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January 17, 2021 6:17 am  #1


Another time around- or time to get off the ride?

Hello all-

Thank you for all being so awesome. I need to know if I am crazy...

3rd time’s the charm. Third time that I know of beyond a shadow of a doubt, that is. Finally feel like I have just had enough and I am ready to walk.
I have to become super spy to find my partner using chats and video, and that’s as far as it goes. Never in person, but HOURS spent videoing/chatting/online cruising. I don’t want to be a policeman in my own relationship. I confronted, said we need to work it out, split up, but figure out how to make it work best so we both see the kids and help raise them.

Of course, the tears started failing. The incessant tears, and sadness and pleading. Begging to stay, to make things right, to fix things, asking why I waited to long to confront, why I didn’t speak up with things felt “off” (I confessed that sex has just never felt like I was WANTED- of course that is denied up and down). And honestly, I am totally thrown again.
Like usual, I tried to talk and reason, explain why I wanted out, and everything gets muddled.
“Why define him by this one factor? He’s a great man- a great husband, and great dad! We can work together, forgive, move on, and be stronger than ever. With God, we can pray and read our bibles and not let the devil ruin our marriage. Isn’t it worth fighting for?”

And honestly- yes. I wish and long for all of that.

But I also don’t want to give in, let my guard down, invest so much more time and energy, all the while knowing this is going to happen again.

The stress in my stomach and in my neck make it hard to sleep.

I am not perfect- I have sought attention (and got it) from other men- emotionally and physically. But now I wonder if it was always because I knew something wasn’t quite right?

Am I an absolute Bitch for wanting to get off the merry-go-round?
‘Cause it ain’t so merry.

Last edited by Deceivedandsad (January 17, 2021 6:19 am)

 

January 17, 2021 7:30 am  #2


Re: Another time around- or time to get off the ride?

See how you feel when you read what he's said through this lens:

He's desperate to preserve his closet and keep his beard.  He's playing on your sympathies.  He's blame-shifting (the old ploy of "it's not what I've done, it's your reaction to them"; accusing you by asking why it took "so long to confront").  He's minimizing (my desire for men is just one part of me). He's future faking (We can work together!).

And it's working: he has you questioning yourself and blaming yourself.  But it doesn't matter that you're "not perfect."  None of us is perfect.  Your behavior here is not at issue--having made mistakes or "sought attention" is not a reason to stay and subject yourself to a situation that is unacceptable to you. 

Remember this:
Pay attention to what he does, not what he says.  This is, you say, the "third time" you "know without a shadow of a doubt."  
The best guide to future behavior is past behavior.

Listen to yourself:
"3rd time's the charm...Finally feel that I have just had enough and am ready to walk...I don't want to be a policemen in my own relationship....I also don’t want to give in, let my guard down, invest so much more time and energy, all the while knowing this is going to happen again."



 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 17, 2021 7:32 am)

 

January 17, 2021 8:36 am  #3


Re: Another time around- or time to get off the ride?

your brain is finally regaining control. let it do its thing, and get off the ride. you'll jump off, and it will hurt. will leave scars, but once you're off, you can walk away from that ride. maybe find a smoother ride one day. 


it is, what it is. 
 

January 17, 2021 10:01 am  #4


Re: Another time around- or time to get off the ride?

Have to agree with others...you define him by the one factor because its the elephant in the room.

I know my GX would minimize things such as texting at dinner table.  So insignificant but she was calling me names while eating and saying she loved me.

Let's just say I no longer have to worry about what anyone is texting in my life...shouldn't have to.

Step back and watch his actions..will tell you all you need to know.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

January 17, 2021 11:41 am  #5


Re: Another time around- or time to get off the ride?

Dear DAS, I am so sorry you/we all are here. This sucks.
"I don’t want to be a policeman in my own relationship."

I don't like to micromanage my children. I don't want to follow a grown man around and check his timecard, devices, etc...Where is the trust in that?? I don't trust him, do you trust yours?

"Of course, the tears started failing. The incessant tears, and sadness and pleading. Begging to stay, to make things right, to fix things, asking why I waited to long to confront, why I didn’t speak up with things felt “off” (I confessed that sex has just never felt like I was WANTED"

This was EXACTLY my story the past 2 weeks. I asked him why he didn't confront and why he turned to gay porn and chat rooms when he felt something was off. I have maintained with him that he had 19 years past the first disclosure to make this right; he's had 22 years past gaslighting me on our honeymoon to figure this out. I do not want to give him 23 years of my life.

"With God, we can pray and read our bibles and not let the devil ruin our marriage. Isn’t it worth fighting for?”

We tried to "pray the gay away", at least I did, for 19 years. I don't believe he truely started prayinging until 2 weeks ago when I said the word, D-I-V-O-R-C-E. What therapy is he taking? I thought, "What books is he reading?" What steps is he taking to care for me as well? Sometimes God doesn't remove the thorn from our side. He didn't for Daniel. But He can give us grace and strength. You brought up your faith; so I will tell you that I've turned it over to God and He has got me!!! He has a plan for me to do, I have no idea what, and I am looking forward ,not going back.

"But I also don’t want to give in, let my guard down, invest so much more time and energy, all the while knowing this is going to happen again."

Like OOHC said, "The best guide of future behavior is past behavior." I never get as angry as I get at myself as when I think of his next business trip and me sitting alone at home and wondering where he is, where he REALLY is, and who he may be with and will there be intimacy this time. I could spit fire that I could allow myself to get hurt like that again. Self-preserve girl!!

Merry-go-round is not fun when you're ill from it. Your body's telling you to get off. Take care of YOU!

 

January 17, 2021 12:26 pm  #6


Re: Another time around- or time to get off the ride?

DAS,

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this again. 

Once I found out about my husband’s cheating (he did physically cheat as well as online), he quit (so far...I can’t ever say it’s forever and he can’t either, so it’s ‘one day at a time’).. Anyway, that is imperative in our reconciliation. I made a contract and set boundaries, and if any of those are broken, we’re through. So, only the very important ones are on there, of course 😉. With us, the first one is, “No sex with anyone (of any kind) except me”. Have you set boundaries? For instance, if I were you, and the sexting, etc was going on (and, to me, that is cheating, too. My husband even says when he did it, it was cheating since when/if he found someone, he was out the door, ‘doing’ it), I would put that at the top of my list of boundaries “No online sexting, etc” —spelled out, of course, because they are very good at going around things. 
This way, if it happens again, you already have your plan in place. There are no: what if’s.

The other things have mostly been addressed, so I’ll stop here. I tend to ramble.

All the best to you.

((((HUGS))))

 

January 17, 2021 12:46 pm  #7


Re: Another time around- or time to get off the ride?

“Why define him by this one factor? He’s a great man- a great husband, and great dad! We can work together, forgive, move on, and be stronger than ever. With God, we can pray and read our bibles and not let the devil ruin our marriage. Isn’t it worth fighting for?”

Great husbands don't spend their time watching gay porn & getting off with strangers on the Internet. Neither the devil (nor any other mythical creature) propelled him do that. It was a conscious decision he made on his own (over and over again).

In the future, he'll just be better at hiding it. I stumbled onto some subreddit once where men were giving each other tips on how to hide apps (and other down-low activities) from their wives...disturbing on so many levels.


 

 

January 18, 2021 5:02 pm  #8


Re: Another time around- or time to get off the ride?

Why define him by this one factor?  Because this one factor is what causes him to repeatedly break his marriage vows and hurt you.  

My husband thought he wanted divorced, then backed out. Then when I started discussing it, he suddenly wanted to "work on us" but much like MyExodus pointed out--where is the work?  He's not in personal therapy anymore, he hasn't asked me to join him for marriage counseling, and I've only asked for or mentioned a few things over the last year (not all specifically related to this whole nightmare, but some is) and not one thing that I need has been addressed.  He bought some self-help/marriage book (gave it to me for Christmas actually) and said we could work through it together.  Yeah, ok.  He hasn't mentioned it since.  I've skimmed through it, so I know he's not quietly doing anything it suggests on his own either, either.  

I say all this because -- you know the truth as well as I do.  This isn't your first time around.  It's hard to break away, but at some point, I'd rather chew off my own arm than die in the trap.  

Last edited by ThisTooShallPass (January 18, 2021 5:03 pm)

 

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