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January 22, 2021 12:50 pm  #1

Bisexual or gay?

Just wondering what you all think...my soon-to-be-ex cheated on me (with a woman) and then told me about how very bi-curious he is. He then confessed to masturbating to other men live online as long as ten years ago (to me this indicates bisexuality, not mere curiosity). I’ve also discovered that he is a compulsive liar and suspect there is a lot he has hidden from me over the years and will never confess to.

Our sex life has always been unsatisfying and he has always been very emotionally detached. We got together as teenagers, very young, so I was and still quite inexperienced, as was he (though he had a little more experience). After the early days there was no kissing, making out, foreplay and definitely no cuddling or hugging. It was like he used me to get off as quickly as possible and that was it. Before we got married he started to get interested in the idea of swinging and even put pictures of me on a swingers website (against my wishes) and signed us up for a swinger web site. Later he dragged me to sex clubs, wanting me to have sex with strangers, and couldn’t stop looking at the men only room and wanting to go in. He then became obsessed with the idea of a male-male-female threesome, telling me of I wanted him to do a sex act to a man he would hate it but do it for me.

He also amassed a collection of phallic sex toys and would often lose erections. It got to the point that he wouldn’t be able to climax unless I told him I wished he had a bigger d!ck, that I wished I was with a guy with a bigger d!ck and then he would finish quickly (hearing about d!cks). I saw on his phone that a random number texted him a d!ck pic at like 2am and he also had nude pics of his junk in his phone’s deleted pictures folder (he claimed it was for me though I had never asked for or seen the picture).

Stbx grew up in a very patriarchal household with a very religious parent. He has been called the lost emotionally repressed person one of the marriage counselors had ever met. We have two young children and he has basically been absent their whole lives because he was always “working.”

About his cheating—he claimed he couldn’t maintain an erection with this woman. I saw text messages between them wherein he sent her explicit photos, used lots of emojis, called her a pet name and seemed overall *super* enthusiastic and over the top.

I didn’t realize till most recently how desperate he is for people to like him (very dangerous as he is in a managerial role and had an affair with an employee who could easily sue him for harassment or assault) and his image means everything to him. He attached more to his employees and cared more about them than his own family.

I don’t know if it matters but he has been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and refuses to take medication or continue therapy. His therapist agreed that he also shows signs of Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorders.

I realize it doesn’t matter now as our relationship is over and he will also never be honest with me or himself. Just wondering what it looks like from an outside perspective. (Please go easy on me—I know I sound like the biggest idiot ever and totally naive but I loved him and trusted him and this has been my only real relationship. While I see now how toxic he was and is, I had no one else for support and it at least felt familiar in the recreation kf my relationship with my emotionally distant and neglectful parents.)


January 22, 2021 2:00 pm  #2

Re: Bisexual or gay?

I’m so sorry you find yourself here, but I’m glad you’re out of a very toxic relationship. I don’t know if it matters if he’s bi or gay. I do believe many of the non-straight spouses discussed at SSN could very likely be diagnosed narcissistic at the very least. Also mental health issues are huge in the LGBTQ community as a whole. You’re ex had a lot going on. Bipolar disorder is no joke and can be managed with appropriate diagnosis and medication. A cheater and liar is a cheater and liar... doesn’t much matter who he’s cheating and lying with. 


January 23, 2021 4:56 pm  #3

Re: Bisexual or gay?

Hi SadSack. I am sorry you are going through this. I have had much the same experience with regard to my husband’s infidelities. Follow your instincts. It’s hard to turn off the spotlight on your husband after his acting out for so many years. It was for me. Still is, in fact. I believe my husband is homosexual. I have evidence but he swears he made “one mistake.” My husband is in his 70s and is just on the verge of coming out. I know we are incompatible so I am moving on with my life without him. It is time for me to take care of myself on my terms. I hope you follow your instincts and do what is best for you. If I can do it you can too.


January 25, 2021 3:27 pm  #4

Re: Bisexual or gay?

I am also very sorry and I would never say anything to you to make you feel emotional pain. All of us here have been lied  to and I for one would appreciate some honesty from my partner. Your husband is gay or bi sexual. I sometimes wonder if gay men can manage sex with a woman and they prefer to be called bi sexual instead of gay.


January 25, 2021 5:22 pm  #5

Re: Bisexual or gay?

I'm sorry you find yourself here.

Although our "stories" are different, I definitely see some parallels between your situation and mine.  My husband grew up in a similar religious/oppressive environment, we married relatively young with little experience, and I absolutely can relate to the "always working" and the desperate need to be liked by people. I do think the workaholic tendencies and the desire to be liked, to be validated, are intertwined.  But work is also something he can control, to a certain extent.  So then I wonder, now that I know he's attracted to men, was working a way to avoid dealing with me and his feelings?  Did he lack the internal motivation to come home and be a husband and a father? Was it all part of presenting the image of the Hardworking Husband? 

My husband acknowledges he's not straight--he admits he's physically attracted to men and would like to "explore" that side of his sexuality.  But he has yet to definitively label himself as bisexual or gay.  Based on everything I shared, my therapist suggested he might be bisexual and struggling with unmet needs (particularly since he's never been with a man) and how those feelings fit into a "normal" marriage.  

Bisexual or gay though---at what point does it cease to become about sexuality and become about what it's done to the marriage?  You dealt with a lying, cheating partner that also refused to seek mental help. I have one that is often emotionally absent from our marriage now that he's acknowledging his same-sex feelings.  Some things are irreparable, as you know.  

I wish you and your children the best going forward. 


January 25, 2021 5:29 pm  #6

Re: Bisexual or gay?

Gloria wrote:

I sometimes wonder if gay men can manage sex with a woman and they prefer to be called bi sexual instead of gay.

Hi Gloria, 

It’s complicated, of course. Some men don’t really know if they’re bi or gay. Some do because they know if they like sex with women also or not. You may have also seen the term “bi now gay later”, referring to the number of men (and, I imagine women, too, but I see it about men. Maybe women know themselves better?) who say they’re bisexual and later realized they are gay. 
But, like you said, I have heard many times that gay men will identify as bi. Sometimes it’s because they want to remain married, and saying they’re gay wouldn’t work so well. (It can work, BTW). 
That’s about as much as I can think of right now. Maybe someone can add to it. Like I said, it’s complicated. Not so easy as just straight, gay or bi. There’s a whole spectrum 


January 26, 2021 12:53 am  #7

Re: Bisexual or gay?

He's Lie-sexual.  He lied to you about his sexuality, which is is not straight.  


January 26, 2021 2:02 pm  #8

Re: Bisexual or gay?

Blue Bear wrote:

He's Lie-sexual.  He lied to you about his sexuality, which is is not straight.  

🤣....sorry to make fun, but that is good! thanks for the laugh.


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