I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  I'm nine months in, different circumstances, but the uncertainty hasn't stopped.  I fear it will never go away, if I stay, and that is my motivation to prepare for a different life than this.  I don't know what my life will look like a year from now, but that doesn't mean I can't mentally (and financially) prepare for what it could look like.  

Is it brave or weak to stay?  I struggled with that in the beginning.  I had that "supportive wife syndrome" where I thought I needed to hold his hand and tell him everything was going to be ok.  His therapist told him early on, I was a strong woman for staying and helping him figure out his feelings.  But the longer I stayed, the weaker I felt.  There are just so many highs and lows, and I don't know if I can continue with the low points. 

And the crazy thing is, I always said, if my husband ever had an affair, I'd be out the door. I always thought my sister would be the same way. The day I told my sister that I was looking at getting divorced because my husband said he's attracted to men, she admitted her husband had an affair a few years ago. She's still there.  

I believe my husband has never physically cheated, but I also know he wanted to sleep with a woman a few years ago, and I know he's emotionally attached to a man right now.  I know he wants to experience being with a man.  And despite how betrayed I feel over this, I'm still here.

It's not so black and white when we're in the middle of it.  No matter how big of a supporter/ally you are to the LGBTQ community, you shouldn't feel that it's your responsibility to help him deal with his feelings when HE is the one who betrayed you.  It doesn't matter what "community" someone belongs to when they hurt us.  NOTHING gives them a free pass to lie, cheat and manipulate.  

It's up to you, how much you can take.  Like Susanne said, making a big decision when your emotions are all over the place may not be in your best interest.  My husband's therapist told him that neither of us should make any decisions when we're emotional, because it never ends well.  My therapist also said there was no rush to make any life-altering decisions.  We have kids though, and they are the biggest factor in me staying put as I make sure I have all my ducks in a row. 

Right now, just take care of yourself.  Accept your emotions and deal with them appropriately.  Use your time alone to think about your marriage.  Hindsight is 20/20 after all.  How was it before this disclosure?  Did you feel loved?  Safe?  Intimate?  Was something always off?  What happens if you uncover more lies?  What happens five years down the road if you stay, have children, and find out he's cheated again?  What do you want out of a marriage?  Do you think he can provide this for you? Figuring out what you need and want, will help you make the actual decisions later.  You don't have to act on the decisions yet, but knowing what direction to walk makes it easier to take the next step.  Even if it's just one small step at a time.

I could have written your post (except that my husband hasn’t actually been with a man, just lots of toys) and every response so far is so amazing!

I’m 9 months in and taking it day by day. Some days are good and I see glimmers of hope for myself and our relationship but some days I wake up and feel like the reality of everything just slaps me in the face. I’m still waiting for another shoe to drop and my daughter is going through her own journey in the LGBTQ path... she wants to talk about it and I want to support and listen to her but She doesn’t know about her dad so sometimes her questions and explorations touch on very raw spots for me.

I absolutely agree that you must take care of yourself first. Get yourself back to being confident, learn to trust again and then go forward when you are stronger (hence my name).

As I follow other straight spouses I have noticed one thing, all of them want to hold on and support their spouses. In a world where so many divorce, this is a group that fights divorce so hard. What a strong and amazing group we are and how interesting that our LGBTQ+ spouses choose such strong figures to marry.

Lepigeon, all,

"...But I can't decide if it is brave or weak to stay. I don't know if I can trust that he won't cheat again.."

That is a lot of anxiety.

I once took a yoga class when going through this.. for people with trauma called "brave"...would it make me brave?  Discussion was at the end where we could find discuss what brought us there.   For me it was the title Brave.
Basically told them I was not brave..that I was scared of my cheating  gay ex, i was scared of my unknown future. I was tired of living scared.

I only worked on staying briefly and the anxiety and mistrust were unbearable.  There was just no way God intended for me to live forever with such abuse...anxious, fearful, unconfident.

If I look back now years away from it..I can see how strong and brave I was to put up with everything my GX did. But I also see how she sapped any strength and confidence i had...nothing was ever good enough.  The word insatiable comes to mind.

That feeling does go away..but I can't say ones spouse can do that...they need to do that through actions, core morals, and character..  for me that was never going to happen..my gx showed was she was capable of. Showed me her character and morals. I could not change her anymore than I could change the the tides or the sun from rising.

Best wishes on your journey in the new year.

Last edited by Rob (December 31, 2020 7:54 am)

Wow. Thank you all so much for sharing your stories and offering your advice and support. I have been feeling so alone in this. There is so much great advice here that makes so much sense and no one else has mentioned to me. I am so grateful for the advice to wait on things. I felt like I had to make a decision now in order to get out of this cycle of garbage feelings.  

The cheating piece is so confusing for me, often I feel like I am over it. I know that if we try to make it work I have to get over it. But then I also feel like I need to be madder about it now so that I can actually understand how I feel. When I thought that it was over with us, I felt like I could let go of the cheating because I thought, "Well, he'll never do that to me again." I think there is also a part of me that just can't square the idea I have of him with what he has actually done. I feel like I am waiting for storm of rage to come. I have been angry, but mostly because he was in the closet and with me for 14 years. More than anything, that made me feel like I was used as a beard and all the things that I thought were good now feel questionable. He assures me that he I shouldn't feel that way, but its hard not to. 

I have talked with my sister and a girlfriend about what is going on in my marriage, but they are also overwhelmed with emotions about it. People always used to tell us that we had the kind of relationship that they wanted. My friend especially felt that way; she lived with my husband and I after her divorce. Both my sister and friend have also told other people about it, for their own support, but both my husband and I feel violated by that. Him more so than me. How do you all navigate telling people and dealing with the fact that they are also going to tell people?