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1 of 1- Epiphany
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Tug-o-war of thoughts and emotions
Anyone else in this group struggle with a constant back and forth regarding your feelings about your MOM? I find myself looking, searching, wondering what I don’t know...questioning my husband then decide to just stop and try to be more positive. So then for a few days we are affectionate, loving, open. Then I’m withdrawn, or he’s withdrawn and the cycle continues. We have a counseling consultation this Thursday. I’m really hoping it helps with this confusion. He keeps saying I’m his everything, he’s attracted to me, we can get through this , he’s sorry etc. but then I think, how am I ever going to be enough for him? He has a Dr. appointment March 2nd to address ED issues and have a physical. I realize testosterone levels probably don’t affect a person’s sexuality all that much but it does seem that since the ED issues started, his preference began to change. So I’m hoping it helps us. I just don’t know what to believe. I don’t want to believe a lie but he keeps telling me we will get through this. I just wish I knew all, then again everything at once might be too much. I feel as though we are in this purgatory of unknowns, complicated by his confusion and half truths. If we need to just be married for awhile without the intimate connection then fine, but he keeps saying he wants us to work fully. I’ve told him if he needs to be with men then we can be married as friends for awhile, free to do our own thing but together for the family. The thing is he still gets very jealous of any other guy around me. I just wish I knew if I should attach or detach because it’s Impossible to do both.
- SusanneH
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Re: Tug-o-war of thoughts and emotions
Anyone else in this group struggle with a constant back and forth regarding your feelings about your MOM?
You bet! It’s the infamous “roller coaster” ride they talk about. Like you said (and, last week was a perfect example for us), for a few days/week(s), you’ll get along great and everything will seem like it’s all going to be just fine, and then something will happen and BOOM, it’s a downer around here again. With us its’ the long, drawn out discussions....mostly long because he won’t open up/join in and I end up talking & talking trying to get him to talk/work it out..... a lonnnnng monologue , which he can’t stand. I know counseling will help. I’m glad to see y’all are going. We’ve each had individual counseling, but neither has found anyone that has helped yet, so we’re going to try the couples therapy next and try new individual counselors, too. It’s all online right now since I’m really high risk for COVID. Good luck & be totally open. I’ve found if I write things down, i might be able to remember them better. Otherwise, we end up just chatting....waste of money and time.
I understand the feeling of purgatory of unknowns. Hopefully, counseling will help with that, too.
Best of luck Thursday!
(((HUGS))))
- Virion
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Re: Tug-o-war of thoughts and emotions
Hi Epiphany, your anguish is palpable and I truly feel for you having been in the same situation myself. My marriage wasn't as good as yours before the reveal but I still loved him and believed it could work out as a MOM . However after about 3 months life went on - kids , work etc and the shine of our renewed commitment wore off, I then found myself in the role of Police- going through his drawers/clothes/phone .google for evidence of him being with a man .I became depressed /paranoid , desperate- The more liberties he took - trying to introduce dildos etc turned me right off , his ED is directly due to me being of the wrong gender, (I had to role play as a man ) when I suggested that I may meet another man the tables turned and he refused point blank- no man could have me yet wanted to be free to hook up ( he didn't but was doing gay porn endlessly)
So a year later almost, after reading this forum and the book- I know there is no hope , I'm still slowly detangling , the love is gone for me yet he tells me he is more in love than before ( look at actions not words!)
I read Chumplady.com- and realise that being marriage police/ losing my identity/mental health challenges were not serving me or my children
If our husbands were telling us they wanted to be with women it would be a non runner
This is a very challenging time, there is a grieving period to this , take your time, it is NOT your job to fix him , fix you
Blessings
- Julian_Stone
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Re: Tug-o-war of thoughts and emotions
I'm so sorry, Virion. That sounds absolutely awful. This is what I meant by some straight wives "losing themselves" when becoming so entangled in their husband's complicated sexuality. We are women — and want to be desired as women. Your advice — look at actions, not words — is really good. Words are easy. "Talk is cheap," as they say. You're so right: this is challenging. Even those who decide to attempt a MOM go through a grieving period...grieving their perceived past and their anticipated future. Marriage is hard...but very few of us went into it expecting this plot twist.
Chumplady.com is a great resource...Super empowering...(and it helps that she's funny...and a talented writer!) Some of the straight spouses here have written to her.
Take care of yourself. As so many here have said before: be your own best friend.