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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


Happy New Year, Friends!

Our year-end fundraising campaign is officially complete and with your generous help we raised $13,813 to serve straight spouses in need. From all of us at SSN, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.

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April 8, 2021 10:20 am  #31


Re: Feeling of Sexual Violation

"It is my personal belief that a life lived in the closet warps a person, and one of the ways it does that is that it requires certain mental attitudes to manage the cognitive dissonance the closeted feel about living a lie and suppressing their sexuality.  They excuse their ethical lapse in duping another, they project their unhappiness onto their spouse, and they blame-shift.  Over time, I believe these attitudes become second nature, and their behavior reflects that habituation.  Inside the marriage, anger, resentment of the spouse they treat as a stand-in for the homophobic society they perceive as "keeping them" from an authentic life, blaming and blame-shifting, acting out, lashing out, disparagement of the straight spouse whether subtle or overt--all come into play.  Outside the marriage, they may double down on work or in social settings, creating both an excuse to keep them from home and an image that they hope can withstand their own feelings of shame and guilt, as well as protect them should their real sexual orientation become public.  

Your reaction after the "click" is one that I also experienced.  And only when I left (it's been three years ago this month that I moved out of our marital home and into my own place) could I achieve the distance that allows for perspective, and I could see just how much pressure I'd been under and all the subtle and not-so-subtle ways my now-ex had insinuated or made plain that I was faulty.   I also saw the degree to which I had internalized his view of me over the 40 years of our relationship and marriage, and the ways in which it had harmed me.  Leaving gave me my life and myself back.  

That lifting of pressure, that relaxation you're feeling?  It's real." OutofHisCloset

All of this is pure gold. I am not crazy or alone.

 

 

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