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April 2, 2021 5:45 pm  #1671


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

"Sadly, most straight spouses never hear "''m gay' from their closeted husbands. Tragically, some straight wives spend decades trying to coax the truth out emotionally damaged husbands...to no avail."

This does seem to be overwhelmingly true. *Many* only discover the truth through snooping...or "digital discovery" as a fellow straight spouse put it. No one likes doing it...no one wants to have to do it...but sometimes it's necessary. 

If you decide to go that route again and have access to his phone/devices/app download history, you can do a global search for Kik, Grindr, Scruff, Jackd...Reddit is another big one. I'm sure there are many, many more...but those are the big ones. It may save you loads of time (and additional confusion). 

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

Last edited by Julian_Stone (April 2, 2021 5:47 pm)

 

April 5, 2021 2:55 pm  #1672


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you JS. In response to your post: 

1. This does seem to be overwhelmingly true [straight wives who never hear "I'm gay" from closeted husbands]. *Many* only discover the truth through snooping...or "digital discovery" as a fellow straight spouse put it. No one likes doing it...no one wants to have to do it...but sometimes it's necessary. 

Based on my exchanges here, going years without sex forces many straight wives to play detective. Understandably, the straight spouse wants to know if her husband is cheating, gay, or both. 

2. If you decide to go that route again [namely playing detective] and have access to his phone/devices/app download history, you can do a global search for Kik, Grindr, Scruff, Jackd...Reddit is another big one. I'm sure there are many, many more...but those are the big ones. It may save you loads of time (and additional confusion). 

Sadly, most straight spouses arrive here in such a state of shock that they continue to ask, "Is my husband really gay?" even in the face of overwhelming evidence. And by overwhelming evidence, I mean: the couple hasn't had sex in years, he's on gay porn, and clearly cheating with men. 

So what's my point? I'm starting to think 'the gay thing' is actually a huge distraction. Don't get me wrong, a husband's sexuality is very important - meaning that straight wives deserve husbands who desire them sexually. What I'm trying to express is this: his (homo)sexuality aside, most of the straight spouses here find themselves in sexless, abusive, and highly toxic relationships. The straight spouse already has multiple reasons to separate/divorce even before unpacking issues such as a husband's infidelity and apparent homosexuality. 

Based on my time here, most straight wives exhaust themselves trying to: coax husbands out of their closets; convert obviously gay husbands back to being bi or straight (often via therapy); and many attempt mixed orientation marriages (MOMs). Sadly, most straight spouses do all of the heavy lifting and totally sacrifice themselves to save pretty sh*tty relationships. And she does all of this in the face of a husband who becomes progressively more hostile and abusive. The final insult is when he demands an open marriage "because, you know, I have certain needs." No straight spouse is capable of treading water forever, particularly with an angry gay husband standing her shoulders. Rather reluctantly, she starts to consider separation/divorce. And what does the closeted husband do? He suddenly reveals a "sexual abuse made me gay" story in a last-ditch attempt to keep her trapped in the marriage. This works for a time but after a few months or years, she realizes he's still the same damaged, philandering, porn-addicted man who refuses to have sex with her. Sadly most gay/straight relationships follow this well-worn path.    

I guess I'm urging straight spouses to determine whether they have marriages worth saving, before falling down the rabbit hole of defining a husband's sexuality. She needs to determine if he was, or can ever be, the man she needs. I hope that makes sense my friends! Please feel free to post whether you agree or disagree with my opinions. Be well.      

Last edited by Sean (April 5, 2021 3:05 pm)

 

April 5, 2021 4:57 pm  #1673


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean, Thanks for your continued contributions to the site. You’ve been so helpful.

My late ex-h was born in Key West, FL & lived there until his family moved to San Francisco when he was 10. (His family moved to Key West a few generations before. )  I am telling you these locations because they attract large numbers of gays.  Faking straight can happen anywhere.

Is traveling often to different cities considered a plus with courting other gays? And going out to fancy restaurants?  (Pre-COVID)  I was wondering because he was crazy about this like no one else I’ve ever seen.  I like to travel, but he was excessive and out of hand in his travel requests. It caused a lot of fights.

He was tall but out of shape & balding. He looked decent, but that’s it.  I gather he had to have something to offer to potential boyfriends in town. I assume he did anonymous quickies on the road when I wasn’t around.

Also, how big of a gay icon is/was Doris Day? He mentioned her as a movie star he had a crush on very often. I was perplexed because she was older than him and was not known as a sex symbol.  I googled her after my ex died and saw she was one. 

Thanks, again!


