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October 4, 2016 10:52 pm  #1


Very Confused

Hi-
My husband and I just divorced after a 26 year marriage.  Our marriage had some difficulty in the last three years as my husband seemed to grow more distant and he complained that I seemed too wrapped up in our children.  That three year point also coincided with my exhusband changing to a different job where he was exposed to a much wider group of people.We went into marriage counseling for a year but it didn't seem to go anywhere and the counselor suggested that there was an elephant in the room we weren't addressing. I asked my exhusband to try a different marriage counselor but he refused to go. In any case during the last year of our marriage my husband went back and forth tring to decide if he wanted to stay. This was a very difficult time for me all this back and forth. At one point the month before he made his decision to leave the marriage, we had sex and he said he really wanted to make the marriage work. We had not had intercourse in about a year and he seemed to have difficulty. While our sex life had definitely wained in the last 5 years I can't say it seemed any different than what a heterosexual couple would have. He simply could give me no other reason than our communication wasn't good and he didn't feel heard. He also referred to the fact that he felt tension between us. He eventually told me that he wanted to live a more authentic life and that he couldn't be himself with me around. He also said that he didn't know himself well enough when we married. We come from a Catholic background and later he also said that our marital bond had been broken. In retrospect I wished I would have questioned him further about this but I just didn't understand what he was saying. There was also a fair bit of gas lighting that was going on. One of our children had some issues with depression and anxiety and I had taken her to counseling and he told me that the counselor had told him several years ago that I was the problem. I called the counselor and she said that she did not have that conversation with my ex. Another piece of information is that he has always seemed especially wrapped up in our kids to the point where his focus was completely on going out and doing things with them but really never willing to do anything with me. This is especially true in the last several years of our marriage. I have never seen any gay porn whatsoever in our house but he kept close tabs on his laptop and phone. I never had his passwords or access to those items.

He eventually filed for a separation in the summer of 2015 but then did not find his own place and move out until 6 months later. I have tried to be understanding since we still have one child at home. That is stand up for myself but not create any more turmoil around our other child. A couple months ago my mother mentioned that my father thinks that there wasn't another woman involved but that it was another man. Then recently, a woman I know from my older child's school mentioned that her daughter had heard that my exhusband was gay. I have no way of finding out any additional information since the daughter is now back at college.

I am perplexed about what to do next. Should I approach my former husband and ask him if he is gay or bisexual? My exhusband is in a profession and there are no openly gay people practicing in his field in our city.  It is just very difficult to not have information about why our marriage broke up. I end up blaming myself and thinking what could I have done differently. It is also difficult to work things through regarding our children when I feel he is hiding something. Do you think I am crazy for even seriously considering the fact that he might be gay or bisexual? At our divorce hearing he testified that he did not have any plans for a future relationship. I just would like to find out the truth. Does anybody have any suggestions?

Last edited by Courage3 (October 6, 2016 1:50 pm)

 

October 5, 2016 1:32 am  #2


Re: Very Confused

The need to know the truth is strong but what if he denies it? What's important to remember is that he walked away. Your first counselor seemed to sense something but obviously would not be able to identify it. He refused a second counselor and one must wonder why? Was he worried about a second opinion confirming the "elephant" or figuring out what it was? He lied about your child's counselor but why? Close tabs on the devices are usually a red flag. Married couples shouldn't have anything to hide. The statement you made about spending time with the kids but not with you is something I experienced before my ex- figured herself out. What is particularly troubling is the statement about being authentic and a broken marital bond. This seems to scream that there are things you don't know and he doesn't want to tell you about them. If he didn't tell you then I don't know why he would tell you now, maybe the Catholic influence you mentioned? If he is in the closet, at least he made it a "single" instead of a "double". I wish I could say more. Maybe some of the other members here have wisdom to share.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

October 5, 2016 9:19 am  #3


Re: Very Confused

Hi Courage3, 

Welcome to the group.  Sorry you are going through such a hard situation.  We know what it's like. 

My advice is the same as Daryl gave.  I wouldn't waste your time anymore trying to get proof.  I certainly wouldn't ask him about it.  That would be fruitless. 

Homosexuality is the deepest, darkest secret held by anyone who is gay and hasn't come out of the closet.  They will have a fail-proof answer already developed and rehearsed to explain away every single possible hint that they are gay.  Until they are ready to come out of the closet themselves, there is no way they will admit to you that they are gay.  This is even more true when they feel their career could be threatened by the secret coming out. 

Please don't blame yourself for your marriage not working out.  Based on your story and it's similarities with so many other stories of members of this forum, I would say that it is highly likely that he is a closet homosexual, but you don't need proof of this to know that you had solid grounds for divorce.  

-failed marriage counselling
-a year of no intimacy and his inability to perform
-lack of communication and cryptic language about authenticity
-lying
-secrecy  (laptop/phones)
-he filed for separation
-rumors of gay from outside sources

These are reason enough to know that your marriage wasn't healthy and that you had more than sufficient grounds for divorce.  

Please find peace in your situation.  You know that you loved him and you tried your best to maintain the marriage.  That marriage has ended and you have enough reasons to know that it wasn't a healthy relationship or a solid marriage.  The truth about him being gay will most likely come out in the years to come, but don't stress yourself out trying to pry this out of him.  He will not admit to the most closely guarded secret in his world until he is ready to let everyone in the world know about it. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

October 5, 2016 1:40 pm  #4


Re: Very Confused

Courage3 wrote:

 A couple months ago my mother mentioned that my father thinks that there wasn't another woman involved but that it was another man. Then recently, a woman I know from my older child's school mentioned that her daughter had heard that my exhusband was gay....I am perplexed about what to do next.

