Thank you for writing DonnaL. Before I comment on some of your excellent points, I have a suggestion for you and your fellow straight spouses. I want you to write a 'help wanted' ad for your ideal husband. Such as: 

"HELP WANTED: Loving husband wanted for ___ year-old woman in NYC. Ideal candidates should be: heterosexual; romantic; and have a strong libido. No cheaters, drinkers, drug addicts, bisexuals, and "open marriage" defenders need apply. Should be interested in romance, weekend getaways, and treating his wife (me) like a goddess. We will give interviews to potential husbands with a history of honesty, monogamy, and a strong (heterosexual) sex drive..." 

I think you get the idea. I reckon most of the "best friend" and "soulmate" husbands I read about here wouldn't even be considered for the husband position I've written about above. And once hired, most gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) would likely be fired after just a few weeks or months for what is the relationship equivalent of "gross negligence" or "gross misconduct." Now on to your post. 

1. Hi Séan, I'm quite relieved to have stumbled upon this site, and this discussion forum. Over the weekend I will no doubt go back to page 1 of this thread and read the whole thing. I am 53 and after my husband's last shenanigans, in which he tried to pick up one of my co-workers online (before he realized who she was), I had the moment of clarity that I needed, and told him that our marriage was officially over. However, we agreed that we would maintain our family home until our son (at that point, entering Grade 12) was successfully through high school and settled at his first-choice university. Covid hit, and one kid left but the other came back, so we held off selling the family home, but it's now on track to sell in the spring.

Wow. What a pr*ck. 

2. My ex-husband is short, not well-equipped, and a terrible kisser. But when you're young and in love, you overlook stuff. It was good enough, especially when we were really in the throes of passion. He is also a man's man - blue-collar worker, can fix anything, loud, gregarious, etc.

Gay/bisexual men come in all shapes, sizes, and degrees of masculinity. 

3. The first sign of trouble - for me - was when I was on my first maternity leave. I discovered receipts for visits to a "club" and when confronted he said that he was not getting any action at home, so he went there for a hand job. Super apologetic. I was a busy new mum, I soon put it in the back of my mind. Kid #2 came along, my dad died unexpectedly when I was 6 months pregnant, and my husband's personality changed. He became negative, mouthy, intolerant, borderline racist, and just generally not a nice person. I was so turned off by his personality, and so busy with the kids, that it was pretty easy for me not to have sex with him - he was never that good at it anyway. He only performed oral sex on me if I was freshly out of the shower, and he preferred for me to be shaved. The actual act of intercourse was a few minutes, and I never achieved orgasm. Eventually I thought there was something wrong with me - I must smell, I must be gross down there, I've gained weight, he must find me unattractive, etc.

I'm sorry that he made you feel unattractive. Again, he sounds like a complete *sshole.  

4. The years that followed were unbearable - while I tried to be a mother and father (he worked shift work) and raise two happy kids, and deal with his miserable personality, and his ridiculous rules that changed on a whim, and his nasty attitudes towards just about everything - he finally agreed to see a psychiatrist and started on a cocktail of medication for anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, ADD, ADHD - I can't even remember it all now. Eight years ago, a random woman contacted me on FB and told me that she had been having an affair with my husband. I confronted him and he admitted that it had been going on for six months. We went to counselling, and we stayed together. Still no sex in our marriage. But we had just bought our dream home, I was not happy, but content, and thought that although the marriage wasn't perfect, it was probably in fact better than some unions.

Clearly he should be fired from his husband position for "gross incompetence." At this point, he doesn't even appear to be showing up for the "husband position" advertised at the top of this post. I disagree that a sexless, emotionally abusive relationship with a serial cheater and liar is "in fact better than some unions" but we've all been through a bargaining/denial stage. I think you should run away from this man like your hair's on fire. 

5. Three years ago, I noticed he was spending a lot of time on his phone. He was increasingly irritable. I knew something was up, in my gut. I managed to see him punch his code into his phone and wasted no time picking it up when he left it unattended. I was shocked to see inappropriate FB messages to females at his workplace. But really shocked and dismayed to see text messages to men, sharing dick picks and arranging for "car fun". 

