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December 11, 2020 10:25 am  #1


Staying friends with your ex

Hi, I'm reaching out to see if there is anyone here that is still close friends with their spouse who came out as being gay.  I'm trying really hard to be positive and hope we can remain good friends and most importantly great co-parents, we have a 4 year old son together.  He has been my best friend for the last 11 years and I don't want to lose that friendship. 
If there is anyone on here that has a friendship still in wondering...

How you made it work?
Was it easy to remain friends?
Do you do things as a family still?

Thank you for any advice

 

December 15, 2020 7:31 pm  #2


Re: Staying friends with your ex

hi sara-
i wish ii could offer some advice, but i cant. im hoping someone can help us both. my ex came out to me 9 months ago. i moved out shortly after. we were together almost 11 years. i spent all my time, money, love on her and her girls who are now 14 and 12. i was texting the girls weekly until the end of june. i had a breakdown moment in front of her girls. she immediately blocked me. for 6 months after i moved out i continued to pay half the bills and sent her extra $500 month to help with anything else. i took my clothes. my guitar. left everything else there. i didn't want to disrupt the lives of the girls by taking things. in september i ran into the 3 of them at a football game. the girls basically ignored me. she questioned why i was there. i cut her off end of september. we haven't spoke since. this is the worst time of the year. i miss the girls terribly. i miss my best friend. 
it is what it is, right? i hope you and your husband can get through this as friends. thoughts are with you. 


it is, what it is. 
 

December 15, 2020 8:54 pm  #3


Re: Staying friends with your ex

I am friendly with my ex but I would not describe him as being a "close friend." We have two children who were grown when he came out of the closet and left and we reached the point where all four of us were able to get together for special occasions before Covid changed everything. We still do group texts regularly.

I think the reason I am able to do this is because enough time has passed that I have built a life that I am comfortable with. I have not shared about my male friend with him or the children and when he rattles on about his buddies I don't care because I am so over him. I set boundaries and enforce them because he can impose on people in general otherwise.. We both put the children first, he isn't an ass and neither of us has had a significant other who tried to inserted himself.

Unless you have moved on, have set boundaries that you are comfortable with, are not dealing with a jerk and don't have to deal with an interfering new partner I don't think it can work. Being older and more mellow probably helps too.


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

December 15, 2020 10:33 pm  #4


Re: Staying friends with your ex

It's only been two months since my wife ended our romantic relationship and started dating a woman, but I'm trying to maintain our friendship and I think (so far) she is, too. For 20 years she's been 'my person', the partner I could talk to about everything (although my tendency to withdraw into my own head and not communicate was one of our problems), and my best friend. As her new relationship deepens, we're still friendly and respectful and spend time together as a family (+1) for some meals and activities, but the distance between us is certainly growing. I foresee that continuing, and I just hope I find my own footing and start moving forward for myself before my contact with her diminishes dramatically.

We have two teenage boys and we're on the same page in that we want to have a relationship we'd want our boys to emulate when/if they have an ex. I think that approach has been helpful for us, because it's not 'stay together for the kids', but rather it redirects the focus/purpose of our relationship to modeling the behaviors and decisions we hope will help them deal with their own breakups as adults. I don't know if it'll last, and it's still a really painful process for me to let her go and stare down the uncertain second half of my life, but that's what we're trying.

 

 

December 16, 2020 9:24 am  #5


Re: Staying friends with your ex

Being able to stay friends or get back to being friends after a healing period would be good for many of us.  Especially those with kids to co-parent.  For others, the healthiest path forward is to have no contact.  It just depends on the person. 

There are varied degrees of injury sustained when a partner or spouse comes out.  Sometimes it's done with honesty, respect, communication and kindness.  In these situations it could be possible to remain friends throughout.   In other cases (most), there is a great deal of lying, manipulation, narcissism, cheating and anger.  In these situations, while remaining friends would be better for the kids.. the unhealthy side effects to the str8 spouse wouldn't be fair or right to that person. 

Personally..  I hated my ex for a couple years after.  I've gotten to a point where I'm civil with her.  We co-parent very well.  I no longer dread seeing her.. I can endure a parent-teacher conference type event without much issue.   But I wouldn't call her my friend.  I have no interest in anything other than parenting. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

December 16, 2020 11:02 am  #6


Re: Staying friends with your ex

Best friends don't take 20 years of marriage and flush it -- itsabouther

THIS is how I feel!  My husband came out 9 months ago, after 14+ years of marriage.  We are still "together" but we're wrapping our heads around how to move forward separately.  Early on, he kept expressing how he didn't want to lose our friendship, how he wanted to do things together, like holidays and family vacations.  No.  Don't tell me you can't be 100% committed to me without exploring this other side of yourself, that essentially our entire friendship and marriage were steeped in lies, and then expect to keep all the benefits you had as a (fake) heterosexual husband and father.  It doesn't work that way.  He's tried so hard to have his cake and eat it too, but I'm over it.

I do think, because of our calmer personalities and that fact that we had a "good" marriage overall, we will be able to remain amicable and we will co-parent fine. However, I am not interested in being friends anymore.  Not with someone who broke my heart and destroyed our family.

You have to do what is right for YOU.  You will figure it out in time.

 

December 16, 2020 12:11 pm  #7


Re: Staying friends with your ex

"...he kept expressing how he didn't want to lose our friendship, how he wanted to do things together, like holidays and family vacations.  No.  Don't tell me you can't be 100% committed to me without exploring this other side of yourself, that essentially our entire friendship and marriage were steeped in lies, and then expect to keep all the benefits you had as a (fake) heterosexual husband and father.  It doesn't work that way.  He's tried so hard to have his cake and eat it too, but I'm over it."  ThisTooShallPass

This is very close to how I feel.  My ex opted to stay in the closet and to tell me, in the midst of the divorce, that he "hoped" that "after we get through the hard part we can be friends."  Nope.  I'm not interested in protecting his closet and remaining his beard by pretending we simply "grew apart" and made a mutual and amicable decision to go our own ways.  And I would never be friends with someone who put me through what he did, who acted the way he did, and who said the things he said to me.  


I agree with Phoenix: how we relate to our exes after the end of our marriages very much depends on how they treated us, and should reflect what WE need.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 16, 2020 12:16 pm)

 

December 16, 2020 4:09 pm  #8


Re: Staying friends with your ex

I think even thinking about being friends should wait until the separation agreements are completed.  I think listening to what your attorney says is far more important.  

 

 

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