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March 3, 2021 11:47 am  #1


Not sure what to do now.

My husband of four years, partner of eight years, just came out to me that he is a Trans woman. Honestly I'm devastated. No one tells you how to prepare for something like this. I have loved him unconditionally our entire relationship. We have always been so close and strong together. Then he just unloads this on me, and says that I'm still his world, and that he wants us to stay together. He also said he would understand if it was too much, and I wanted to leave. I dont know what to do. We have been trying for our first child for three years now. I have medical conditions, both physically and emotionally. I dont have any idea how to cope. I feel like my husband just died in front of me, and left me here with this stranger that looks like him. It hurts so much. Since I love him so completely, I want to support him, and I want him to be his happiest self. And I can picture it working in the end, once its over and he has transitioned completely, but the idea of him turning into someone else, and losing the man I've loved, and watching the whole process is scaring me to death. I can't stop crying. I feel like I'm on the verge of a constant panic attack. My family is very traditional, and im worried that if he goes through with this, then I will lose them. Or they will at least treat him horribly. There is just so much running through my mind, and my normal categorizing coping methods aren't working. I feel like my brain is malfunctioning, and I'm drowning. I can't talk to anyone but him about it yet, and it's killing me. I want to call my mom and just cry to her like I normally do when life gets to be too much, but I cant tell her anything yet. Please, someone tell me what to do.

 

March 3, 2021 1:32 pm  #2


Re: Not sure what to do now.

First, it's important to know that your reaction is both normal and reasonable.  In a very real way, your husband has fundamentally altered the relationship between you, and if you didn't react emotionally to this change and to the loss of the future as you have envisioned it, that would be a cause for alarm.  Full disclosure: I am the ex wife of a man who decided he was "a woman in a man's body," and although for a year and a half I tried to make a go of it, the reality of living with a husband who was rejecting maleness and adopting feminine manners and wearing women's clothes and considering us as "two lesbians," along with his increasingly self-centered behavior, was too much for me. I stayed for three years, the last half of that time gathering up my courage to leave.  I moved out three years ago, and divorced six months after moving out.  We were married 32 years at the time of his disclosure.  

 If you haven't been to the "first aid" thread yet, please do look it over.  It has excellent advice.  

  (One thing I would advise is put aside your thoughts of having a baby right now.  This unsettling news, and the prospect of a very trying time to come, is not a good environment in which to be pregnant.)

  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Unload all you want here.  We understand. 

   
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 3, 2021 1:34 pm)

 

March 3, 2021 2:13 pm  #3


Re: Not sure what to do now.

Thank you. I appreciate it so much. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

     Thread Starter
 

March 3, 2021 2:37 pm  #4


Re: Not sure what to do now.

So sorry you are here... 

My wife came out as gay a few months ago after we have been married 8 years. I went trough all the same emotions. They are normal and you will go back and fort many times!

I am sure trans is different than gay but the devestation to me was complete. All my dreams of a happy normal nuclear family shattered in a day. We have two beautiful kids that are still young and as much as they are my entire life they do make it all a LOT more complicated. 

The sad reality from what I have seen from people here, and having read many more stories elsewhere is the cases of people making it work is FAR fewer than those who do not.

For me personally the hardest part was getting to a point where I decided what we had is over, how we proceed and what roles we play in each others lives as parents etc... 

Good luck and be patient with yourself, allow yourself to cry to be angry to be not ok. Find people who will support you in this even if you have to come here and vent.

Good luck, I know wanting to start a family is special but a blessing in disguise is likely that you are not pregnant right now or have kids and I would agree avoid that, it can always happen later if things work out but right now I would hit a SOLID pause on that idea.

 

March 3, 2021 8:26 pm  #5


Re: Not sure what to do now.

Justanothergal

A warm welcome.

My first advice is stop and breathe. Get your bearings.  Maintain your routines and status quo.

Secondly is to build a support system..
Call your mom.   I reached out to friends and family .. friends I hadn't spoken to in years. 

Don't go this alone. God put people like your mom here on this earth for a reason.

Hugs and prayers.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

March 3, 2021 9:25 pm  #6


Re: Not sure what to do now.

Justanothergal,
My heart goes out to you.  I am so sorry.
Having gone through a similar experience I will tell you that I felt all of the things that you are feeling now.  My initial reactions were to support my husband no matter what and to keep his secret (not just for him, but because I was confused and, yes, mortified). 

My suggestions:  If nothing else, you should find someone trustworthy that you can talk to.  Individual therapy is also helpful, provided that you can find a competent therapist.  My husband and I jumped into marriage counseling with a kooky counselor and it did more harm than good.  I would also suggest keeping a journal of what you are going through.  Your feelings may change as time rolls on.  I found that reflecting back on my writing solidified my decision when I could no longer continue as a straight spouse married to a man who thought he was a woman and had gay sexual desires.  

My husband went back and forth during the two married years that he struggled with what he called his "alternative lifestyle" crisis.  One day he was sure he was a woman and the next day it was all a big mistake.  I've seen similar postings on this site.  Be prepared for him to change his mind. 

There is no marked path for resolution to what you, and many of us, have experienced.  You will need to be strong and make decisions that are best for yourself as well as your husband.  I hope your journey will not be too painful and that you can figure out some sort of resolution.  Some couples stay together and some do not.  My husband and I are divorced now.  We were together for 10+ years but we are older and thankfully did not have any children together.  I wish that we could be friends but it is not possible for me yet as I can't reconcile that he lied to me about what he knew about his identity instead of being honest before he married me.  

All the best to you. 

 

 

March 4, 2021 12:46 pm  #7


Re: Not sure what to do now.

Hi JAG, look you finish your post with saying please someone tell me what to do so I am going to - talk to your mom.

wishing you lots of good luck, Lily

 

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