Wow. Straight wives all eventually move into "detective" mode. 

6. I confronted him again, and he had a complete emotional breakdown - he swore that it was just exciting and he would never, ever follow through, he never had any intentions of it being more than erotic conversations, etc.

Minimization ('it happened just once') and crocodile tears are common with cheating husbands. 

7. I offered him friendship, support, help while he tried to figure out if he was maybe gay. He pushed me away and told me to stop thinking that way. He was absolutely NOT GAY. We talked about him maybe being a sex addict. He agreed that that might be true. He went to see a counsellor for a few sessions. Nothing ever came of that, except that she thought he was on too many mind-altering medications and they worked together to get him from six to three. 

Questions: 1. Did you set up all of his counselling appointments? I bet you did and....2. Then did you nag him to go? 

8. After the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back - when he tried to pick up my work friend - and we officially called it quits - I knew that he was back online trying to date. I was online too. Nothing more fun that finding your ex-husband's profile on Tinder, Match.com, Plenty of Fish, Facebook Dating!  I teased him, and told him I would help him write a better profile, take some better pics, etc. because I was determined that we would part amicably - we owed our children that at least.

I'd read up on co-dependency my friend. While you've painted all of this in a humorous light, I don't think it's healthy to be helping your husband - because you are still married - try to find your replacement. The only thing he deserves at this point is a giant boot in the *ss as he walks out of your life...forever. And please don't underestimate how damaging toxic marriages are on kids...no matter what their ages are. By staying in this sexless, co-dependent, and highly dysfunctional marriage, you are normalizing your husband's neglect and emotional abuse for your children. Sometimes separation/divorce help our children understand what is and isn't acceptable behaviour in a relationship.  

9. Just before Christmas, I was contacted by a random woman on Facebook, and she messaged me a very cryptic message. I replied back, she replied with an equally cryptic message and then she blocked me because none of my subsequent messages went through to her. I confronted my husband again, and he admitted to texting her, and that she was "unhinged" and a "complete nut job" and that he didn't see the red flags until it was too late. I told him he needed to be more careful about who he was bringing into his life, because it would have been pretty disturbing if she had also sent a similar message to our daughter, who is also on Facebook.

Isn't that strike 7 on the cheating/texting front because I'm losing count? Why are you still living with this man?

10. Last week, I was messaging another friend and I saw her message - I wondered if I was still blocked so I sent her a message and she replied! What ensued was a very interesting and somewhat therapeutic electronic conversation. She eventually revealed that he had met her in person, and yes, they had sex. She said that he made plans to see her again, but stood her up. She said, "I think he was just happy receiving regular blow jobs from his married friend, who lives near you." So - you guessed it - I confronted him again.

This seems to fit a pattern I described in some recent posts: most relationships with serial cheaters (whether gay or straight) go through the pattern of: 

Suspicion (of cheating)
Investigation
Conflict 
Minimization/Honeymoon ("It happened just once...I love YOU!")
Repeat

about 5-7 times before she accepts he's never going to change. So clearly your lying, depressed, serial cheater of a husband isn't going to change. The question is: what are you going to do now? 

11. He was seeing a new girl and they were planning their third date and he seemed quite cheerful and happy. So I said, "I know you don't want any dating advice but you're probably thinking about being intimate with this new girl, if you haven't already. I would just advise you to be truthful with her about your sexuality." He replied, "okay." And then I said, "because if it were me, I would absolutely want to know if my new love interest was having regular oral sex with another man." He replied, "okay." And then I said, "it has been brought to my attention that you're seeing a married man in our community. This is a small place, and people know people. I feel like you've been really careless and I'm afraid our children will find out. How do you think they will feel if they find out? Have you thought about that?" And he continued to reply with one word answers, totally avoiding eye contact.

So let me get this straight: your husband is dating while still living with you; you appear to be giving dating advice to your husband; and now recommend that he should not be cheating on his girlfriend with another man. This situation is so f*cked up it's making my teeth hurt. Am I reading this correctly? If I am correct, I recommend you get out of this toxic situation and away from this toxic man as soon as possible. 

