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1 of 1- AuroraMoon
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We finally finished our talk (update)
After I posted Can't stop crying and my son was occupied, we tried to keep talking about stuff. He told me he doesn't want a divorce and he doesn't need to change anything about his gender identity and sexuality. We trauma bonded for sure. The next day I read your replies, talked to one friend and one family member that I trust. They both told me that it won't work, neither of us will be happy and eventually the other shoe would drop. Maybe next year, maybe in 20 years, but eventually he will have to deal with it. We talked again and I told him that he is in denial. I think his depression, anxiety and suicide thoughts are due to not facing his gender identity and sexuality issues. I gave an ultimatum that he has to join support groups and find a gender identity and sexuality therapist or I would leave immediately. He's looking them up as I write this. I feel sick
- AuroraMoon
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Re: We finally finished our talk (update)
How naive of me to think we finished our talk lol. I needed help with something and I was standing next to him and he was sitting at his computer writing an email. I looked at it and saw "my wife is badgering me". I was like, how dare you, all I'm trying to do is help, you're talking shit about me blag blah blah. He got defensive, like usual, and finally for the fist time....angry. I was like, you're angry? Good because we have finally gotten through a wall. I asked why he's angry? He said he feels cornered and afraid. I said that's because you are in denial and you don't want to face it. You can keep living in denial and blame me for our divorce or you can face this, figure it out and finally live your truth. We may still get divorced but at least you will have a chance at happiness. His anger melted away and he apologized to me for the mean email and for lashing out at me for trying to help. I told him I'm sorry I had to be so aggressive. It feels good to finally get through that wall, even though I know I'm helping him turn in a direction that will most likely lead to divorce in the end. Is it weird that I want to help him figure this out with divorce almost assured?
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: We finally finished our talk (update)
AuroraMoon wrote:
......... Is it weird that I want to help him figure this out with divorce almost assured?
Yes it's weird but your emotions must be all over the place. For me I look back 4 years (since The Email) and the 3 years I gave him to prove to me he was right when he said he'd stuff his 'feelings' down. In all those 3 years he, not all the time but often, tried to convince/sway me to return to our previous "sex life as he knew it" because I do believe he thinks it's the only answer to our problems. It's always been me to bring up/start a convo about my worries and questions, always with him becoming angry, belittling me for my anxiety.
The last year have been sexless and mild, And I will not help him do anything. It's his life not mine. I'm not the one mixed up, trying to be two people...he is. It was my naivety that led to me thinking it was up to me to stand beside him while he explored. It's not.
I know who I am
Elle
Edited to ask Aurora.....who was he emailing to say "my wife is badgering me".....?
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (February 15, 2021 1:38 pm)
KIA KAHA
- AuroraMoon
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Re: We finally finished our talk (update)
That's exactly it, my emotions are everywhere. I feel exactly the way you said, that its my duty to stand by him while he explores or ignores the issue. Are you two still together? I'll read your old posts. He was emailing his therapist. I didn't realize until he told me. I felt bad after, like I was intruding, but he was typing it when I walked in and didn't try to close it. I'm glad I saw it in a way because he was angry and seeing an emotion was a nice change. He's so locked down emotionally that its almost impossible to have a real conversation. He lies by omission
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: We finally finished our talk (update)
...... Are you two still together?.....
Still together. He will never make the first move. He did once offer to move into an apartment for like...3 months, and leave me in our expensive one (that he would still pay for) It's the last thing I wanted...to be surrounded by our life together while he was off doing heaven knows what
My story is a long one and has changed greatly over the time I've been here. From codependent and wanting to save my marriage to getting all my ducks in a row for if and when I know for definite we're not worth saving
Elle
Edited to say....my partner would never send an email like that. He wouldn't even continue with the counselor. He
must be even more closed up than your husband!! 
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (February 15, 2021 3:47 pm)
KIA KAHA