"Does anyone wish you could go back to being oblivious and seemingly happy, or that your significant other never came out of the closet? " - Kitty150
 
Ya know, Kitty150, yes, there are very brief, fleeting moments when I wish I could go back to being blissfully ignorant in our simple, yet content lives. I say fleeting because I know that whatever wonderful memory I recall, i know that on that night I probably laid in bed by myself and recalled the wonderful day ALL BY MYSELF.

For twenty-two years (me too Stevo) I slept alone and wondered what was wrong with me while he excused his way to sleeping in our living room; EG, need to stretch my back out on living room floor, can't sleep without the TV on, "accidentally" fell asleep out there, etc...Twenty-two years and occasional, obligatory sex. It's hard to believe it's possible; but I think I gaslit myself, by far, much more than he ever did and that is a lot. I minimized my own intuition and feelings and convinced myself that we have such a good life together overall that this little kink in our marriage is not that big of a deal. I didn't know at the time that the kink was his watching gay porn and gay hook-ups on business trips.

The majority of the time he slept in the living room; but on vacations he had no choice but to sleep in bed next to me. The clever little fellow was thinking ahead on our honeymoon. After our first night of sex on our honeymoon (he must have been relieved to have gotten that business out of the way), he started talking about seeing news stories about people putting cameras in hotel rooms and filming them having sex and posting it online. At first I didn't care; I was on my honeymoon!! ❤ He went on and on until I realized he was not going to consent and he fell asleep (too quickly for a man who needs a TV on to sleep 😉); I then went into the bathroom and cried. The problem was me...or so I used to think. During a conversation this January, he told me he knew I was in the bathroom crying and never acknowledged it.  He let the problem rest with me.  How cruel! I knew that whatever wonderful or romantic vacation we were on to never expect sex, even with him lying next to me. Someone might have planted cameras in the hotel room and might film us. He planted the seed on our honeymoon and in 22 years of marriage never had to excuse his way out of sex in a hotel room. How clever! How cruel! Ironically, he wasn't concerned about cameras in gay porn booths with glory holes. LOL

As I type this I can see the absolute absurdity of the mind-f**k that I have been living! Who treats another person this way?!? Kitty150, yes, I do have those moments; but I assure you, they're fleeting.

"Exactly."

  But, of course, it WAS true.  And once I accepted not only that it was true (and not a temporary aberration) but what it meant that it was true (that our sexualities were not compatible and deluding myself would never change that), I could say good-bye.  Not that it was easy.  It wasn't.  But it was necessary if I was going to live an emotionally healthy, honest life.  

Rob, I realize I posted quite a rant; but I am doing SO much better now. I am living between the marital home to be near my two daughters and my new home which needs a bit of work for all three of us to he able to move in just yet. The time that I spend in the marital home is so hard because I have to wade through the way my life used to look. All of the little things there that comprised my life are distorted now that I know the truths. Every second I spend at my new home, away from the reminders of my past life, is healing. I have discovered that we become new people once we go through this. Builing the best, strongest me that I can now.

My gosh, I love this forum! It has saved my sanity!

Hell no. I spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to keep a closeted lesbian happy while she was misusing me as a sperm donor, model father and devoted husband.  I couldn’t keep her happy, and I was relieved to finally know why after scratching and often banging my head.

JoDownUnder,

   I'm sorry you are struggling after your ex's death.  It's not, however, a sign that there is something wrong with you that his death has brought up in you so many conflicting feelings and emotions.  The psychological literature says It's not uncommon in situations of abuse that the abused are not able to fully process their feelings until their abuser has died (and a closeted gay man who marries a straight woman knowing he's gay and then gaslights her to protect his secret is abusing his wife).  My father sexually abused me when I was a child, and I did not feel safe enough to process my feelings (or even fully feel them) until he died (he committed suicide at age 72; I was 40 at the time).  For me to learn at age 62 that my spouse had been keeping his sexuality a secret from me felt like another such betrayal.  
   I hope processing your feelings here with those of us who understand what you're going through helps you in this difficult time.

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 14, 2021 9:30 pm)