12. That was a few days ago. He acts like that conversation never happened. Meanwhile I'm a complete disaster emotionally. I have so many questions that only he can answer and chances are he never will. I'm angry because he has always been so intolerant of gay people and I think he's a hypocrite. I'm angry because I feel like he's never been honest with me, for maybe out entire marriage.

And he's proven time and time again that he's incapable of both monogamy and honesty. So why haven't you fired him from his husband position? 

13. I'm angry because I always wondered if I pushed him towards these affairs because I didn't want to have sex with such a miserable beast of a man. And maybe it wasn't my fault. completely. I'm angry because when I'm with another man, I'm always wondering, am I good enough? Do I smell? Should I shower before? Should I shave? Does he find me attractive? And I'm angry because I feel like I was denied a normal, healthy sex life for 20+ years and now I might have so many issues I may never be capable of having a normal, healthy sex life.

Anger is good and it's a necessary part of the healing process. None of this is your fault and I'm so very sorry you feel that way. Let's review your situation here: he's the cheater; he's the liar; he's the one with the mental health issues. And now he's dating under your nose and he's cheating on these girlfriends with other men. It's time to f*re this idiot from your life and move on. 

14. I know I'm rambling, I know I'm overthinking, but it really helps to write this all down. I don't have any questions for you, but I just want to tell you how much I appreciate you listening/reading. And to everyone else, how much better I feel knowing that I'm not alone. P.S. one of the signs you wrote was increased interest in fitness - he goes to the gym every single day! I thought he was just fanatical about getting back into shape after two artificial hips!  

Please ramble away...that's what this forum is for. I'm glad that I and others have helped, although I'm so very sorry you've found yourself chained to this terrible man. Please read this forum's 'First Aid' kit. I'd also recommend you start your own thread here, get yourself a qualified therapist, start sharing all of this with a close friend or relative, and meet with an attorney to start the process of separation/divorce. Oh and stop pretending to be his best friend so enough with the dating advice. This toxic, abusive man doesn't deserve your love/frienship. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (March 5, 2021 11:55 pm)

Thank you for posting DonnaL. In reply: 

1. Thank you Séan! I'm going to print your reply and read it every single day - because I need to hear all that over and over again.

Good luck my friend. You might consider finding a qualified therapist to help you work through all of this. I also recommend writing a "help wanted" ad to describe the husband you want. Not only can you compare your current husband to what you need, but it can also be a helpful tool when you're dating post separation/divorce. Food for thought! 

2. We had a massive fight Friday night - which in and of itself is kind of a big deal - because this guy can't fight! He walks away from every single fight and has our whole marriage. I've tried to tell him that fighting is normal, and healthy, and helps you get to the other side. But he just can't do it. Plus the rare times we do fight, he brings all of this other stuff into it, until I'm so confused, I don't even know what we're fighting about anymore.

As I've shared here before, few straight spouses actually hear, "I'm gay..." from closeted husbands. Using myself as an example, I started hiding my sexuality at around age 5/6 so lying and deception often become part of a closeted husband's DNA. Unfortunately, no amount of arguing with a wife nor couples' therapy can coax them out of their closets. I think we can all agree that if a man watches gay porn and has sex with men, he's definitely "not straight" or perhaps "bisexual." While I think it's perfectly normal to spend a few weeks or months focusing on your husband's sexuality, please don't let it distract you from the true issues: your husband is a serial cheater; pathological liar; and he doesn't deserve you.  

3. But I do know what we were fighting about Friday night. I said, "you're acting like the conversation (about you being gay) never happened, and that's all I can think about. I have so many questions and I deserve the answers." But he said no I didn't, we were no longer married, just co-habitating (in separate bedrooms) until this house gets sold. And that his life was none of my business. I guess that's true. But it doesn't change the fact that I want to know the truth. I don't know why I do, I just do. And in this fight, he categorically said he wasn't gay. He said he likes women, all women, except for me. He said he didn't know who told me that he was seeing someone in our neighbourhood, but it just wasn't true. He is not gay.

