Sonata wrote:

My husband is being very honest.  He admits to thinking about the other guy about once a week and being hit with a rush of desire.  He can't make these feelings go away but says he is not in love with the guy.  I am not really hurt at this point, just curious and wondering what this all means for our relationship?  He is not seeing the other man....still trying to figure it all out.  

 

Men don't view r'ships like women do because how can your husband think just because he's not ' in love' with another man.., the physical r'ship he must surely think about ( with the other man, even though he says there's no contact, and only thinks about him once a week )  should in no way hurt the r'ship he has with you?

Elle

CaliGirl28 wrote:

My husband recently admitted that he is bisexual.  Of course a shocking revelation as I had no idea.  He states that men indeed do not view relationships the same as women.  To him his relationship with me is emotional whereby his thoughts of men is purely sexual.  I too am trying to work through what this means for our marriage.  

I don't believe that men universally have a different view of relationships. I believe there are people who like monogamy—and others who don't. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is what *you* want your marriage to look like. If your husband told you that his attraction to his female co-worker was purely sexual (but he loves you), would you give him the green light to explore that attraction? I think sometimes we get so caught up in the orientation...but, at the end of the day, it is still your spouse rationalizing having sex with someone else. 

like others have said, the orientation shouldn't matter. its the thoughts and acts, regardless of with who. im noticing on this forum as very heavy women with gay husband. my heart goes out to you all. breaks my heart wishing that all of you, could have been with all us men that is here. i can't imagine ever not loving my ex. not ever wishing it wouldn't have happened. in my heart, i'll always wish we could get back together. but just like all the women here.....it was in a life of lies. period. dishonesty is not defined just by vocalizing. omission is just as bad. i wonder how many people that stay, truly live their best lives. 
one time of deceit or lies should be enough. but often it's not. my ex cheated on me 6 months into our 11 year relationship. i shouldn't have tolerated it. but i did. i loved her. but it never left my mind or heart. though all our great times, there would be triggers to remind me. that's my only advice. i stayed for love the first time, and it never truly went away. then she left me for a woman. that will never go away. for me, going away is the best option, regardless of the reality that my heart refuses to accept. 

Sonata wrote:

My husband is being very honest.  He admits to thinking about the other guy about once a week and being hit with a rush of desire.  He can't make these feelings go away but says he is not in love with the guy.  I am not really hurt at this point, just curious and wondering what this all means for our relationship?  He is not seeing the other man....still trying to figure it all out.  

I get the impression it's going in a good direction. Not there yet, but that can't be expected.
It's wonderful that he's open and honest about his feelings, also it's not surprising he still has those thoughts.
Which are probably moments of a struggle for him. And for you too, it's not that easy to hear.

I found it complicated to find the right balance, because if you tell it hurts, the other might become wary of being open, not to hurt you. 
But keeping it to yourself is not right as well. That's the opposite of the openness you want to achieve in the relation, and builds up internal stress.
It helps to have (a) good friend(s) you can talk to, someone you can trust and has the wisdom to listen without judgement or fast jumping to conclusions.
Openness and honesty must always prevail in the end, but it may need some throttling. It's sometimes an emotional roller coaster, that's unavoidable, but the passengers shouldn't be flipped out of their seats. In our relation we had a few close calls with deciding to divorce when it became too intense, too much to process.

His bi sexuality will always be a part of who he is. He has to work out in a real way how he will handle this side of him, if it's to be combined with being in a monogamous marriage with you.
The choice he makes, and knowing WHAT that choice is and WHY he makes it. With total clarity to himself and understanding what it means. Also realizing what great value he has in you and focus on that, considering less (and less) important what he doesn't has. But like you wrote: "still trying to figure it all out". That goes for both.
In our experience these are the key factors that 'feelings' will eventually follow. Feelings that align will grow, feelings in other directions will diminish.
The fun part of it: it's not denying or suppressing sexual orientation. One can be totally authentic and honest to him/herself and spouse, without unwanted feelings and urges wreaking havoc.
Just the normal kick one can sometimes feel when one sees someone attractive and appealing. Like everybody experiences at times, a fleeting moment that's rather pleasurable but without intention of pursuing. That shouldn't be a challenge in a good relation.

But it takes time for it to fall into place. It has to be(come) real, not superficial. Conviction not intention.
Talking, openness, honesty, emotional connectedness, feeling accepted, all develop during the difficult years. Maybe born out of necessity but are there to stay (it would be silly to stop that )