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    January 10, 2021 11:13 am  #1

    Epiphany
    Member

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    How do you do this?

    Hi. I’m brand new and just coming to the realization that my husband and I need counseling because of years of secretive actions on his end, exploring his desires for men. I married him knowing he was bisexual but his desires seem to go back and forth. Sometimes he wants women/me more but currently we are in a sexless marriage for 4 years now and I’ve recently found very direct messages on his phone to other men.

    We have work to do. I don’t know what we will learn but I’m coming to the realization that divorce, something I never imagined, might become a reality for us down the road. What I cannot get over at this point, is the betrayal. No matter what his desires, he’s cheated on me...physically kissed both another woman and another man (that’s all he told me) , and fishing for relationships online. I suspect there’s a lot more to the story. I’m not sure how much I’m ready to know. We are going to go to counseling after our weekend trip away for his 40th Birthday (with friends). I also cannot get over the fact that all passion is gone between us rn. We’ve been in a sexless marriage for 4 years now.

    My question to you all. Is how do you make a marriage work when there’s betrayal and lack of intimacy? Do you stay abstinent for eachother? Have an open marriage? What drove you to the decision to stay rather than leave and possibly find another mate? Is it love? Convenience? Family?

    I’m asking because we do love eachother so very much. We are soulmates for sure...though I do believe it’s possible to have more than one soulmate. I don’t know what I want and what I’m willing to work with at this point. I’m just starting to explore my options. At this point I’m completely dependent on him financially with no degree, and a stay at home Mom. Our youngest is a 12 year old boy. Our kids would never expect anything to be wrong as our family life is so good, our relationship strong with the exception of intimacy.

    I want to move forward with love, no matter what tears and heartache it brings. I appreciate any insight, advice or support. Thank you!!

     

    January 10, 2021 2:36 pm  #2

    Dutchman
    Member

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    Re: How do you do this?

    The first question is what you both want with the marriage. Does your husband want to continue the marriage? If so, can he make clear why he wants that? What kind of relation do you want to have, and can you both agree on that? 
    Only then it's meaningful to think about whether this is possible and how to achieve this. 


     

     

    January 10, 2021 3:13 pm  #3

    Epiphany
    Member

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    Re: How do you do this?

    Hi Dutchman. I did speak to him a short while ago. He said he wants to continue trying with us. I didn’t think to ask why. I just assumed it’s because he loves me and our life together. I told him he needs to ask if monogamy  something he can do because if not, I don’t think I can do an open marriage. We will be going to counseling. He said he’s still attracted to women so I do believe he is bisexual rather than gay. He’s always been attracted to women as far as I know...I just didn’t realize the extent of his continued attraction to men. He’s been sending messages and pictures back and forth with men. Just admitted to cheating on me with a man (oral, not Intercourse) while traveling when he was 26. I told him, it seems you are still looking for that. He admitted it I guess by nodding his head yes. I’m not sure where this road will take us. I’m trying to ask myself what I’m willing to deal with and not deal with. I’m completely dependent on him financially, we have a beautiful family. It would be hard to choose either path I suppose. Thank you for your insight and direction, it’s very helpful.

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