Dear Lookingforthelight,

I am sorry you are going through this.  It seems like a crazy mind bender.  Sometimes I wonder if people who are going through this are just in their heads too much?  I mean, we all feel masculine and feminine at times.  I have had passing desire for the same sex and feel masculine at times.  I guess the difference is with some people is the desire becomes too strong....compulsion....
In a way, we are all dealing with a spouse who isn't straight and we are so there is some part of them that is foreign to us.  
I also really love my husband.  We get a long well and he is a good father to our son.  I'm just not sure if love can be enough.  I am trying to figure it all out and the good thing is we have a REALLY honest relationship right now....almost painfully so, but I think I would rather have that than secretive behavior on his part.  I wish you peace and good luck!

Sonata wrote:

Dear Lookingforthelight,

I am sorry you are going through this.  It seems like a crazy mind bender.  Sometimes I wonder if people who are going through this are just in their heads too much?  I mean, we all feel masculine and feminine at times.  I have had passing desire for the same sex and feel masculine at times.  I guess the difference is with some people is the desire becomes too strong....compulsion....
In a way, we are all dealing with a spouse who isn't straight and we are so there is some part of them that is foreign to us.  
I also really love my husband.  We get a long well and he is a good father to our son.  I'm just not sure if love can be enough.  I am trying to figure it all out and the good thing is we have a REALLY honest relationship right now....almost painfully so, but I think I would rather have that than secretive behavior on his part.  I wish you peace and good luck!

We sound very similar. Same overly honest relationship and conversations. And I also have wondered about the “too in their heads” aspect. My husband is in academia and has always been interested in gender. He has been vegetarian for about 7 years, because he studied the crap out of food. And I wonder if people are capable of convincing themselves of anything if they study it too hard.

I get angry sometimes but I do understand he isn’t doing this TO me, but it is in spite of me- and I am suffering. We ripped the bandaid off and it hasn’t been as drastic as I envisioned. But like today, he is wearing jeans, a women’s rainbow shirt, and a long necklace. The necklace bothers me, because the shirt is feminine- so I feel like it would be more reasonable to wear it shorter. But it doesn’t feel like he is willing to compromise much- and should he? It’s his identity- the most personal thing possible. How can it be determined by someone else, even if you love them? At the same time, shouldn’t it bother him if I am not sexually attracted to him? And is it a problem with ME if the length of a stupid necklace turns me off?

The compulsion is real. I had to set a certain time of the day when I will talk about his identity. Because he was bringing things up at the breakfast table in front of our 4 year old. And now- all the sudden- he spends like an hour in the bathroom getting ready. Sometimes I catch him staring at his reflection while he is talking to me. I think he is trying to figure out what looks good, and he’s trying to to make sense of himself. But I’m thinking...Fancy yourself much? I, like you, have quite a few masculine parts to me. And I spend about 5 minutes getting ready in the morning and always have. So this new compulsion feels...petty? Even though I understand it is about so much more than clothing...I don’t share the same concern for my own clothing or expression.

ThisTooShallPass wrote:

Lookingforthelight wrote:

We sound very similar. Same overly honest relationship and conversations. And I also have wondered about the “too in their heads” aspect. My husband is in academia and has always been interested in gender. He has been vegetarian for about 7 years, because he studied the crap out of food. And I wonder if people are capable of convincing themselves of anything if they study it too hard.

In the beginning, we talked about so much, that I think the sudden flow of honesty made him feel a sudden freedom.  That he could then say and do things without consequence, because I was going to be so accepting.  When he realized that wasn't exactly the case, he slowly stopped sharing things with me.  He accused me of "using it against him" if I brought it up in future conversations.  I think he realized, being honest isn't a free pass to do and say what one wants, and there was guilt over the pain it was causing me.  So now he thinks if he doesn't talk about it, I don't know, and we can ignore the elephant in the room.  

I don't have the same experience (my husband is attracted to men, but is adamant he doesn't understand or have any desire for cross-dressing, transitioning, etc.) but I do understand the fear of giving your child a broken family.

