My content in red. Welcome Jess, the NZ in your name caught my eye

Jess_NZ wrote:

This is the first time I have posted here but it’s getting tough doing this alone. It will be lonely at first but you've found us and it'll get less lonely now. I discovered that my husband has been with other men on and off for the majority of our marriage and I had no idea. I have known for a number of months now and we have had many conversations. If you hadn't discovered it your husband may never have told you. He calls himself bi and has only had other physical relationships, never emotional which for him is a big differentiating fact. Same, my partner thinks the fact it was men, and it was purely physical....should have made his leaning towards men...okay!!! We are staying together as we both want to make this work. What I’m struggling with at the moment is how do you get through holidays and celebrations with everyone who has no idea what is going on? Right now you make it through holidays & celebrations with your "I'm okay" face on. You need to gather yourself & talk to a counselor or a close friend or family member before you break down at the xmas table. I’m feeling hurt and betrayed but I’m supposed to carry on as normal, giving gifts and being happy while this is going on in the background. Yes, carry on as normal but know you have the Forum to fall back on. everything you say here is absorbed by men & women who can guess what's going on in the background, and know your confusion. Have a good xmas, remember to breathe, every time before you speak

Does anyone have any advice about getting through?

Elle
 

Jess, 
So sorry you’re having to go through this, and like Elle said, glad you found us. There are a lot of straight spouses here who have been through the same thing. I, too, found out my husband had been having sex with men our entire relationship (difference: not off & on, but all the time and not the majority of our marriage, but the whole thing). And, I know just how devastating it is, even after a number of months. I found out ‘something’ was going on 3/2018, when he accidentally showed me a photo of a nude man on a CL ad for men seeking men (before they took them down), and started searching after he denied going on the date (first lie). I searched his phone, computer, AT&T records, etc for 16 months (I told him I was going to. Had never looked on any of his stuff for the 16 yrs we’d been together until this) with him lying to me the entire time, saying “I never had sex with any of those men” (referring to emails to men from dating sites). Finally texts that occurred every 2 weeks for 1 1/2yrs to David did it. He couldn’t deny it any more & admitted to just one man. Then, when he realized I was serious about a polygraph test, on 11/24/2019, he admitted to many more men throughout our r’ship. He’s been doing it since a young teen. 
It tore me apart. I had always said if my husband ever cheated on me (even ONCE) that I was GONE, no 2nd chances, but when it happened, I realized it wasn’t the time to make such a drastic move, so I told him I would wait & see. He had stopped seeing men before May, 2019. If he was still active, I would have had him leave. I started looking up everything I could. I didn’t find this site until April. First found Surviving Infidelity, which was hard to post same gender sex stuff on. Glad I found this site. Have found some others, too, including a Mixed Orientation Marriage and.... on Facebook. I keep looking for ways couples stay together...as much as I can find. I’m willing to do just about anything except open the marriage. I’m strictly monogamous. Period. and, not for social reasons. It’s my basic core beliefs: religious *my choice*, not because my religion ‘says so’, but because I BELIEVE it’s right. It’s also what I signed up for when we got married. He would rather have an open marriage, however since I will NOT change my mind, I told him if having sex is more important than a lifetime of us together (he doesn’t want an emotional relationship with a man, either; just oral sex- no conversation, nothing else), so if we separated, he’d have 20-30 minutes of “whoopie!” And the rest of his life would be very unfulfilling. Being married, we can (re)-build a good life together. 
So, it’s “one day at a time”, and we’ll see/ waiting for the L-O-N-G, argumentative discussions to slow down & stop! we argue over everything, it seems. 
He’s been going to therapy, but hasn’t found anyone who is helpful at all. We’re going to try marriage counseling next & he’s going to find another individual therapist and I’ll find another one, too. Seems they have a hard time listening to what you need, and just talk about what they want. we’ve tried in person and online. Oh well......keep on trying , I guess.

JustinThase wrote:

I started to cry when I read your post because 6 weeks ago I was right where you are. The berevement group helped me and I did have some one on one time also with the grief counselor. For me its time. When a person has surgery they take pain medicine for the pain. For me it seems my only medicine is time. It does help when I talk or write about it as I mentioned in my post. I really connected with you and it helped me a great deal. I miss my mom and as I said I keep thinking about my dad also. It seems like with both parents gone, I am alone.

Justin,
Hi! I see your post was your first (and only). It looks like you could use some attention. If you’d like some input, or would just like to say something, perhaps tell a little of your story (or all of it, if you want). We’re here and we’ve all been through a lot, and between us, I imagine some can relate to you.
take care!

Last edited by SusanneH (January 10, 2021 4:38 pm)