Straight Spouse Network Open Forum
This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else. Learn more >>>

DONATE TODAY >>>

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

DONATE TODAY >>>





Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


Happy New Year, Friends!

Our year-end fundraising campaign is officially complete and with your generous help we raised $13,813 to serve straight spouses in need. From all of us at SSN, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.

BE A DONOR >>>

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



March 15, 2021 3:23 pm  #21


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

I would like to add my voice to the request to pin Longway's post The Secret Sexual Basement by Dr Omar Minwalla. 

I remember the relief I felt on reading his work when it was first linked here even though I was years past the trauma of initial discovery - his professionally structured validation of what I had experienced was so helpful to read and I think it would be good to have it easily accessible for all the new people who come.

thanks, Lily.

 

March 15, 2021 5:35 pm  #22


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

I too think Dr Minwalla’s article should be pinned, I just want to be clear, I learned about Dr Minwalla’s work from this very forum. I found the reference from a previous poster.

Lynne, I think you might have been the original poster, back in 2016/17. All I know is when I landed on this information my shattered world fell into focus and things started to make sense for the first time in many years. It literally situated me on my own two feet. It was an amazing and empowering feeling, but also very shocking to admit, all at the same time.

When I reposted with my own analysis of the situation, I remember your comments Lily, yes so very validating for all of us. It’s funny how validating your feelings is so critical to us, it shouldn’t be that important, but it is. I myself think this speaks to the caliber of people’s values in this forum.

Lynne, In one of my post, you reached out, I didn’t even know you as a poster (thank you), I can’t remember exactly what you said,  but I do remember my response, which was ‘I got this’. In retrospect, no, the right answer should have been, yes I understand what has been going on now, but no, I don’t know what to do about it. I wasn’t even there, I was still processing, or rather trying to process. I now wish I had asked that question much earlier.

It’s also important to understand the multi prong approach to Dr Minwalla’s work, it really is focused on the two people in the relationship. It’s just in our case, I believe the deceipt takes it to another level, even the good doctor has not envisioned. His main point is the harm it causes, significant, sometimes long term harm to the partner, and it’s not even part of the diagnosis. He wants both partners treated to the same degree. I salut him.

My husband is now in the stage that Dr Minwalla describes, he cannot intergrate all that he has done against his own family and he is struggling.

So, yes I believe in Dr Minwalla’s work, it’s why I keep posting it.

OutofHisCloset, it’s post like yours that brought me out of the darkness I was living in. It’s why I asked if your posts, to some degree would remain. I don’t know that I would be here had I not read your own personal struggle in letting your long term marriage go. I was in a pretty dark place at the time, I’ve been with this man since I was 15 years old, I found out I was 58 years old, no bedroom issue clues to help. I literally thought I was a lost cause. I kept reading your posts. I know it was super hurtful for you, but reading what you had to say, helped me put things into their rightful place in my world. Seeing you able to move past this insurmountable pain, you showed me the way forth. You were able to put words to the emotions I was feeling...but could not name. I understand why now, didn’t thenall that helped me prepare for what I had to face if I was going to come out of this and resemble who I was entering this relations. Thank you.

So yes, we look forward to the changes that are forthcoming to SSN. We want help, but we also want more information so we can really help people who arrive on SSN feeling so devastated by their discovery/disclosure, regardless of the path they choose, it’s all part of our journey, we just don’t know where we are going to land when we first arrive at SSN.

Thank you SSN for being here.

Edited to add: in all of my postings, I’ve never felt comfortable describing my husband in other ways, he’s still my husband through all of this, and I’ve always describes him that way. Wish he would pay me the same type of respect in similar ways. It is what is is.

Last edited by longwayhome (March 15, 2021 6:51 pm)

 

March 15, 2021 8:04 pm  #23


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

oh yes, validation is critical - it is always good but particularly when you have been living with someone denying the truth of your thoughts and feelings.

 





 

 

March 15, 2021 9:48 pm  #24


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Yes Lily, they just so slowly erode who you are that you actually feel like you need someone else to show you your worth, to validate your own feelings. I will forever be grateful to you too, you were the very first person who reached out to me and validated my feelings. Thank you.

 

March 16, 2021 11:03 am  #25


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

longwayhome,
  I so appreciate your kind words.  So many people were helpful to me; I think knowing that when we tell our stories we help others is the reason I'm still on the forum.  
 

 

March 16, 2021 6:41 pm  #26


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

yes, I think it's like that biblical thing - deny it thrice - I think that's a sort of benchmark.  Like they've done studies that show that most people can remember 6 things at a time - so jam selections tend to come in packs of 6.  I think it's the same with denial - are you gay, no. oh.  really don't you think you might be gay - no not at all, now comes a wavering but I thought you might be a little bit gay and the third denial makes you doubt yourself.  and this is only natural because we do look to each other for corroboration.  Different of course when someone is spinning a yarn, then it's probably more like three bites and you got em hooked.

 

 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum