Hi Blindsided. I’m in a long term marriage too but to a bisexual man who may be headed towards identifying as gay. We love eachother deeply and I find myself asking some of the same questions as you. My advantage I supppse, is that I married him aware he was bisexual and have slowly been given clues over time that have allowed my heart and mind more time to deal. The similarities are that I am too coming to the realization that my soulmate and I may need to some day divorce. I’ve spent nights awake crying, heart palpitations, hyperventilating, a mess. What you and I are both going through is grief. It’s immense, traumatic pain. My sister-in-law lost her 13 year old son in September. I’ve been with her through it and have learned this.

1.) you need to lean into your grief and just let it be at times. Accept that it’s ok if you can’t function at times. When your heart can’t handle it, tell yourself to put it away for awhile...that you will deal with it another time.

2.) get a counselor and lean on a close friend. Share here often. People are important, we get eachother through the hard times.

3.) protect yourself and prepare if divorce seems to be your new reality. Talk to a lawyer, get copies of all financial information. Maybe do this while he’s gone.

What you are going through is more intense and faster paced than what I’m going through. You are probably in shock as you really were blindsided. You will hurt for awhile but then you might get angry. He cheated. He explored outside your marriage and put himself in a position to fall in love with another person. It’s ok for him to explore (porn, communication etc), it’s not ok for him to cheat. When your anger comes, allow it to strengthen you.

You will come out of this stronger eventually but in the meantime it’s ok to not be strong.

I’m in this with you,
Epiphany

He told me PG, so in my mind that is anything but anal.  I also found a love letter from the man to my husband and the wording was kinda specific as to what they have done sexually.  I did not know he was the man my husband stayed with until I found that letter and his name was on it.  I am not okay with him seeing this man, but I think he will do it no matter what.  In the end, his feelings for this man will trump the feelings for me.  I know if he is made to pick between us, I would lose.

Blindsided welcome, we're all here to help. Your husband has been honest with you....probably not 100% but as hard as it may be to hear you're luckier than some who get little if any truth. 
Yep...read the First Aid thread....then as well as this Forum you need to talk about this. Somebody with a non-judgmental ear. This'll be overwhelming for a while but when your feet are standing on ground that doesn't feel like you're going to fall you'll be able to make decisions more clearly

Warm Straight Hugs

Elle

Hi Blindsided, I'm sorry that you find yourself here.  We know how soul crushing it is.  

I have a somewhat similar background.  Met him shortly after high school, had a "happy" marriage, and I too was blindsided.  We were married 14 years, it's now been almost 10 months since he told me he's attracted to men and wants to explore that side of his sexuality.

Our journey since then has been different, he's now back to not really addressing his sexuality (bi, gay, no label?? does it even matter??) and implying he wants to "work on us" but the fact is...the damage has been done.  Actions speak louder than words after all. The marriage and life I had with this man are effectively dead, and he's given me no reason to stay and "work on us" so I had to let my head catch up with my heart, as I've seen it described on here. 

For now...we sit...in neutral.  I don't know what his plan/intention is, but my plan is to get my ducks in a row, figure out the logistics of taking care of myself and four kids...I will be ready for divorce if/when the time comes, and may very well be the one to pull the trigger first.  

Because like someone already said - we shouldn't have to play the Pick Me Dance.  There's only room for TWO people in a marriage, and unfortunately your husband has admitted that there is a third person in yours.  I believe the LGBTQ partner "voluntarily discloses" this type of information when they feel the reward (in your husband's case, the relationship with this other man) is greater than the risk (hurting you, destroying his marriage).  Why else would they drop this kind of bomb into their marriage bed? 

"How do I find the strength to let him go and live his true self and find a way to move on and find happiness again? 

You are likely going to explore a full range of strong emotions.  I've experienced shock, denial, anger, bitterness, sadness.  I think it's all part of dealing with trauma.  I stayed in bed for days, had weird dreams, went through energetic bursts where I threw myself into cleaning or exercising, found myself binge eating, had panic attacks, cried, picked fights with him, and so much more. Your feelings are real and valid, so just let yourself feel them, but don't let yourself be consumed by them.  

The rest, I guess we do one day at a time.  Find time to journal, come here to talk, find a therapist if you haven't already, confide in a trusted friend or family member (my panic attacks decreased significantly when I finally told my sister), get plenty of rest, don't forget to eat healthy.  Start thinking about what you can do for your future.  Consider getting legal advise so you know what your options are when he returns and the discussion comes up. Knowledge is power.  I have started doing little things--getting my own bank account, a credit card without his name, working on my resume, combing through the finances little by little.  I may not be "ready" but I'm not feeling as desperate as I did in the beginning.  The more you take care of yourself, the better you will start to feel.  I haven't reached the point of happiness again, but I don't think it's unattainable. 

No matter what I do or say, he wants to explore this side of him. I am either in, or out.  He will have this man join him on his trip and I can't do a damn thing about it. I think these 3 wks apart will allow me time to process and realize he is out for himself, no matter the cost. He is no longer mine.  It hurts so bad, but I need to come to terms with it and find the strength to move on.  I don't want to share his love with someone else. I deserve better.