It makes me feel horrible, like I could die from the pain. I feel anxious, insecure, full of dread, sick to my stomach. Like I'm living a nightmare. What I want is to go back in time before he disclosed and stay married to the man I thought my husband was. That's not possible, so now what? Find a new husband? I work full time, take care of our son, keep a home, work out, try to spend time with family and friends (during a pandemic?), and that's about all I have time for. Subtract my partner from that and I have even less time. Ok, then be single and fine with that.

      I want my husband, who I love tremendously to not be GBTQ (he doesn't know/won't tell me). I want the straight, loving companion I thought I had, to go through life with me. I dont want to worry that one day the other shoe will drop and he will finally have the courage to come out. I'm only 37. I don't want to be 60 and then he realizes, "Hey it's not too late for me!" It's that statement, "Its too late for me." I know in my heart that means he is too scared to come out. That's not a reason to stay together. "Its too late for me so I guess I'll stay married to you."

      Yes, I want him to be his "authentic" self. Whatever that is. GBTQ? No idea. He's not straight, that's the only thing I know for sure. I want him to be authentic and happy, but I have firm, clear boundaries about what I can tolerate in terms of his dressing and sexual desires. If he can't be himself within those boundaries then we shouldn't be married. I married him with the understanding that we were both straight and our sexual preferences were agreed upon. People change, I get that, but change gender and/or sexuality? I'm not comfortable with that. I dont want to be in a MOM.

      Im here at this support group coming to terms with the fact that my marriage is changing or ending. I can't cope. The truth is, I'm really scared. I'm scared to stay and I'm scared to leave.

    I feel strongly that the sex therapist will give him the advice and support he needs to come out. So in a way, yes, I think the sex therapist will have some healthy answers. Unfortunately it will probably spell the end of our marriage.

     Thank you for listening. Its wonderful to have your support through the worst time of my life so far.

The cycle would continue. He would pretend everything is how it used to be before disclosure. I would keep trying to get answers and he would be defensive. Eventually one of us would leave, he would come out or kill himself.

Aurora - 
I feel like we could be writing the same story - except for the fact that at least your husband is honest with himself- at least to a point!

My husband will say he wants me, and only me - but he is most definitely gay. He is trying to pretend like everything is completely as it was before I found out. 
He is trying to stay in the marriage. He is TERRIFIED of losing everything we have, and says he is terrified of losing me. But I can't help but wonder if he is just scared of losing his cover and the image of him being a "great husband and Christian guy." 

I also can't seem to move past the feelings of sadness, depression, anger, insecurity, and deep deep despair. He gets mad that I can't just "make up my mind and choose to forgive and move on."

I am also terrified of leaving, but don't know how to stay, either.

What a fucking hell-trap we are in. I am so sorry you are here... but we are not alone. As stupid as it is that any of us are here, at least we're not alone, right? 

You could be me, writing the same story 10 years ago and nothing has changed. I'm still living in his closet and about every 6 months or so the elephant in the room shows up. My advice is to end it now while you are young enough to pick up the pieces and move forward. We are now in our 60's and I'm done. I told him last week he needs to get on with his life, I will live here until I decide it's time for me to leave. I consider myself single now and that is what I want and just telling him that has helped me and him. I quit doing everything for him and guess what..... He is doing for himself because I'm not. I am starting to look to MY future without him and I feel so better about me, I am over it being all about him and his issues.  Good luck sweetie, I wish you the very best.