SupportiveHusband,

So sorry you’re having to go through this, especially after being so unselfish. 

I don’t have experience with an open marriage, so what I’m going to say is second-hand, however, I’m sure others will respond that have, and have felt what you are feeling.

When you open your marriage and one or both of you are intimate with someone else, your bond is broken, even if you gave permission and were all right with it. After al, she is your wife, and I imagine when you got married, you didn’t intend for there to be more than two of you being intimate. We’re in a MOM, and I know I couldn’t ever be non-monogamous. My husband cheated with men our entire relationship (at the time it was 15 1/2 years) until I caught him. We’ve been working on repairing our marriage for over 1 1/2 years and it’s an uphill battle, to say the least. You mention the pit in your stomach. If you are uncomfortable with your wife being with another woman, then you should talk with her about it, and if necessary, have her break it off, especially if it is harming your marriage, which I would think would be more important than ‘satisfying her needs’. That is what we’re working with. My husband’s ‘needs’/urges are NOT as important as our marriage. I love him dearly, but I have already ‘shared’ him enough! If he has to have sex with another man again, then we will just go our separate ways, even though that’s the last thing either of us wants. 
The ONLY time I’ve seen an open marriage work, is if BOTH spouses are TOTALLY comfortable with it. It takes a lot of planning, boundaries made (and lines get crossed anyway sometimes), and more.
Counseling will help a lot, whether you’re going to keep your marriage open or not. Your love for each other & the fact that you’re best friends will help a lot 😊. That has carried us a long way. We’re not ‘best friends’ again yet, but sure hope we will be again soon. At least you aren’t having ‘cheating’ to deal with. She’s doing this with your blessings. It’s just something that the two of you need to define and refine.

All the best to the both of you.

((((HUGS))))

Hi SH — I'm sorry you're here. I know you came for support, but I'm going to be honest with you: This sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen. Open marriages are very difficult (period). Throw in a "surprise, I'm not straight" situation....oy.

This is A LOT to process in just six months. My husband told me he's bisexual nearly two years ago, and I'm still struggling....so I can only imagine what you're feeling right now. Your wife started talking to a woman just one month ago and she's already in love and flying long distance during a pandemic to be with her? Wow. Either she's been talking to this woman longer than she's admitting...or she's deep in the throws of "gay adolescence" + "new relationship energy"...and not making the most rational choices. 

Listen, I would never (not in a million years) agree to an arrangement like this...I can barely meet work deadlines—yet alone juggle two relationships and a child...But, if I were the non-monogamous type, I would not attempt to navigate this alone. You both need to get into counseling ASAP: Be honest about your feelings, set boundaries, talk "what if" scenarios...There are children involved, so this isn't something that should be taken lightly. 

Most importantly, look after your happiness. What are you getting out of this? Do you feel loved / respected / desired? If not, do you get to seek other women for that? This is your marriage, too...and you have every right to not want to spend it on the sidelines. 

Hang in there, SH.

Last edited by Julian_Stone (January 28, 2021 12:04 pm)

On another thread, Abby said to a poster something like the following: Instead of trying to figure out what you can tolerate, ask yourself what you need and can't do without.

You do not have the basis for an ethical non-monogamous relationship, because you didn't together come to believe this is something you want.  It was forced on you by your wife, and you agree for her happiness not because you wanted it, too.  You have the right to change your mind at any time, and to tell your wife that you have changed your mind.  Now that you have a taste of it, you find that it's unacceptable to you--it makes you feel lonely, diminished, "undesired" and "less like a man."  So tell her you want it to stop.  You say she tells you she will stop, but she also puts the pressure on you to accept this by telling you she loves this woman, and you know this is what she wants, so you are afraid to force the issue by telling her the truth.  






 

I agree too - and I'd like to emphasise that feeling jealous, undesirable and less like a man are entirely valid feelings, absolutely what you would expect to feel in the circumstances.  

It's the crux of a MOM - you love her and you're married to her you have feelings about her, how you feel about yourself even is based in her response to you - you don't just feel undesired by her, you feel undesirable.