I'm still married (and completely monogamous)...but my situation is a bit different than yours in that there wasn't any infidelity or gay apps or anything like that. I wouldn't personally be able to get over that. I think it's really good that you're seeking trauma counseling and have someone to talk to about all of this. One thing I would advise anyone attempting a MOM is to make sure you're very clear about your boundaries...and the consequences if those boundaries are violated. Within minutes of my husband telling me he's bisexual, I was clear that I was not willing to alter my life or values in any way. Nearly two years later, nothing has changed (which I consider a good thing).

Take care. I know this isn't easy.

Last edited by Julian_Stone (January 21, 2021 6:08 pm)

Epiphany wrote:

Julian, how does your husband cope with his unmet needs? Is he resentful? Honesty is everything, communication key. I’m not sure I can get past the infidelity either. I’m hoping g counseling will help me see things clearer.

Since he's bisexual (and not gay), he is still primarily attracted to women....so, I'm not quite certain what those needs would be...or why he would be resentful. I am the one having the more difficult time with this being kept from me for years. We've always had a very active sex life — so I was truly blindsided. He doesn't have any experience with men. I told him if that was something he wanted to pursue, we could amicably split...but I would never agree to an open relationship...and he said he didn't want that either. The trust was fractured, but I do feel like our relationship has improved in other ways. So, I'm just taking it one day at a time.

We are both in our late 30s, married for over 9 years. I'm not sure about the testosterone factor, but I can understand why you might think there's a connection. It does seem more common in older men...though there may be other factors...since older straight men with lower testosterone don't suddenly turn gay. It could be boredom, depression, grass-is-greener syndrome...but it is definitely not a you problem...It's his issue...so try not to internalize it. Either way, it is something I worry about very much...the unpredictability of it...especially since I never saw it coming. I appreciate this forum because even though our stories are different in many ways...it's hard to deny the commonalities...(I'm also pretty resentful that I've had to find myself here, though!)
Many of us jump right into marriage counseling, and I think that's a mistake. I think you're doing it the right way...talking to someone one-on-one. I really wish I would have done that. Try to be as open and honest with the therapist and yourself—and put your needs first. I know that can be hard...especially for us women, I think. I've talked to a few women who become so wrapped up in their husband's sexuality—and this desperation to appease him—that they lose themselves. 
So, I would say: Draw your line in the sand. Don't do or agree to anything that makes you uncomfortable...and know how incredibly important your happiness is. 

Last edited by Julian_Stone (January 21, 2021 9:34 pm)

Thank you Tangled, I will check back...sorry you lost all that thought and effort, how frustrating!!! Julian, I will remember to not lose myself. I’ve decided though we are going to be working on us, that this is my time too. I’ve given everything to my family and in the process lost myself. My youngest is 12. My biggest fear through this all , if we had to divorce...was how in the world would I support myself? I’m a stay at home Mom now who has the luxury of being here constantly to help my family...watch my granddaughter on a whim (I’m only 41, young mother’s run in the family), help my son with homework, healthy habits and sports..be here for my 18 year old daughter as she navigates her future, cook healthy dinners, take care of all 4 of our pets, etc..  So the idea of having to go back to work full time in a job where I’d make $9 per hour, and lose all those benefits etc.. was scary. At my lowest moments though, I almost preferred that struggle to what I was going through. I told my husband that he has to be completely open and honest is he truly loves me...even if that’s telling me that he now prefers and needs a man at any point in our marriage. He will be going to counseling to help but he’s already been open and honest...disclosing the different moments over the years when his urges were stronger towards Men and what he did during that time, explaining that it’s almost years rather than months. Like 2 years of preferring men, then 2 years preferring women. We’ve discussed how we can help him through that in a way that we can stay Monogomous. Even though he’s been in a stretch of preferring Men, he is still attracted to women and to me. He is, at this point, definitely Bisexual. With all that said...I’ve also told him that I’ve given every piece of myself to this family but now is my time. I have given up school, singing and taking time for myself to even work out. I’ve decided I’m going to take classes for photography and start a career in real estate photography with family portraits, senior pics etc...as side work. The next few months, I am taking my time and my health back. This is going to be a time of empowerment for me because I REFUSE to feel this helpless if history ever repeats itself. I’ve decided if he is unfaithful one more time  I will not stay up all night crying but instead say “that’s it”. I believe he understands this all. It’s my hopes that we can continue to be connected on all levels and spend the rest of our years together and my hopes that with the veil torn off, that things just get better. If we have to go our separate ways though, I just need to make sure I’m strong enough to do so. So I am grateful to have this time to figure everything out.

Hi I am new here and still in shock and trying to figure things out. I just wanted to say in regards to transitioning from dependent stay at home mom to independent working mom, you will be surprised how far you can go and how fast. I had to do that when transitioning away from my ex who was abusive alcoholic. It was dangerous and hard but I did it. I moved two kids two dogs and two cats and started a business which is now successful. I would not go back for anything. You can do it, one step at a time.