Welcome Courage3,

I completely understand your desire to know why your marriage ended.  I divorced my X for all the many red flags we post here but I never really knew why.  He had no desire to discuss the matter and attempt closure. I was left with the never answered "Why?"  Until three years later when I learned he was gay.  Emotionally it was like getting divorced twice. Learning he was GID answered the question and lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.  However, despite the proof that I have, he denies it all. While the truth can set us free it is also not necessary for recovery.  Many here will never ever get the truth from the horses-mouth and at some point it becomes futile to chase after it.

If your own father and an acquaintance are telling you they believe he is gay, I would tend to believe them, unless you believe them to be unreliable or malicious gossip mongers.  Most of the time people are very hesitant to get involved. Also, most people do not make the leap - "He is Gay" to explain the reasons for someones divorce.  Even if the person is stereo typically gay most people will assume and see that they are straight if they are married to another straight.

I would suggest that you could read the stories here and see if you spot any behavior that is similar to your XH.  There seems to be common behavior that GID men follow, although certainly no absolute.  If you identify with the stories and red flags here, combined with others telling you he is gay, then you probably have your answer.  


"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."
 

October 5, 2016 1:54 pm  #5


Re: Very Confused

"Needing to live an authentic life" is code for only a few things - the biggest of which is usually gay.  Some others would include being trans or a cross-dresser, or having multiple sex partners.  None of these can be done within a committed marriage without the st8 partner at least having knowledge and buy-in for it to work.  So even if you knew what the real issue is (p.s. - it's that he's gay), you wouldn't be able to make it work unless you laid down your own wants and needs in favor of his own.  So it's a moot point, really.  He doesn't feel that his "authentic self" is compatible with either you or marriage.  And he's right.

If you're hearing around town that your ex is gay, then you can trust that's what the problem was.  You had signs that something was wrong, and now you're hearing on the street what that issue really is.  No use asking him - just consider yourself knowing the truth now.  It might not be from his lips to your ear, but that doesn't make it not the truth.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (October 5, 2016 3:37 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

October 5, 2016 3:27 pm  #6


Re: Very Confused

Courgage3,

.."he simply could give me no other reason than our communication wasn't good and he didn't feel heard. He also referred to the fact that he felt tension between us. He eventually told me that he wanted to live a more authentic life and that he couldn't be himself with me around. He also said that he didn't know himself well enough when we married."

Sorry but I got a lot of lame excuses also about why she wanted a divorce.     They were very poor excuses like that...almost as poor as  you don't like the same TV shows I do..so I want a divorce.
All of the excuses were about me...I was the cause, I did this..

And the punch line. (not said or written)  she knew I knew she was cheating with her girlfriend...and still she gave me those excuses....  like it was my fault she cheated and with a woman at that..   really sick and messed up logic  but that is what she did...didn't have the decency to admit what she was doing...I was the cause of everything....that I must know what I did wrong..  But I could not have treated her better..it was not humanly possible to treat her any better. 

So don't don't believe anything he told you...you are not crazy.   And no you could not have done anything differently..  Our spouses chose the gayness and to end the marriage ...it is all them.    No need to beat yourself up and look for proof now.  No need to second guess what you could have done differently.   When one person does not want the marriage the other cannot do much to hold it together..
 
 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

October 6, 2016 5:19 am  #7


Re: Very Confused

Courage3,

Mine never confirmed he was Gay. He had a prepaid cell he used beyond his iPhone I paid for and I found it full of stuff. He guarded it like his life depended on it. I observed a massive amount of other signs and then when it all hit the fan and his male lover called and let it all rip and told me, I asked my Ex point blank and all he could do is sit in silence and look at the floor. He never confirmed it. He didn't have the character or integrity even when caught. He didn't have to say it, I knew. It was all there in front of me and I simply couldn't deny the obvious. Do I think you need to hear it from him? No. Just be well versed in the signs and evidence around you. I was married 46 years to him. We've been apart for 7 months now and my emotions are a roller coaster ride. Last week was awful. This week is better. Usually the worst weeks result in some clarity and a path forward that is remarkably more positive.  I figure as long as I am moving forward to make a life without him that's better, then I am doing okay. I wish you the courage to do the same. Stay with us. We have so many similarities in our experiences and our emotions. We can and will help you. 

Last edited by Judy (October 6, 2016 5:21 am)

 

October 6, 2016 1:33 pm  #8


Re: Very Confused

Judy wrote:

 Usually the worst weeks result in some clarity and a path forward that is remarkably more positive.

I love this quote!  It is such a truth bomb, although bad weeks still are hard and hurt.  But Judy this is such a positive way of looking at it and so true.  You should make this your quote line.


"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."
 

October 6, 2016 1:54 pm  #9


Re: Very Confused

To everyone that has responded in the last 48 hours to my initial post, thank you! Your words have helped me to begin to let go of some of my anguish. You are right I do not need to have him admit to my suspicions for me to begin to recover. Your insights, coming from people that have been there and been betrayed, are my first steps towards healing.
Courage3

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