I hoped that one of the men who post here and have been in your situation would be online and welcome you to the club that no one wanted to join. I think that it is important that you are thinking about what will make you happy because that matters too. It is good that you have started counseling for yourself. .

My children were adults when my now-ex husband announced that he was gay, was moving out and wanted a divorce so the issues you face are not the same. Staying together is not always best even if it means selling the family home. Children need calm and happy parents, even if they are in separate homes.

Staying together might be a functional option for the short term but I think you will find it more difficult as time goes by. You now have an elephant in your house. It sounds that your spouse will be looking for new relationships and eventually other people will appear. That can get very awkward unless you define some house rules for this arrangement. Remember to keep them just as fair for you.

I don't think I've ever seen someone say that staying together 'for the kids' was the right choice. If you level with them they may be confused why you're still all in the same house. If they don't know, well kids are perceptive and they will figure out something isn't right. That may lead to issues. Here is a quote from another member here that was posted just the other day...... (This quote is from a reply by Sean in his thread "A gay ex-husband answers your questions")

"For me personally, after coming out I was willing to consider a mixed orientation marriage with my (then) wife "for the kids." That is until we saw a marriage counsellor who was also a child psychologist. Near the end of one counselling session, I offhandedly asked what effect our gay/straight marriage was having on our kids who were 12 (boy), 10 (girl) and 6 (boy) at the time. To my horror, he diagnosed them having never met them: 12 year old is trying to be the "perfect" child so his parents will stay together; 10 year old is emotionally withdrawn and is showing the telltale signs of a future eating disorder; and the 6 year old suffers from insomnia and/or constipation."

Something like this isn't always the case but I think there's a better chance your kids will be happy if both their parents are happy. It's not conditional on everyone being under the same roof.

Counseling is a good thing, no matter if it's professional or through SSN type groups. Being able to talk about it is important. Man culture in some countries discourages feelings and suggests you have to be a rock, take one for the team, etc. That's B-S. Your emotional health matters. Being all over the place is natural when this starts. Most people's initial reaction is to focus on how to fix it and to try to continue with the familiar.

I would also suggest you investigate just what options you have. Even if you are not currently planning on separation or divorce, find out what that entails in your area and what expectations there may be in terms of asset division, custody, child-support and so on. Maybe talk to a smart financial advisor and see if there are any options you don't know about that might allow one person to keep the house. Or, depending on your local market, maybe you can time a sale just right and come out with a plan that allows you to still provide a home for the kids but allow you and your spouse to be independent.

Most of all, don't think you have to rush and get all the answers right away. If you're in a good situation with your spouse, (no infidelity, no fighting, etc.) you may be able to take this a piece at a time. Figure out where everyone wants to be and how best to get there.

Good luck and keep posting as much as you need to.
 

More reason to proceed carefully and a cautious pace. Right now I think you should focus on your health. If your spouse isn't in a huge rush to change her life style, you may be able to come to a short term agreement that buys everyone a little time to start considering the available options.

Welcome to the club no one wants to be part of

My wife came out about 6 months ago as lesbian after being married for 8 years and having 2 kiddos. I am still heart broken many days. BUT I do want you do know I also have some wonderful days and they are becoming more frequent.

We initially stayed together as we were is a similar situation where the house was just too expensive for just one of us to stay. It was horrible we were constantly fighting and arguing about stupid things. The kids new something was up (they are both younger then 6) and it was not a good place for them.

Having my own space and making it the way I like it has REALLY helped in finding my own identity. It has been a tough journey we were married for 8 years and together longer so I feel like I lost a big part of my identity as an individual that I had to find again.

The main reason we decided sooner rather than later to go our separate ways is we want to remain civil / friends as we have kids. Staying in the same house just did not help make that situation any better and made things harder actually.

So just know you are not alone, the fact that others go through the same thing does not make it easier but it helped me to know it. If you want to talk to someone feel free to DM me

Hi there I'm in a kind of similar situation. 20 years, 2 kids. All new and could never afford to separate. And we are honest and there has been no cheating. But this weekend we move to different rooms, I know she wants to experience sex with a woman I am trying to understand her, because we do love each other, but I don't know how I will ever navigate this .....