My parents split when I was two, so it was all I have ever known, and it was still terribly difficult.  It was the last thing I ever wanted for my kids, but here I am, trying to work up to filing for divorce.  

At some point, it can no longer be about what the spouse wants/needs, but what WE need.  What do you need from this marriage?  You've already lost the husband you thought you had.  You've already lost the marriage you thought you had.  What if he does decide to transition?  What if he changes his name?  What more are you willing to concede?  Are you willing to lose your self in this too? Are you willing to compromise your own sexual identity (as a heterosexual) by being in a marriage with a non-binary person whose outfit puts you in tears?  Let alone their behaviors?

When I realized I wasn't giving my kids MY best, because I was so focused on my husband, then my perspective shifted.  What good is a two-parent home when at least one of us is pretty much at rock bottom all the time?  I told him I can't continue to react to him, it's time for me to be proactive.  I cannot live like this anymore.

I have read that when an LGBQT person comes out, they go through "gay adolescence" phase, where they act like a teenager--they only care about themselves, and don't have the ability to see how their actions affect others.  Your husband is probably experiencing a lot of that right now.  He's suppressed that part of himself for long and "finally" gets to acknowledge it and do something with it.  And it obviously doesn't matter how that affects you.  

Take care of yourself.  Take care of your child.  One day at a time may be all you can muster, but know that we are here for you.

Thank you for this! The impact of that honesty seems to be exactly as you described. When we initially were looking at clothes together so that I could be *more*comfortable (and have a sense of what to expect), then I was almost required to be ok with it because I was complicit- even though I never felt totally ok with it. So we stopped involving me, but now I have anxiety about what it is he is going to wear. I hear the washing machine going and I’m thinking...oh. He’s doing laundry. What’s he going to wear to breakfast?  And there is a sense of “using it against him” because he is trying to figure things out, and is verbalizing his thoughts to me. So he may say something one day and then the next change his mind, but I hold it against him. I can’t be both his wife and sounding board as he decides all of this. But as his best friend, it’s hard to set those boundaries. I want to support him as an individual but how can I possibly separate that from the sense that my life may be crumbling?

And the LGBTQ “adolescence” is spot on. He’s buying all these clothes and is almost GLOWING because he feels comfortable in his skin.Sure he feels bad for me, and has wiped many of my tears. But he doesn’t feel bad enough to deny himself the joy of becoming himself. Meanwhile it takes everything in me to roll out of bed and teach my kid addition.

The questions you ask are good, and are the very ones I am grappling with. How far can I bend til I break? Could I learn to see gender as more of a spectrum? As of now, no- I am not getting what I need. But I always have in the past. It has been only a month, so I *hope* some of this will level out.

Actually, he already changed his name. He changed his name 6 months before this. And what he told me, and what I truly believed he thought, was that it came to him in a sort of “spiritual experience.” It was the name of an ancestor (he’s big into ancestry), and the meaning of the name itself more closely aligned with his person. At the time he did actually mention that it felt less masculine(although it is still a male name in my opinion). While that part of his explanation did catch my attention, I still never imagined this was to follow. I thought that part made sense given his study of “toxic masculinity.” He wrote a manifesto about the name change, and I was very accepting. I even ordered him a mug and personalized watch! His parents were NOT ok with it, and to make a long story short, him changing what he wanted to be called was an absolute nightmare in that regard. The relationship with his parents has not and probably will not heal based on the name change alone. Just wait until they catch wind of all of this.

I certainly haven’t been my best self, and yes- there may come a point when that feels more permanent. And if that becomes permanent, we will separate for the sake of my daughter.

I never would have imagined a divorce either. I mean I guess no one does- but we were really happy. I’m sorry you are in the position to have to think about filing- and having the experience of divorced parents probably gives you an added layer to it. I hope you are taking care of yourself too. How long has this journey been going on for you? I need to look at your story.  My heart breaks for all of us.