ok so my advice is listen to yourself re-read your post what are you saying - stunning that she expects you to stay home for three years while she goes off dating.  I am angry about it on your behalf!   

I think you have to accept that she is not your soulmate and take on all the shock and deception and questioning of belief entailed in that.  It's women she is attracted to.

You are not crazy to consider staying in the marriage, there is a lot to grieve in your shared life and the horrific turmoil of divorce to face, the uncertainty of the future - the simple fact that like the rest of our species we don't like change, none of us, it's unsettling.

The bit of your post that I think you should read ten times over is "I can feel loneliness creeping into my mind."  That, I am sorry to say, is reality seeping in through the cracks in the wallpaper.  That's the straight spouse experience.  The slowly dawning recognition that we are alone in the marriage, it's been real for us but not for our GID spouse.

You have found us here, we share a commonality of experience and form an independent platform from which to have your own thoughts and consider what is happening in your life rather than being managed by your one and only who clearly has considered she has you where she wants you - this is an act of rebellion from her perspective - you will find yourself being love-bombed back into line.  This beats being stomped on by a country mile but once you are back in line, once you have relaxed and being nice to her again, then it's over and you are back to picking up the pieces.

I know now I was being talked into putting my life on hold over and again but I didn't realise that at the time - my personal feeling is not to put my life on hold, that is the instinct I have, never to do it and I would never want to put another person's life on hold either.

As Lily says, your spouse might try to love bomb you back into line and pretend like she's changed her mind on her sexuality. There's also the potential for a darker side you might not believe could exist. Be wary, be careful, be organized. Don't make a hasty reaction that can be used against you. (For example, in some cases, moving out can be construed as abandonment. A casual date with another, infidelity.) Protect your son but that also means protecting yourself. Remember you want him to look back on this and be proud of your actions.

In my opinion, what is currently being offered to you is abusive. It's not marriage, certainly not love. It sounds like you get to be the sacrifice while she does not offer one concession on her part.

Stay strong, it really bites but it is possible to come out of this.

Wow I cannot thank you all enough. It is so nice to feel part of a community during this tough time.  I have been so isolated and those few people I did tell ( my dad and a couple of friends) while sympathetic cannot relate.

Lilly your words meant more to me than I can begin to express.  I did go back and reread my post and can see your points. She claims no interest in dating right now, and wants to just be a family and take things a day at a time.  But I see her make all kinds of efforts to hang out with her new friends even taking days off of work to go for walks with them. She has stopped wearing her rings and when I point that out to her she said “ oh I keep forgetting to put them back on” But has not put them on again yet. I keep telling myself to pay attention to her actions not her words. 

I am going to keep myself guarded and start working on my divorce filing this week. I may keep the ring on a bit longer as it seems to spark her ire and I’d like to keep the her from retaliating. She has a tendency to say call me out in front of my son or make me feel like I am being dramatic or overly sensitive. I think for my son it would be best to spend the next few months in the most stable home I can provide. If that mean wearing my ring and appearing to go along with her plan while I get organized so be it. I am pretty sure she is ( although not being honest about it) doing the same with her friends. 

I am going to stop talking to her about planing together for the divorce . A couple of days ago when I asked to talk about it she said it w financially difficulty and I was being irritating. Wow, I thought. If she had ask me that  I would have be heartbroken and asked what we could do to work on things and been reassuring. Our whole marriage she has told me I am moody and talk about my feelings too much. 

Thank you all so much. Your words mean everything to me. I hope I can be here for you all and give some of the hope and empathy you’ve given to me. 

-Backpacker Dad

Thanks Backpacker and good for you - recognising there is a difference between what she is saying and what she is doing is really good and you sound like you have a lot of strength.

not wearing the rings is an emotional indication of involvement with someone else.  I think you are being super-wise in keeping your own counsel.  

my ex was siphoning off cash out of our joint account and stashing it in a private account in just his name for a long time before I realised.  

I can't believe I let him get away with it but I did.  Well I know why I did - it gave him something to protect from discovery and that made him more amenable to signing off on a separation agreement rather than fighting it out in court.

these are such tough yards, it is a shock that deepens as you learn more and I just have a lot of sympathy and wishing you lots of fortitude.



 

In March 2019, I discovered my now ex-wife of 15 years (three kids, ages 7, 10 and 13 as of today) was having a secret affair with a woman who had become entirely too close to her.  Here's my advice.

GET OUT.  You are nothing but a stage prop in your wife's life.  You said "I can't help but feel jealous and that she is just using me as support till she is ready to be fully out to her family and our kids".  And that's because that's exactly what she's doing.  And if she's hanging out with lesbian friends, I all but guarantee you that it won't be long until she starts something physical with them if that hasn't happened already.  Plan your exit, consult with an attorney, pull together all of your latest financial statements.  You need to look out for yourself and be the rock for your kid.

I'm much happier now than married to a lesbian (seems like that should be obvious, right?).  Glad to chat if you want to PM me.  Good luck.