Hawklover,

whew, you sound like you’re where I was a couple of years ago.......checking all the devices, online phone records...anything I could find out how to find anything.,....and, I did it with my husband’s ‘approval’. I had seen a nude photo of a man on a CL ad when he accidentally showed it to me while trying to ask a question about his iPad. And, there it was!! I searched for 16 months before he admitted to actually having sex with anyone, and then he only admitted to ONE man. I had found dating sites, emails to men, porn (the least of it); and, when his Gmail wouldn’t work, and I loaded it the ‘basic’ way, a list of contacts showed up. I could tell by the names that they were sex hook-ups (tacky, sexual email names). He had already admitted to going to see them, but had a reason he didn’t have sex with any==one was a hoarder, one too old, etc—-BS!  So, when he realized I was serious about a polygraph, he admitted to having sex with men our entire relationship..and, in fact, since he was a teenager. So, like Upside said, they don’t admit anything until you have proof..or, in this case, the proof wasn’t good enough, but a polygraph was! Unfortunately, I learned all kinds of ways to look up stuff. I’ve quit most of it, as he has stopped all activity..., but I still use the “find my iPhone”, as he did his ‘thing’ during the day when he was out doing jobs, running around town. I’m trying to wean myself off it, since he’s been in the right places for a long time now,but can’t seem to. Before he quit seeing men, he knew I was following him and he started meeting men in his van and in our empty rentals where he was working on them..So, he was where he was supposed to be, but NOT doing what he was supposed to be doing. He had been visiting the local porn video store and going in the back rooms with the guys and having oral sex (that’s all he does...not anal, no emotional contact-heck, after 2 years meeting a guy there, he didn’t even know his last name. I found it with a reverse number service....Anyway, all that looking up stuff can suck you in! But, if I hadn’t, I never would have found out.

Now that I’ve told you my part in the same sort of thing, I will say that we have been able to move past it and are trying to rebuild our relationship. We were best friends before, and hope to be again. He doesn’t want a relationship with a man, so leaving the marriage just for sex every so often, and nothing else to offer, he says he’d much rather have the marriage.. So, we’re monogamous. I can’t be any other way. I’ve already ‘shared’ him more than I EVER would have wanted.

So, with all that said, I need to add:
I think that Upside had some pretty good things to say, and worded them better than I could. all of those things are spot on.

Best of luck to you in whatever you do.

((((HUGS))))

I was married to him for 32 years. We married at 24 and had a blessed life together. We were good friends, three kids, two homes, active social life with large group of couples. Said these feelings surfaced recently, but he never came to me with them. Just lied and acted upon them. Then he left me. This has been tragic on so many levels. Long story. Maybe I'll share another time. Still trying to overcome the terrible trauma and the grief. Still cry a lot. Finally overcame most of the rage but that took a year. We are moving toward divorce now. It is hard for me to say the word.  I am profoundly lonely a lot of the time. COVID has not helped. I have a great therapist, but I need help from people who have experienced what I'm going through. Does anyone know of any virtual support groups?  I would also appreciate your support. thank you