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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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March 18, 2021 2:47 pm  #1


One trans widow's perspective, 30 years later

It’s been 30 years since my first marriage died when my husband decided he’d rather be a woman.   When I read about married men transitioning to become women, my first thought is, what a selfish decision.  Changing gender, is a choice, as opposed to sexual orientation, which is fixed and can’t be changed.  My heart goes out to all the spouses whose hearts are broken and lives thrown into chaos.  When I lost my husband to his decision to change genders, I felt as if he had killed himself. If being a woman is your husband’s “authentic self,” why does he seem, to the person who knows him best, as artificial as a purple foil Christmas tree?    I understand the overwhelming power of compulsion.  But to my mind, agreeing to marry someone automatically implies that you will retain your original style of genitalia.  There’s always a sacrifice involved when a married person changes gender; the question is, which spouse’s happiness will be sacrificed?   I’ve recovered from my first spouse’s change, and I have a good life and a good husband who plans on keeping his penis.  But transgender persons are increasingly in the media, and it’s now politically correct to fully support them in their quest to be new people.  I believe that all increased awareness can do for a straight spouse is to reduce the “ick” factor when we relate our experiences.   I also believe increased awareness encourages more people to take their compulsions to the next level.  I wish I knew of a way to increase public awareness of the human collateral damage involved, but that’s so un-PC.  

 

March 18, 2021 3:30 pm  #2


Re: One trans widow's perspective, 30 years later

It's only been six years for me since my now-ex declared to me he had decided he was "a woman in a man's body" and was planning to transition, but my experience leads me to agree 100% with what you have to say.

Selfish?  Check. 
He insisted his dysphoria and desire must define our relationship, and I must accommodate him. 

Feeling as if my husband had killed himself?  Check. 
In a deliberate effort to hurt me because I loved my husband as a male, he told me "I hate my penis and balls swinging between my legs." (He told me he'd said this deliberately to hurt me.)

Watching him transform himself into something "as artificial as a purple foil Christmas tree?  Check. 
His gestures and efforts at feminine seduction made me cringe. 

The sacrifice of my happiness so he can live his fantasy?  Check. 
He out and and out said, "To the extent you can enjoy me as a woman we have a future together." 

"Increased awareness encourages more people to take their compulsions to the next level"?  Check.  
My now-ex disclosed his belief he believed he was "a woman inside" to me the same year that Bruce Jenner came out as Caitlyn Jenner.

Unfortunately, anything we say about our experiences is taken as prima facie evidence that we are "transphobic."  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 18, 2021 3:31 pm)

 

March 22, 2021 9:37 pm  #3


Re: One trans widow's perspective, 30 years later

Thank you for sharing.  It saddens me to think this has been going on for decades.  And yes, complete and utter selfishness, especially to take away a kid's dad.  

 

March 24, 2021 2:03 pm  #4


Re: One trans widow's perspective, 30 years later

Frogtail, 
Everything you said resonates with me.  My husband of 10 years (age 60s) decided he had an alternative female personality a few years ago.  He began socializing with a new group of people, all LGBTQ, who cheered him on in his pubic revelations.  I was horrified.  Would I have married him if I'd known?  No, absolutely not.  It's not fair.  You don't get to change your race or your ethnicity or your age or many other inherent qualities.  

The comment you made about the "ick factor" was a total "oh yes" to me.  I found his female personality sexually repulsive.  

Thank you for sharing.  That you are still reflecting on your experience 30 years later is telling.  

 

April 19, 2021 2:51 pm  #5


Re: One trans widow's perspective, 30 years later

Thank you for sharing. As much as I dislike anyone has ever had to go through this I am grateful to know I’m not losing my mind. All of that rings so very true.

 

April 24, 2021 10:21 pm  #6


Re: One trans widow's perspective, 30 years later

Leslie77 wrote:

Thank you for sharing.  That you are still reflecting on your experience 30 years later is telling. 

Absolutely. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

I've been reading a book lately, 1/4 focused on the growing predominance of 'trans' and absurdities that can be produced by the movement. (The Madness of Crowds by Douglas Murray, biased like every author must be but contains a lot to consider.) This is definitely an "un-PC" topic that produces further (seemingly conscious) silencing of the straight involved while increasing the number of their experiences. While not "homo/trans/etc-phobic", my experience and readings are markedly changing my political views on this social topic in general. A good question which really should be a highlight in public discussions is "What is tolerance?"

Last edited by clintonia (April 24, 2021 10:21 pm)

 

April 25, 2021 12:43 pm  #7


Re: One trans widow's perspective, 30 years later

I find this they business disturbing.  They are not two people they are one person, it is as plain as the nose on your face.  I see one person I am convinced of that, it's only one person and for them to insist no they are two people is to put their conviction over mine.  No.  Mine is the one we can all see.

 

 

April 25, 2021 3:47 pm  #8


Re: One trans widow's perspective, 30 years later

lily wrote:

I find this they business disturbing. ............ 

 

Ditto Lily. Maybe insisting on the pronoun "they" gives "them" an escape route if "they" decide "they" wish 
to retract and go back to being "him" or "her"
To me it shows indecision and let's be real...the straightspouse sometimes has a bit of that too

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

April 25, 2021 10:54 pm  #9


Re: One trans widow's perspective, 30 years later

‘They/them’ always makes me think of mental illness.

I thought the whole purpose of the so-called ‘trans agenda’ was to destigmatize the trans experience so trans people wouldn’t develop mental illness.

 

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