It's perhaps unrealistic to expect your future ex-husband to suddenly find honesty and authenticity, particularly after years of deception and lies. I reckon the only person you can control in this situation is you, which also means you control your thinking. So while it's perfectly normal for straight spouses to focus on a husband's sexuality for a few months, I wouldn't recommend obsessing about it for more than 3-6 months before choosing to move on. As I've shared in previous posts, I think it was easier for my former wife to hear me say, "I'm gay" because there was a certain finality. Many cheating husbands go the "I'm bisexual" route, which I believe is more painful for a straight spouse because she then justifiably asks the question, "Ok so you're attracted to women. Why then aren't you sexually attracted to me?"   

4. So there you have it. I will never know the truth. I don't even know why it matters. We're selling this house, I'm getting the heck out, and I think any chance we ever had of being amicable for the sake of the kids is not possible. You're right - he is toxic, and I can't have that in my life.

Following my separation, I was so lonely and starved for attention that I attracted a lot of toxic people into my life. Rather than focus on their toxicity, I eventually realized that I had to focus on myself. So what's my point? I'd urge you to find a qualified therapist and work like hell to find closure with your soon-to-be-ex-husband. Once freed of this burden, you can then begin the process of healing the most important person: you. For me personally, learning self-worth and setting boundaries were the only ways that I could move forward.

I hope that helps DonnaL. Please keep coming back and sharing your journey. For every straight spouse posting here, I reckon there are dozens learning from you. Be well! 

Last edited by Séan (March 7, 2021 4:26 am)

Thanks for sharing EmpathyStarved. In response to your post: 

1. Hi Sean! I’ve been a long-time lurker on this thread since discovering my husband’s secret back in August of 2020 and I want to thank you for all of the time you’ve spent here, sharing your perspective. It’s been incredibly helpful for me, especially when trying to get honest answers out of my STBXH proves nearly impossible.

That's very kind of you although I'm so sorry you've found yourself here.  

2. Our story follows the typical pattern that you’ve outlined here and I’ve posted a couple times if you want to look back. Married over a decade, mostly happily, although looking back our sex life was pretty lackluster. As we both approached our 40th birthdays he started to withdraw, struggle with depression, and ultimately turned into an emotionally abusive asshole that I did not recognize at all. I found him a therapist and worked very hard to be the best wife I could be but things continued to get worse.

Funny how gay/straight marriages often follow the same script. Funnier still that I have yet to read about a closeted husband who was capable of making his own godd*mned counselling/therapist appointments. 

3. I eventually went into detective mode...

This follows a common pattern. 

4. ...fearing I’d discover another woman but instead discovered he’d been online soliciting men for sex. I confronted him and he lied, minimized, made empty promises etc. He identified as bisexual for a hot second which I took with a giant grain of salt, and finally admitted he is gay and has known since childhood. He’s tried to walk that back a few times and say he didn’t really know until now but I’m confident he knew full well he was gay when we married.

Agreed. Sometimes it's more like he didn't want to be gay as most closeted men hope that marrying a woman would somehow fix things. 

5. So I moved out in October and he stayed behind in our home. We’re planning to divorce this year. No children.

Question: how are you enjoying your new-found freedom?

6. The thing I’m struggling with now is if and when I get to tell my side of this story. When he finally admitted that he’s gay he was very fearful of coming out. I made him a promise that I wouldn’t out him before he was ready so I haven’t told a single soul except my therapist and this support group of anonymous strangers.

I understand your frustration. Many straight wives find themselves trapped in their husband's closets. On a more positive note, at least he admitted to being gay. Most straight wives never hear the truth.  

7. I also asked him to please speak to ME first before he does come out so that I can be prepared. We have a large group of mutual friends and family and I just want to be on the same page.

Agreed. 

8. He and I still talk regularly, and I asked him recently how he was feeling and whether he thought he’d be ready to come out any time soon. He threw a bit of a fit saying things like “Straight people don’t have to announce that they’re straight, why do I have to announce that I’m gay?”

