Rene,
I’m sorry you’re going through this. When you pushed him to explore his feelings, what did you think that meant? He did what you wanted , and then you found you couldn’t take it. However, IMHO, as much as it hurt, since YOU “pushed “ him to do it, it’s not fair to him to get angry because he did. I can certainly understand getting upset when it actually happened. I know it’s not something I could or would be able to tolerate, but I also wouldn’t have suggested he explore his feelings (BTW, he already has for YEARS, so “exploring “ doesn’t “get it out of their system “, so to speak. In fact, if he is indeed gay or bisexual, he’s going to realize how much he really DOES want to to it. If you got that upset over messaging, the real thing will be much harder to take. 
of course, it’s completely up to BOTH of you if you want to open your marriage, but there’s a lot to consider. For some, it works out great as long as BOTH want it, boundaries are made and kept, complete and open communication is a must, and much more. I’ve seen some wives who opened their marriages so their bi/gay husbands could feel fulfilled and their urges met. I’m too monogamous for that. It’s part of my core/religious/moral/ and more beliefs, and it’s the agreement I entered into when we got married. If I were to agree to it to either make him “feel good” or to bend to the pressures of society, then my religious beliefs wouldn’t mean much. 
So, I wish you all the best with whatever you both decide to do. 

((((HUGS))))
 

Dear Rene,

   I'm so sorry the first response to your post was a slap down that blamed you for the pain you're feeling.

   It's a positive, praiseworthy thing that you wanted your partner to be happy.   Many of us here have from that same desire agreed to or considered arrangements or actions we later realized violated our own values or needs.   Perhaps in urging your partner to explore, and then agreeing when he wanted to do so, you hoped that in "exploring" your fiance would return to you knowing he wanted to be exclusive with you.  What you have discovered is that you want to be exclusive in a relationship.  You may wish you could be otherwise, for his sake, but you clearly are not comfortable with an open relationship. 


  
  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 13, 2020 2:18 pm)

Rene,
My apologies for the way I worded my response. It was based on my first gut reaction to your post and I didn’t even proof read it, or I probably wouldn’t have even posted it, as I don’t intend to hurt anyone’s feelings. 

I do hope it all works out for you, whichever way it goes.

Susanne

I spoke with a friend.  Then I made an appt with my doctor for a general check up and I told him too.  Amazing how helpful that was - just telling people made me feel more grounded.

Look, you might not be ready yet to hear this, and sorry if this is the case but you are asking and to me your posts are flying red flags, this jumped out at me - "when I was being supportive we were getting along better than ever."  Uh oh, that sounds a bit one sided, like you're dancing round him.  Then you go on to say  "I guess that's why I was hiding my anxieties."  and now it's sounding like limbo dancing, you are holding back your anxieties to keep him happy instead of being able to lean on him.  and then "And I was realising how clingy I was being"  so now it's your fault?  Those are natural responses to have, you are straight and monogamous by nature aren't you.

And all he can say is he wishes he'd never told you.  that it is like saying it is your response that is the problem while deflecting attention away from what you are responding to - his desire to sleep with a man.  Where can you go with that?   He is cutting the ground from beneath your feet - your response is reasonable.

so you know, I just think you need to find a friend to talk to more than you need to talk to him.

wishing you all the best, Lily



 

okay so let me guess - you're generous, kind and friendly and it wasn't you who wanted to do the swinging in your previous marriage - you went along with what your partner wanted?  

my experience is that when something is triggering me it is for a good reason, it's the current situation that is reminding me of the past one - it is the current situation that is bothering me.

thanks for the thanks, much appreciated.  I am glad to hear you have a sister you can talk about it all with, that is the best to have family support.