Hi Hope,

Welcome. I’d like to help you, however you didn’t say a lot about your situation. We’re in a MOM. My husband is bisexual and (finally) disclosed his sexual encounters with men 6/2019 & 11/2019 where he admitted to having sex with men our entire relationship. He’s been doing it since his teens, and has stopped now. The last encounter was May, 2019. He never would have told me. I had to search for 16 months with him lying to me the entire time, no matter what I found until I found something he couldn’t get out of. I had always said if my husband ever cheated on me, it was OVER, no 2nd chances, however when it happened & my head was spinning so much, I knew it wasn’t time to make such a big decision, so we decided to see what happened,...as long as he stayed monogamous. I will not tolerate him cheating again. So, we’ve been working it out...it’s a roller coaster ride for sure. Some days are good, and others are spent with LONG, drawn out ‘discussions’.....these days, mostly over other things, like him not being passionate, or things like that...feelings, etc. 
We spend time talking & reading (right now it’s a communication book. At first, we read from ‘after the affair/cheating” books.
There’s a lot more. If you could tell us more about your situation, there are a lot of us here that have a lot of different things in our lives that could possibly help you.

For instance, is your husband bisexual or gay? How long have you known & did he tell you or did you find out? Do you have a monogamous or open marriage. The more you can illuminate, the more we can help.

again, welcome & (((((HUGS)))))

My backgound:
We (straight man, lesbian wife) are married 35 years. We discovered to be in a MOM 15 years ago when my wife realized she was lesbian. But we worked through it with ups and downs.
Resulting in proud and happy to be in a (monogamous) MOM. Even this (seemingly doomed) scenario can lead to an unexpected possitive outcome.

I agree with Susanne, much about your situation is undefined. So it's hard to answer.
But to address your question as good as possible for now:

Acceptance is a process that's strongly connected with communication... so talk with each other!
It's a sort of "game of give and take", while deeper knowing and being known is build up gradualy. This goes for him but for you also.
As you both understand/learn each other, and the things that emerge along the way are worked out, the feeling (rather knowing) of being accepted grows.

A pitfall can be the straight spouse is focussed on accepting the LGB spouse, as if that's the only "acceptance issue" that's going on. While it's actually very important to keep it balanced, so the LGB spouse accepts the straight spouse also and as equally important. (again... lots of talks and openess needed!) You'll won't do your relation a favor if you ignore this.

Further it helps to set boundaries, like whatever comes out: "this is the line you both agree on". Written in solid rock. As a base of certainty you hold together.
Because this security is a necessary foundation to feel secure enough to be open more... and more.. and more.
Acceptance and communication is a process, it evolves. Trust and security (also to be honest and open) grows along with it.

Hope1965 wrote:

My husband came out as gay in 2012 ,although he had known for quite a while. We have 3 children and were working so we were very busy with everything. Things just rolled along.. Fast forward to 2018 and things came to a head. I think he had some sort of breakdown which led me to an emotional breakdown which then led to a physical one. We have stayed monogamous. Things are a lot more settled now but occasionally he says he is not sure if I accept the situation. I think I do ,but any ideas to show that I do would be very helpful.. He also occasionally says he would like to normalize it in the marriage. I ask what does that mean and I don't really get an answer . Thank you for the welcome and sending virtual hugs back

Hi again Hope,

No worries about not writing a lot. You’ve given more information to help, and, maybe , in time you’ll feel more comfortable. Either way, there’s no pressure to post a certain amount of information, nor what to post 😉.

I’m sorry you & your husband went through such a rough time emotionally. I hope things are better now.

As far as accepting the situation. For me, I had to get over the cheating... then, I started to accept his bisexuality and tried to get him to open up (not easy. He doesn’t like to talk about his feelings, either) so I know more about it/him. I want to get to know the ‘real’ him now, so i can accept him. I don’t know if you & your husband talk, however I recommend it highly. The successful couples do a lot of open & honest communicating. 
Let him know, in no uncertain terms that you DO accept him and the situation . Ask him what you can do to make him feel more at ease and accepted (now, that does not mean opening up your marriage, especially if you don’t want to. Only when BOTH truly want it can it work, and then I hear it’s complicated). So, for my husband, my acceptance of him stops at opening the marriage. If he feels he can not live without sex with men, then we can go our separate ways, and neither of us wants that.

As far as him saying he wants to ‘normalize it in the marriage’, but he’s not answering what that means.....I’ve heard of  non-straight spouses expressing wanting to explore their gay side (or terms like that), but not ‘normalize it’, so if it were me, I’d try to find out what that really means. Maybe let him know you want to understand him, and perhaps that will help him tell you.

Good luck, and post any time you want!

more
(((HUGS)))

Hi Hope,

Yes, find out what he means by normalise - my assumption is that means he wants you to accept him having sex with men.  Just the fact that you are here asking how can you prove you accept him means he is putting pressure on you to change things.

 

Hi.
Lily - this is not the case - this has already been discussed. Thank you
Tangled - yes this is what he meant. So it's not like a huge wedge between us and to treat it with humour and make it just a part of us . The more I read of your story Tangled , I feel that we are very similar
Good to talk to you
Hope

Last edited by Hope1965 (February 2, 2021 4:14 pm)