's not doing anything beyond looking at gay porn.  Heck, it's even possible that your mom knows this, and they've come to some sort of agreement on what he's permitted to do, and what he's not.  In which case you just uncovered your parents' secret, not your father's.

Then there's the other whole ball of wax.  There is a lot of evidence suggesting that porn is progressive - that over time, the pleasure center in the brain becomes desensitized, and it takes more hard-core images to get a response.  You've seen evidence that your dad has been looking at this stuff for a few years now, and you also said it's pretty hard-core.  So that all lines up.  The issue is that when a habit like this is fed, sometimes images aren't enough after a while - and people start to dabble in the real thing.  Maybe it's just chatting about it at first - with other gay men.  Testing the waters, so to speak.  Then it may be meeting up.  Then it may be actual physical intimacy.  This is your mother's marriage, and she has every right to know what's going on within it.  That being said, you are in a unique position - where if you knew for a fact that all this was is some porn viewing, you might be more inclined to let this slide.  Because of the unique family work situation, it might be less damaging for all involved to just keep that under the carpet.  However..... there is a very real possibility that porn is not all that's going on here.  In which case not telling your mother is putting her health in danger.  And it's certainly not giving her the information she needs to make an educated decision about her own marriage.

I do understand you feeling like you're "doing this to your dad". No matter what's going on, you still love him.  You aren't trying to blow up his world or get him in trouble.  You don't want everyone to have all their relationships damaged over this - that isn't your intention.  But if he is doing things to put his marriage and your mother's health in danger, then that rests squarely on his shoulders.  Maybe he's bi, or gay.  That would be really difficult for you to digest, but if that were the actual case, it's not like he could help his sexual orientation.  That's not the issue here, though - it's keeping that secret from his wife that's the big deal.  If he can't continue on in the marriage in a healthy way, then your mom deserves to be told that.  That's what he should have done.  He does owe that to her.

I do need to tell you that although finding out a parent is gay is a huge shock to their children, it doesn't mean that you cannot have a fantastic relationship with them despite that.  I think the initial reaction for an adult child (or even just a child beyond a very young one) is to feel that they don't know their parent at ALL - that everything they thought they knew is a lie.  And that's natural - it's one of the base things we know about our parents - what sex they are, what sexual orientation they are, how tall they are, what they do for a living, etc.  It's a huge piece of the pie, even if we don't often consciously think about our parents' sexuality much at all.  My own kids felt shocked  when they found out that their dad is gay.  But I was adamant that their dad's sexuality didn't have to affect THEIR relationship with their father whatsoever. He's still the same guy - he looks the same, he has the same name, he's still their father, and he loves them as much as he always has.  It was me - as the spouse - who couldn't go on in the relationship with this newly-revealed information.  And that's because two people having matching sexuality is paramount to them having the intimate life that is unique to marriage.  Now, if you find out that your dad is cheating on your mom, then that can affect your relationship - because he's hurting someone you love and have a lot of devotion to.  My situation didn't involve that (that I know of).  So my kids didn't have to feel like Dad had hurt Mom.  It's much easier that way.

I can tell this won't be easy for you.  But I'm confident that you'll come to the right decision.  There is no rush here - you don't have to figure this all out in one day.  You are not a bad person for wanting to know more about what's going on here - the victim would be your mother, after all.  You're perfectly well within your rights to want to understand if he's hurting her.  Just know that even if you found out beyond the shadow of a doubt that your dad is doing some hurtful things to her, your mom still may not react the way you'd expect or want her to.  I remember telling a roommate years ago that her boyfriend was cheating on her (he'd told me outright), and somehow, they both wound up mad at ME for it.  It was a kill the messenger scenario.  All these things must be considered before you make your decision.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

October 12, 2016 10:34 am  #6


Re: I NEED MAJOR HELP

Thank you for your help.  My parents have many friends that are gay, but my mom does always say one thing about a particular couple, " I don't know how someone could get married, have children, raise children, and come out when they are 30" This is what makes me think she is clueless.  I know the porn does not mean he is gay/bi.  He told me a couple of years ago that he was at the gym, and another gym member refused to shower in the same rest room with my dad because he felt like my dad was looking at his d**k - in his words not mine.  I remember thinking how weird that story was, he has jokingly told an employee (male) to sit in his lap before, and laughed.  

Of course I am remembering these things now, but it has been over the course of a few years. I don't think I could live with being the person who tore our family apart, seeing that we all work together, spend weekends together, etc.  

 

     Thread Starter
 

October 12, 2016 10:35 am  #7


Re: I NEED MAJOR HELP

I MEANT - "come out 30 years later" 

     Thread Starter
 

October 12, 2016 10:52 am  #8


Re: I NEED MAJOR HELP

Kel, 

I was responding to lostdad when your next response came through.  I really think that he made big efforts to delete the specific websites he visited, not just his entire history.  He also deletes everything in his phone everyday, but I only know that from helping him with his phone issues.  I keep going back to...if this were me, in my mom's shoes, I would want my children to tell me, But reading what you said about the possibility of them both being mad at me, is a concern of mine also.  My dad leaves our office early every day, even my mom has said - "man, maybe he is smoking again, or maybe he has a girlfriend - jokingly" I think I am most bothered by how hardcore these websites were.  I have these images burned in my brain, and the image of my dad watching it and LIKING it.
With 2 small children around - that always play on their ipads and computers, I feel like I cannot even let them do that anymore.  I honestly don't want to be around my dad right now, and not because of the possibility of him being gay/bi - but because I do feel like he is betraying my mom, at least in the sense that he has some personality traits that she does not even know about.  I know I sound like a prude on this, it all changes when it is your dad.  

     Thread Starter
 

October 12, 2016 10:54 am  #9


Re: I NEED MAJOR HELP

Bridgette,

IF your dad is cheating, it would be HIM who tore the family apart, not you.  Please know that.

Most of us here share your mom's sentiments about how she can't understand how they come out 30 years later.  But it turns out that it's like holding a beach ball under water - it might not be hard to do initially, but it becomes more and more difficult the longer you do it - as the arms get more tired and resolve wanes.  Seems a lot of people do it after they've had a lot of time under their belt.  It flies in the face of reason, but we here see it happen all.the.time.

And yes, I would agree that your mother saying that means that she is likely in the dark over your father's same sex attraction.

Kel
 

Last edited by Kel (October 12, 2016 10:54 am)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

October 12, 2016 4:10 pm  #10


Re: I NEED MAJOR HELP

Billie, 

Thank you for your message.  You, Kel and lostdad have given me so many things to consider in this.  I don't know that I am at a point where I can calmly go in his office and ask, everytime I think about it I start crying, out of anger.  My husband asks me how my day is and it goes back to this "event" from yesterday, I start screaming and yelling.

I do think, in time, maybe after a few days, that I could have the courage to go in his office and request he handle it or I will, because that is usually how I deal with things.  Yesterday, I thought of saying it to him, in a much more abrasive tone.  

The ball is my mom's happiness, I am just at such a loss, they have been married for so long, own businesses together, everything they do is with eachother, I think my biggest fear is like what Kel said - that I am going to execute - in whatever way - and my mom either won't believe me, or they will both be irate with me.  

 

     Thread Starter
 

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