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

April 5, 2021 11:02 pm  #1674


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for posting MJM017 ("MJ"). In reply: 

1. My late ex-h was born in Key West, FL & lived there until his family moved to San Francisco when he was 10. (His family moved to Key West a few generations before. )  I am telling you these locations because they attract large numbers of gays.  Faking straight can happen anywhere.

I agree MJ! 

2. Is traveling often to different cities considered a plus with courting other gays?

Well it was for me. Frequent travel allowed a gay-in-denial-husband (GIDH) like me to safely explore my sexuality in a consequence-free environment. Most importantly, having sex with men during frequent business trips allowed me to completely avoid the shame that I would have felt if I'd had sex and then found myself at home having dinner with the wife and kids. However, the "business trip fling" spilled over into my home life as I eventually started cheating in my own backyard so to speak.  

3. And going out to fancy restaurants?  (Pre-COVID)  I was wondering because he was crazy about this like no one else I’ve ever seen.  I like to travel, but he was excessive and out of hand in his travel requests. It caused a lot of fights.

I can't really speak to why fancy restaurants are important...lots of gay waiters perhaps. Question: would he travel alone (solo), with a friend, or with you? I myself preferred to travel alone for obvious reasons. 

4. He was tall but out of shape & balding. He looked decent, but that’s it.  I gather he had to have something to offer to potential boyfriends in town. I assume he did anonymous quickies on the road when I wasn’t around.

There isn't a lot of "selection" going on in gay cruising spots such as parks, rest stops, sex shops, or gay saunas. 

5. Also, how big of a gay icon is/was Doris Day? He mentioned her as a movie star he had a crush on very often. I was perplexed because she was older than him and was not known as a sex symbol.  I googled her after my ex died and saw she was one. 

I'm no expert on gay history, but I believe Doris Day was more of a gay icon for men who came of age in the 50s and early 60s. If I remember correctly, for years people said that she was a closeted lesbian. She is beloved by gay men of a certain age because she defended her long-time friend Rock Hudson during the worst of the AIDS epidemic. 

I hope that I've answered your questions my friend. If not, please feel free to post again. Be well!

 

April 9, 2021 3:45 am  #1675


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Good day friends. I thought about this the other day. Most straight wives who post here find themselves in broken, toxic, and often abusive marriages...before the gay thing (TGT) blows up. Sadly, once the TGT is out in the open, gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) then do everything they can to distract from the main issue: gay/straight marriages simply don't work. (Not bi/straight marriages mind you before the bi/MOM brigade jumps down my throat again.)

Let's use a housing metaphor. Imagine your house's foundation is cracked and, as such, your house is at risk of imminent collapse. So what do you do? You talk to your husband of course. "Honey, our foundation is cracked." Imagine if he reacted like this:

1. It's not cracked. (gaslight/denial)
2. It's only a little crack. (minimization)
3. It's only cracked because you do so much laundry in the basement. (blame shift)
4. Wait the roof is on fire. (distract)
5. Let's build a swimming pool! (denial/distract) 

Sadly, the wife then gets distracted by the roof fire and swimming pool...without really discussing the main issue: a cracked foundation. Let's now translate this into a straight spouse confronting her husband about cheating, gay porn, or a lack of sex. This is how most GIDHs react:  

1. I'm NOT gay. (gaslight/denial)
2. I was just curious (gay porn). It was just a blowjob (sex). It only happened once (sex). (minimization)
3. We don't have sex because you [insert lame excuse here like "you gained weight"]. (blame shift)
4. I'm the victim of sexual abuse. (distract)
5. Let's have an open marriage...so I can f*ck men while still married to you. (denial/distract) 

So what's my point? Don't get distracted. I urge straight spouses to focus on the two most important things first: you (the straight spouse) and your children (if any). Sadly, throwing yourself into fixing a beyond broken husband does little to improve your life and often distracts from the main issue: is this damaged man capable of making you happy.

What follows is a kind of "hits" list of things gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) say and how I suggest you respond. 

1. Husband: I am NOT gay!
Straight Spouse: Ok. How would you define the sexuality of a man who watches gay porn, has sex with men, and no longer has sex with women? 

2. Husband: I'm bisexual.  
Straight Spouse: I understand. So bisexual means an attraction to both women and men, correct? So when was the last time you had sex with a woman (either with me or during an affair with another woman)? 

3. Husband: I was abused!  
Straight spouse: I'm so sorry you suffered. Is the abuse why you're watching gay porn, have an anal fetish, and cheat on me with men? 

4. Husband: We need couples' counselling! 
Straight spouse: I agree. But I think you should first spend 3-6 months working through your abuse and sexual orientation issues alone. Once you've resolved your personal issues, which I think you'd agree have nothing to do with me, perhaps we can then start working on our relationship. Here is a list of qualified therapists specialized in these areas so you can book an appointment. I'll look for a couples counsellor who we can see together after you've worked through your issues. 