I'm not sure it's healthy to remain in regular contact with your future ex-husband. Perhaps temporarily cutting off contact would help you heal from what appears to be a very toxic marriage. If you're no longer speaking at the very least you won't have to deal with his hissy fits and f*cked up logic. 

9. I’m starting to get the feeling that he plans to stay closeted forever.

He certainly seems to be on that path. 

10. That’s his choice, but I hate the idea of not being able to tell the whole story to my friends and family.

As you know, I'm not a mental health professional so I'd suggest you discuss all of this with your therapist. I find that most gay/straight marriages resemble narcissist/co-dependent relationships. The husband is completely self-involved and the wife lives only for him. Most straight wives who post here feel an overwhelming need to protect, heal, and defend husbands who have emotionally abused them for years. (And yes sexual neglect is also a form of abuse in my opinion.)   

11. This is MY life too. What do you think? Am I the asshole if I spill the beans? I have no intention of embarrassing him or outing him publicly. I just feel like I need to be able to talk about this with the ones I love.

He's essentially trapped you in his closet. I say kick the f*cking door down and share your truth. The moment you made the decision to separate/divorce, you ceased being his protector, confidante, and personal counsellor. So f*ck him and his pink merry-go-round. And I reckon everyone already knows he's gay. When I came out, 80% of the people in my life, and roughly 95% of all the women in my life, shrugged and said, "Well I always suspected..." I know we're all programmed to never out anyone but that logic applies to helpless Mormon teens who's parents will reject them. You no longer need to protect him nor keep his secrets. His life isn't going to end if you confirm what people already suspect...he's as gay as a rainbow and that's why you divorced. So share away, BUT be prepared for him to completely lose he sh*t when he finds out. If he's anything like me, he's probably more worried that your friends and family will learn what a complete *sshole he was to you in the dying days of your marriage.  Divorce means freedom from him AND his secrets. Good luck! 

I AM enjoying my new-found freedom. I'm still sad a lot of the time and still have much healing to do. But there are also wonderful things in my life that I'm grateful for. I have a career, a therapist who's been an immense help, and family who love and support me. I lived alone for the first few months post-separation but recently moved in with a single girlfriend I've known since junior high, and that's been great for my mental health. I wanted to hide/isolate, but ultimately knew that probably wasn't the best choice.
The future ex and I spent the majority of our marriage living thousands of miles away from family but moved back to our home state in 2018 and I'm so glad we did. I imagine this would've been an even harder journey if we still lived on the other side of the country.

I agree that it's not healthy to remain in contact with him and my therapist has said much the same. I think I'm playing nice and staying in contact because I'm afraid if I cut him off or I out him he'll retaliate, either in the divorce or in some other way. Our relationship absolutely fit the narcissist/co-dependent mold and we all know narcissists don't fight fair. In our final years together there were plenty of instances where I'd confront him about something he did that hurt my feelings and instead of apologizing he'd launch an attack on my character and bad mouth me to friends and family, even make up outrageous lies about me. I mentioned this fear to my roommate recently and she laughed and assured me that nobody would take him seriously, but I still worry.

I think you're spot on that he's worried about what people will think if/when they learn what a jerk he's been. I WANT to believe that he's not a terminal narcissist, that he only developed those tendencies as a coping mechanism, as a result of hiding and lying for most of his life. I want to believe that he'll eventually accept the damage he's done and apologize and make an effort to grow and really change, but maybe that's naïve of me. I don't think he's ever given me a genuine apology. It's always been "I'm sorry BUT" or "I'm sorry YOU feel that way."

So yes, despite all of the sh*t he's put he through, all of the lies and the hurt, I DO still feel that need to protect and heal him! UGH!

Thanks again for your time and your reply Sean! Writing this all out was a useful exercise and has helped me see where I should and shouldn't be spending my emotional energy.

