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December 29, 2020 3:26 pm  #11

Re: Feeling lonely and confused

It's so unreal how these partners of ours can be so selfish and self indulged, not seeing the wrong in their infidelity. I'm struggling with this myself, and can relate to how you are feeling and not wanting it to continue as gaurenteed it will, the truth is these types want their cake and be able to eat it while they portray a life which is not real to cover their sexuality. My therapist asked me if I could stay in a marriage and be comfortable with it being an "open marriage " in that moment it was clear to me, as my answer was so easy and clear - no , as that is not what marriage means to me.....don't let her bully you, you are worth more than that - love yourself and make sure that your beliefs count too.


December 29, 2020 3:37 pm  #12

Re: Feeling lonely and confused

Hi everyone, I'm new on the group and its so amazing  that there is this forum to share in these stories to which I can relate - makes being a straight spouse a much less lonely and scary place.

I'm struggling with the behavior of a closeted according to him "bi sexual" man who sees nothing wrong with same sex partners which constitutes adulatory in my books. Yet this person who was my knight in shining armor , who could not be at fault and was my fairytale come true and my hapily ever after .... Until I caught him out on his lie....... I'm struggling so much with how every interaction can be turned into an opportunity for him to make me the villain - me the person that "destroyed" our family- just because I found the courage to say no more.....how does a person reason or agree anything with someone who is out to destroy you as a human being ... Someone that married them under false pretenses and then expected to be their beard with no questions asked.


December 29, 2020 8:11 pm  #13

Re: Feeling lonely and confused

Broken dreams wrote:

....how does a person reason or agree anything with someone who is out to destroy you as a human being ...

You can't. You get away asap and go no contact. (Assuming you haven't already done so.)
If you are unable to exit at this time, I'd suggest keeping under the radar while you work on that.
Research toxic narcissists so you know what you might expect to see.
(Apologies if I'm making too many assumptions about your future plans.)


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

December 30, 2020 1:56 pm  #14

Re: Feeling lonely and confused

Thanks Brian, I have exited , however no contact is difficult with 2 minor children, thanks for the tip on dealing with narcissistic toxity - I'm in the thick of this currently!


January 1, 2021 10:41 am  #15

Re: Feeling lonely and confused

Understood, you'll have to try to keep your interactions strictly confined to co-parenting items. He will try the opposite. Perhaps try things like text messages where you can ignore all but the most important ones. Methods where you are not obligated to respond in the moment. Definitely do some reading. Do not allow yourself to be devalued for having a moral center. You might want to start your own thread on this very topic and collect any tips others might have in one easy to find place.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

January 1, 2021 12:37 pm  #16

Re: Feeling lonely and confused

Brian, I am sorry to hear this. These stories strain my heart, being either one or two years post disclosure from my wife - depending on whether you count the year of lying.

If she is changing her mind about who she is, I don't have to imagine the feelings of retroactive doubt about what your life was up until now. What helped my wife and me, in addition to innumerable talks, crying, vulnerability, and much else, was taking in and taking seriously (when we were ready) the free tools at affairrecovery.


They helped us work through certain things and communicate. It also helped me to hear people describe their feelings and it ring so true for how I felt. You can also see some of their videos on youtube.

I was in the darkest and most tormented place I could imagine for much of 2020. Frankly, I would rather die than relive it. I almost decided to end it several times than face another day of it. Every waking moment was painful like I had never felt. I mention this to say that, for me, things did start to get better. I worked hard toward forgiving her and managed to do it in May. There are a lot of articles and videos about forgiveness on that website you may want to watch. It alleviated a decent amount of strain. Building trust and, if I am being honest, self-confidence, is taking much longer. I may never see her, our relationship, or myself, the same as I once did - back when I was ignorant.

Whatever path she chooses, I hope you can work it out amicably. I work for a divorce attorney - save yourself a fortune and work through the 'uncontested' method, if that exists in your state. It will save you a fortune and work out about the same - except with less pain and suffering.

Last edited by UserNada (January 1, 2021 12:39 pm)


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