5. Husband: It [cheating with a man] happened once and it didn't mean anything!
Straight spouse: I believe you but I need to understand what exactly happened. Please walk me through the timeline before you met up with this guy. Let's start from the beginning... [Note: by having him walk you through the timeline of how he hooked up with this guy, you'll understand that it was far from "spontaneous." Let's take the gay hook up app Grindr for example: he had to register; create a profile; take racy photos; select photos; upload photos to the app; turn on the app; exchange messages with dozens of guys; have a long conversation with said guy; exchange photos; more texts; set a date/time; buy condoms/lube; re-confirm hook up appointment; shower/douche; bring condoms/lube; go to hook up appointment; have sex; and then shower again.]      

6. Husband: I want to try a threesome! 
Straight spouse: What a great idea! I've always wanted another woman to join us in the bedroom and you're bisexual so that's your fantasy as well. Let me think of some potential female partners. (Please record his reaction when you suggest a woman.)  

Please feel free to share bizarre things your questioning husbands have said and I'll happily post some suggested replies. Be well!

Last edited by Sean (April 9, 2021 6:01 am)

 

April 9, 2021 11:36 pm  #1676


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean, I have a question about bizarre behaviour regarding my STBX. He used to get an erection every time he bathed our son as a baby. I confronted him with this at the time and he explained to me that he got an erection because he is so proud to be a father. Our daughter was born 2 years later and I specifically noticed that he did not get an erection when bathing her. I do not have any reason to believe that he abused our son sexually at any time forward. He confessed to be gay only 7 months ago at the age of 61 years. It was a complete shock for me but ,in retrospection, I now know that I missed many red flags - we were married for 38 years and together for 42 years. Question: can an erection be caused by being proud of your baby?

 

April 10, 2021 12:39 am  #1677


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for posting oliviap. In reply: 

1. Hi Sean, I have a question about bizarre behaviour regarding my STBX. He used to get an erection every time he bathed our son as a baby.

Bizarre, troubling, and monstrous. 

2. I confronted him with this at the time and he explained to me that he got an erection because he is so proud to be a father.

I disagree. I'd discuss all of this with a qualified therapist. 

3. Our daughter was born 2 years later and I specifically noticed that he did not get an erection when bathing her. I do not have any reason to believe that he abused our son sexually at any time forward.

Again a qualified therapist might be able to explain this.  

4. He confessed to be gay only 7 months ago at the age of 61 years. It was a complete shock for me but, in retrospection, I now know that I missed many red flags - we were married for 38 years and together for 42 years.

Well I think this is another huge red flag. If I remember correctly, most pedophiles are straight, not gay, so there has never been a direct, proven link between pedophilia and homosexuality. I do recall my ex-wife indirectly telling me to "watch out" when our children were around my gay friends. She became quite religious at the end of our relationship so I reckon she was repeating the long-debunked Catholic church trope that homosexual = pedophile. I reminded her that, statistically-speaking, our kids were at greater risk being around Catholic priests than they were with my gay friends. After all, my gay friends were open about their sexuality and weren't pretending to be celibate. That apparently ended the debate.    

5. Question: can an erection be caused by being proud of your baby?

In my opinion no, but I'd suggest discussing this with a qualified therapist. Please post again if you have more questions. 

 

April 12, 2021 7:41 pm  #1678


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean,
If my husband transitions to a woman does that make him a lesbian because he still likes women? Does that make me a lesbian?

 

April 14, 2021 12:35 pm  #1679


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi there Confused. You wrote: 

Q: If my husband transitions to a woman does that make him a lesbian because he still likes women? Does that make me a lesbian?

A: Where's my 10-foot pole! I have zero experience with male-to-female trans relationships so I'll let a member who has been through this answer the first question. With regards to you being a lesbian, I think Dr. Joe Kort has a great checklist when it comes to your question, namely: 

1. As a young child, do you remember feeling an attraction towards other girls or women in general? 
2. These days, when you're at the beach do you prefer to look at women or men?
3. Do you fantasize sexually about men or women? 

If your answers are: 

1. No. 
2. Men. 
3. Men. 

Then I reckon you're a straight spouse attracted to men. Hopefully some fellow members will post as well. Take care! 

 

April 14, 2021 1:18 pm  #1680


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Confused. I can't add much to what Sean wrote. I do know that orientation and gender identity can be two separate things. I have known of M2F trans people who described themselves as "a lesbian in a man's body" before transitioning. I don't pretend to understand it, I only know and accept that it exists. Unless the idea of your husband as a woman is attractive to you, it does not make you a lesbian even if you do decide to stay together in the long run.

 

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