Original Post: Author, Upside, Link: Straight Spouse Network Open Forum » The Big List of Red Flags (boardhost.com)

"Disclaimer – This list was compiled from experiences within this forum and the resources below:
[i]Am I A Lesbian? Masterdoc
Secret Sexual Basement found by Longwayhome[/i]

Is My Spouse Gay, Lesbian, Bi, or Questioning?

Only your spouse can truly answer that question.

That said, many spouses are hesitant to openly disclose their hidden desires to their partners out of shame, fear, or selfishness. The first phase of this Secret Sexual Basement is when a spouse hides these sexual activities, deceives their partner, and creates an alternate sexual life that is compartmentalized from their daily existence.

For a straight spouse, this process can be very disorienting. Your once-loving relationship now feels different, but you're unable to identify exactly what has changed. You repeatedly ask your spouse but their answers feel inauthentic. There is a looming dread that has you on edge.

As a straight spouse begins to look beyond the surface, the questioning partner may disclose partial truths about their sexuality to gauge a reaction. Or the questioning partner may choose to dig deeper, tunneling further to protect this compartmentalized sexual life, lying, gaslighting, and manipulating to make sure their world is never found.

Who Is This Guide For?

If you feel your spouse hasn't been fully truthful, then this guide is for you.

Proving your spouse is LBGT is nearly impossible. Proving that they have a pattern of deception in regards to their sexuality is very possible.

The list below is a list of external signs that you can utilize to help ground your suspicions. While they aren't certainties of an LBGT spouse, each clarifies the existence of a secret sexual basement.

Do Words Match Actions?

With each of the checklist items, it can be helpful to think: do my spouse's words match their actions?

If your partner is saying one thing but finds themselves consistently doing the items below, then they aren't being truthful with you. You can then prove that a secret sexual basement exists and then decide how best to move forward.

Sex and Intimacy
☐ Having sex with the same sex in secret.
☐ Minimizing sex with the same sex as "no big deal", "just a blowjob", or a "one-time thing".
☐ Giving ultimatums that involve them having sex with a same-sex partner.
☐ Using gay/lesbian dating apps or websites.
☐ Minimizing meeting the same sex in dating apps as "no big deal".
☐ Using dating apps or websites with a gay/lesbian profile.
☐ Minimizing sending or receiving pictures in a dating app.
☐ Minimizing messaging men/women in dating apps as "just curiosity" or "I would never do that".
☐ Taking prep medications.
☐ Hiding condoms or dental dams when you're in an exclusive relationship.
☐ Wants to open the marriage "for you" but you have never expressed any desire to do so.
☐ Visiting hookup locations, like bathhouses, often in secret.
☐ Accidentally saying the name of someone of the same sex while having sex.
☐ Sudden interest in threesomes that include the same sex, without your desire.
☐ Purchasing sexual toys, clothing, or drugs in secret.
☐ Sudden interest in new sex toys or moves which emulate gay/lesbian sex acts.
☐ Sudden interest in using condoms during the middle of a monogamous relationship without valid explanation.
☐ Learning new, surprising sexual moves after a long period.
☐ A sudden unfamiliarity with your sexual preferences. 
☐ Inability to engage in sexual acts with you because "they're not in the mood" for many months or greater.
☐ No lust or emotional attraction when intimate. Simply disgust.
☐ Panic attacks when you are about to be intimate.
☐ Making up physical ailments to avoid having sex.
☐ An inability to look in your eyes during sex.
☐ Time-limited or sexual act limited intimacy. "I will do X for 5 minutes then we're done" or "We can only do X".
☐ Drifting emotional intimacy, with sex treated like a chore.
☐ Sex is done "for you".
☐ Your partner openly communicates their dislike of sex with you.
☐ Sex only occurs under the influence of substances.
☐ Continued pressure to engage in sex acts that make you highly uncomfortable, often used in gay/lesbian sex.
☐ Sexting with the same sex in secret.
☐ Minimizing sexual conversations with the same sex as "just fun".
​☐ Shaving intimate areas in new ways, especially if attempting to hide it from you.

