OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
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* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
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- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Feeling alone in this
Epiphany wrote:
......I do feel like there might still be a light at the end of the tunnel...no matter which tunnel we choose to take.
Hi again Epiphany. It's good you're reading all boards on the site, good that you're taking it slow. The r'ships between a straightspouse and their LGBTQ have a timeline,.. That's not like any other, and it should move as fast or slow as you feel it should.
When I first joined there was no MOM board, I asked for it because I felt the site needed a space for the SS who were still not seeing a life without their partner/husband/wife. As I worked thru my journey until I got to the point where I decided I could no longer wanted the physical r'ship with my partner that has been a big part of our lives for so long. It was a definitive moment. Kind of like it released me from a responsibility to try to 'heal' us because I knew it was time for him to step up.
The fact he seems to be quite happy with this (but not really speaking about it with me) tells me my decision to no longer share my body was the right one.
The moment I said "I don't want you" was the moment I knew I could no longer be on the MOM board.
What I'm trying to show you is that we all have a timeline, and it's full of hesitations, fog and what-ifs... But if we are mindful of where we are, it shouldn't matter how long it takes us to reach our decisions about our lives just as long as we're moving forward towards that light
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Feeling alone in this
Ellexoh, I’m not as confident as you that he’s completely gay. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m not ready to accept it or if it’s because I married him, well aware of the fact that he was Bi and then experienced a long period of life with him without him seeming to explore that male attraction anymore. I’m wondering, with Bisexual people, if it’s possible their desires change over time...perhaps now he’s desiring men more, maybe it’s because he’s bored in our relationship, does he still get turned on by women? These are the answers I need to find. Like Julian had mentioned...does it even matter? I’m in a fog of too many what if’s and emotions right now. I want to talk to my husband to find answers but we have a trip planned for his birthday at the end of the week and I’m worried what I might learn, I don’t want us to ruin that trip and I’m wondering if I should wait for counseling. I will go over to the support forum too. I’ve been reading posts from all the forums. I can say this, it is very empowering and eye opening to hear everybody else’s stories. I do feel like there might still be a light at the end of the tunnel...no matter which tunnel we choose to take.
I'm not confident your husband is gay. I don't know him.
My partner says he's not gay but does admit to being bi. In the end what does it matter? I am confident in my choice to not share my sexual self with a man who has shown himself to be cowardly with the truth...if our husbands/partners admit to being gay we know they want to fuck men yes? And if they're bi they want to fuck men AND women right? This does leave you a spot for yourself, in amongst the others, as you keep making him look like a heterosexual, which he no doubt would prefer. Will any of these dalliances with men and women....if you did decide to say "yes....sure! I don't mind how many people you fuck...as long as you find yourself"....will any of them become friends? Would you welcome the men and women your husband has sex with... into your home?
All these questions you're wanting to know are all about him. What do you want? and does your husband ask as many questions about you?
Elle
KIA KAHA
- TangledOil
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Re: Feeling alone in this
Hi Epiphany,
I think one of the biggest problems here is people assume that everybody is exactly the same. All the straights are the same, all the gays are the same, all the bisexuals are the same. Of course we, as rational human beings, know this is a complete fallacy. You know your husband better than any of us do. Your husband knows himself even better than you do so you need to hear it from him... if he can communicate with you in a honest and respectful way. I’ve never suspected my husband was gay. All I suspected was he wasn’t quite straight. Maybe we had an unusual situation because he didn’t try to hide things, but he also didn’t label himself bisexual until the last couple years. Prior to that he only considered himself damaged from childhood abuse. Could he have changed his view of his identity sooner or never? Sure. My husband doesn’t desire to seek out sex outside of our marriage. Funny thing is I tried offering him options and he got very uncomfortable with the thought. People are all unique. Yes, this is a good site to help process, but take it all with a grain of salt as each relationship in unique.
Tangled
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Feeling alone in this
........but take it all with a grain of salt as each relationship in unique. Tangled
I would never take anything said here with a grain of salt.. That to me would be disrespectful of somebody's story, someone's pain. We all know we're unique but it's being told all the different circumstances that enable us to see our own...clearer
Elle
KIA KAHA
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Feeling alone in this
Tangled Oil,
It's not a question of her hearing from HIM what HE wants.
The more salient question is whether she knows herself, and knows what SHE wants. What is acceptable to HER? What does SHE want out of her marriage?
It's not a question of what she's willing to accept.
- TangledOil
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Re: Feeling alone in this
Obviously I speak from my own experience and perspective (like we all do) but I absolutely take everything here with a grain of salt. Most of what I see here does not apply to my relationship. Like I’ve mentioned in the past, I know numerous people who’ve come here and left almost immediately because this place wasn’t good for them. Also word on the internet in many places is avoid this place like the plague for its negativity. People in horrible situations will probably find a lot of comfort and camaraderie here and that’s understandable and reasonable. For people in better situations this site is often far from what they can relate to and are looking for.
Tangled
Last edited by TangledOil (February 16, 2021 12:28 pm)
- lily
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Re: Feeling alone in this
Tangled - if you think it's all so untrue, and so horrible and negative here - then what are you doing here?
Personally I find this assertion of individual uniqueness being a reason why you cannot talk about types of people to be pretty negative - perhaps you could take that up with a zoologist.
- Julian_Stone
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Re: Feeling alone in this
I'm not in a horrible situation...but what I appreciate about this forum is that everyone here is looking out for the straight spouse...whereas other forums I've stumbled across (in Reddit, for example) are more focused on the non-straight spouse...and fulfilling his/her "needs"(as they're so often referred to)...I can't tell you how many times I've been asked how I'm keeping my husband satisfied/helping him scratch his "itch"...Never once (outside of this forum) was I asked how he's making me feel loved/fulfilled/desired...and building back my trust. I never in a million years imagined I'd end up here...but, at one of the lowest points of my life, it was comforting to know I wasn't alone....and that my fears/anger/sadness/expectations were valid.
- TangledOil
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Re: Feeling alone in this
That’s interesting. I’m on Reddit and I’ve never been asked that. The straight wives of bi husbands that most frequently post on the MarriedandBi subreddit make it perfectly clear where they stand. My perspective is obviously not the same as yours. I know what I want in my relationship (my marriage) and I don’t feel I’m compromising to stay in it. I guess we're atypical because both my husband and I feel we have it pretty damn good in our monogamous MOM. I do feel loved, fulfilled, and desired by my husband and I always have. That's never been in question.
Last edited by TangledOil (February 16, 2021 1:17 pm)
- Julian_Stone
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Re: Feeling alone in this
Yes. I'm familiar with that subreddit. I was banned by the moderator for "shaming" a guy who was cheating on his unknowing wife. There weren't many straight spouses actively driving conversations there....mostly men lamenting monogamy or looking for "chat" buddies.
Yes..your story may be atypical because you knew your husband was not straight going into marriage (most of us didn't). It's the lie that's been hardest for me to grapple with...and I think many people here can relate to that.