Hello. I'm sorry to keep posting, but I had the dreams about her again last night. For the last month or so, I have been having dreams about her every other night. They are always the same. We are together somewhere, but I can't see her. I always know it's her, but I see her as a blank person or as someone else. I know it must be something subconscious telling me I don't know who she really is. I wish it would stop. Does anyone else experience this?

I guess I have realized that this is mostly about me trying to figure out the mystery of who she is. I don't want to be back with her. I don't really even miss being with her. I have just become obsessed in figuring her out. I guess there may be a bit of jealousy on my part that she has moved on. I know that will pass. It's already much less than it was a year ago.

If I could share a bit more about our history, maybe someone might understand what type of person she is. I feel bad that this is basically my word against hers, but I am being 100% honest.

When we met online, she told me she realized she knew my Mother. She and her Family only lived about two minutes from me our whole lives. We had very similar families. We also had a lot in common. As we got to know each other, she confessed that she knew me from my senior High school picture my Mother had shown her years earlier at church. She said at 14 years old, she saw my picture and had a crush on me. In all the years that passed, she had been to college, I had been to college, she had been in several relationships (all with men that I KNEW of) until we finally happened to meet. She was 26 or 27 when we met. I was 32 I think. She said she always wondered what had happened to me, and she was so excited to be with me. I found it odd that she seemed to have this obsession with me all those years, wondering where I was and if I was with anyone. This is why I never would have suspected she was gay. She always talked about crushes on strange guys. Never the "hot" type of guys that the other girls seemed to like. When we had an argument about a month into our relationship, I told her maybe we shouldn't be together. She freaked out! She cried, begged me to please never leave her. She wanted me to move in with her right away. About a month later, we were talking about marriage and I told her I didn't know if that was something I wanted to do or was ready for. She freaked out even more that time. She was screaming at me she said "Am I just wasting my time? If this isn't going anywhere, we might as well not be together." Which contradicted what she has said before. She also said "This is it for me. I have been in too many relationships that have ended and this is not gong to happen again!" She almost made me feel guilted into staying. I was honestly a little scared of her at that point. Somehow, we stayed together and I grew to understand how she was and love her. This was my very first relationship, so I'm sure me being so naive had a lot to do with it. I just saw her a a young woman who had been hurt by guys before, and wanted to hold onto a "good guy". I really thought she adored me. That's how it seemed. As it turns out, I guess she wanted to hold onto me for her own selfish reasons. 

I used to say of a woman I knew "She never found herself: she just found somebody else."  

This kind of relationships won't go well even without same-sex issues because life with a needy person can suck you dry. You can give and give and give and it will never be enough. The woman I knew is in her 60's now and has been married at least 3 times with probably more relationships that did not lead to the altar. I've not seen her for several years and don't know her marital status now but coming out of marriages and relationships we all are are at risk. That's one reason why counseling if helpful to get us back on our feet and with clear vision.  

Hello all. It has been a good while since I have posted. I just wanted to update. More to just get it out there. I knew the day would come when she would contact me again, and it happened yesterday. As usual, it was completely self serving. She wants to see me so badly, just to show off the weight she lost. She had to tell me where she was moving even thought I didn't want to know. I am at least glad it is across the country from me.

She had the nerve to say "I look very different now. I probably wouldn't be your type anymore lol" I told her there is no reason for us to see each other or be in contact. I said to put all my stuff in a box and leave it on my porch when I am not there. I hope once she does move in November, I can finally have no contact at all. She seemed a bit upset when I told her that, but oh well. I have finally stopped feeling guilty for not being nice to her. She doesn't care about me, just wants to rub it in that she is thin, has someone and is moving to a nice sunny area. She has what she has always wanted. She tries to act like everything is perfect with her, but I know she will n ever be happy either. She is just not mentally stable. It will be nice to go out in my area with no fear of running into her.

Really proud of you pittguy.. 
It took me sometime to realize my ex was not my friend pre divorce. And stop trying to communicate with her.
It was really hard..i was so dependent on her.  I think we all become codependent to some degree on our spouses.
She became so cruel though that no contact was best and still is.

So jealous you won't run into her.
Let her go live her gay life and leave you alone..just go away.

PittGuy76, reading what you wrote sent me back a number of years.  This year marks #15 since we split, and in some ways it seems like yesterday.  I loved his family like my own.  It was so difficult to watch what his choices did to them. He lied to them for so many years, in so many ways.  When his partner moved in and his family visited, he would actually have his partner go to a hotel so his family could come stay with him and see his success in his new life.  It was gut wrenching to hold that bag of issues, every time I saw them after they visited, and it got so damn heavy.  I even spent energy in "friendship", trying to convince him to do the right thing and tell his family the truth.  Instead, he lied, and I actually got to hold the space of explaining why we, "the perfect couple", broke up.   In the end, though, it was so important for my own healing to remove that iron cloak I was wearing of his issues.   At one point he threatened to put a restraining order on me for his family (hahaha, as if that would stop them from loving me)!  I had to distance myself from his family and it was so so difficult.  They sent me cards, letters, gifts, begging me to see them, asking what they did.  I had to explain it in the only way I knew how--that it was better for me, and that they should talk to their son/brother if they had questions.  

IMHO, it's perfectly natural to be angry and wish bad things upon her newfound happiness.  It's all part of the healing.  You have every right to feel angry and you don't need to protect yourself (or her) from it.  Feel it all.  

Keep moving.  Out there you will find new parts to life that are fulfilling, honest, and loving. I wish you peace.