Pornography
☐ Visiting Gay/Lesbian Porn Sites.
☐ Collecting Gay/Lesbian Porn.
☐ Masturbating to the same sex.
☐ Hiding any of the above.
☐ Minimizing Gay/Lesbian Porn as "Everyone does it" or "It just popped up".

Secrecy
☐ Your partner will not discuss their sexual past or preferences.
☐ Past sexual acts with the same sex which were only recently disclosed.
☐ Your partner is vague in their sexuality, not willing to openly commit.
☐ Quickly leaving phone conversations when you enter a room.
☐ Hiding their screen when you enter a room or sit with each other.
☐ Having passwords on devices and not sharing.
☐ Having secret folders on their phone.
☐ Receiving many text messages, but you have no idea whom.
☐ Turning off phone tracking features so you can't locate them.
☐ Not showing up when they were expected and crafting unbelievable tales about where they were or what they did.
☐ Having gaps in their story that don't add up. Unable to address them on further pressing.
☐ Inability to explain when the spouse is caught in a lie.
☐ Having hidden email accounts with fake names.
☐ Having hidden social accounts with fake names.
☐ Receiving emails from the same gender soliciting sex and referencing an account online.
☐ Receiving emails for gay/lesbian dating apps or websites.
☐ Deleting email accounts without logical reason.
☐ Liking or following social accounts that contain gay/lesbian porn.
☐ Deleting social accounts without logical reason.
☐ When confronted with any of the above, blames you as "untrusting" or paranoid.

Attraction
☐ Your partner shares their sexual, emotional, or romantic attraction to the same sex.
☐ Your partner prefers effeminate men or masculine women. They push you towards these roles to maintain their attraction.
☐ Your partner finds it difficult to name members of the opposite sex they find attractive. They are only attracted to people on TV, in books, or in the movies. In reality, their attraction to the opposite sex dissolves.
☐ Your partner expresses gender confusion, changing from hetero to asexual to bisexual.
☐ Noticing your partner lusting after the same sex in public or private.
☐ Minimizing sexual, emotional, or romantic attraction to the same sex as "everyone has a girl crush", "I'd never act on it", or "maybe in the future".
☐ Attraction to the opposite gender sounds like a logical choice, versus a feeling.
☐ Past relationships of your spouse were based on the opposite gender's partner's attraction to them.
☐ Your relationship with your spouse was because you went after them.
☐ Uncontrollably flirting with the same sex in front of you.
☐ Referring to your relationship as a contract they are resigned to fulfill.
☐ The emotional intimacy within the relationship is a chore or burden, devoid of passion.
☐ Negotiations on how to continue your relationship "without the sex".

Friendships
☐ Having gay/lesbian close friends that appear to be more.
☐ Never being invited or considered on activities with their gay/lesbian close friends.
☐ Having friendships that say "I love you".
☐ Having friendships that involve secrets or privacy.
☐ Having friendships that are described in romantic terms.
☐ Prioritizing secret friendships over your relationship.
☐ Having friendships that involve sexual innuendo or flirting.
☐ Having friendships where more is disclosed to the friend than to their partner about large areas of their life.
☐ Having friendships that give romantic gifts, especially in secret.
☐ Having friendships that have hidden get-togethers.
☐ Having friendships that contain large gaps in time without the ability to explain. Explanations seem bombastic.
☐ Minimizing friendships with sexual innuendo as "everyone does it" or "we would never act on it".
☐ Your spouse has a hard time enforcing boundaries and the line between friendships and crushes is murky.


How Did Your Spouse Do?

The more of the red flags above that are seen in your relationship, the greater cause for concern. 

When your spouse's words do not match their actions you can prove they have a secret sexual basement. The discovery of a secret sexual basement is devastating, but it is also the first step towards taking control of your own life.

What Happens Next?

I wish I could answer for you.

There are many possible paths to take ahead. Communication. Snooping. Confrontation. Therapy. MOMs. Decoupling. Whichever path is best, this community is here to help support you. We've been in your shoes, know the pain of discovery, and can share what we've learned firsthand.

Wishing you strength in your journey!

Notes: I've no doubt missed hundreds of red flags. If you have any to add please share below and I will flow these in."